


Angel Rescue

by squirrel_loves_wings



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Angel Castiel, Angels are slaves, Angry Castiel, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Castiel is Damaged, Castiel-centric, Dean-Centric, Human Dean Winchester, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Protective Dean Winchester, Slavery, dean is a good person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-05-25 13:17:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 67,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6196489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squirrel_loves_wings/pseuds/squirrel_loves_wings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"This came down to the fundamentally different ways they saw the situation. Bobby didn't think angels should be mistreated, but he didn't see them as equals and didn't particularly have a problem with angels being kept as slaves. Dean wanted angels to be free and equal to humans, period."</p><p>In which Dean works in angel rescue and Castiel is newly rescued angel with a painful past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is a thing I've been working on for a while now. I have a deep amount of affection for it! It's all plotted and about half written. Tuesday updates.
> 
> Because I'm a dork, I did way too much research on bird wings. There are some illustrations at the end of this chapter for those interested. :) I'm not an ornithologist, but let's be real - a creature with wings *and* arms can't exist. I also kind of gloss over the whole how does one wear a shirt when one has wings thing. I'm not trying to explain everything, I'm trying to tell a story about two people.

Dean had been a part of rescuing angels practically his whole life, but he'd never once been taken by surprise like he was by this new rescue. The angel was out, fully tranquilized, on the bottom of his cage which, while not completely unusual, was still somewhat rare. They liked to cause as little trauma to the already traumatized angels they rescued, but if one was fighting too hard, they had to knock them out so they didn't hurt themselves or the rescuers. Bobby unlocked the truck and Sam and Jo climbed in and carefully maneuvered the angel to the edge of the opening. Dean was standing there, ready to take the angel's weight when suddenly he came to life.

He grabbed Sam's head in his hands and slammed it back against the inside of the truck and then threw himself backwards, crushing Jo between his body and the wall of the truck. They had both crumpled to the ground before Dean even really registered what had happened and then the angel was on him. He struggled, but the angel had the element of surprise and the strength of his race on his side, and before Dean could even shout for help he was on his back, the snarling angel on top of him. Dean could hear Bobby shouting, but it was all he could do to hold the angel at bay, trying to grab his wrists, get them flipped. He thought he had it, he had both of the angel's wrists in his hands, but the angel somehow twisted out of his grip and suddenly had Dean's arms pinned to the ground. The angel spread his wings and Dean had only a second to register how destroyed they were before the tips were driving down toward him. He screamed as the exposed bones drove through the meat of his shoulders and then his scream was cut off as the angel's hands wrapped around his throat. Dean flailed helplessly as the angel crushed his throat, his face a mask of rage as he looked down into Dean's. 

Finally, Rufus appeared with a tranq gun and unloaded a dart into the enraged angel. There was a terrifying moment when the angel squeezed even harder and Dean was sure he was a goner, but then his grip eased and he collapsed on top of Dean. Bobby and Rufus rushed forward to pull him off Dean. As soon as they did, Dean turned onto his side, drawing in a huge breath and coughing, the pain in his shoulders not even registering in his need for air.

All told, it took less than a minute.

"Jesus, he got you good," Bobby said as he knelt next to Dean.

At their mention, the wounds in Dean's shoulders flared in pain, but he ignored it as he sat up and looked toward the truck. "Sammy? Jo?"

"Wobbly, but coming around. You're the one I'm worried about right now; you're bleeding like a stuck pig."

Dean looked down and saw two large patches of blood stretching all the way down to his waist. "Jesus fuck it hurts," he gasped as Bobby helped him to his feet. 

"You need to get to the doctor, son." Bobby supported Dean as they made their way to the med ward in the main building. Chuck, the doctor on staff, cleaned out the wounds and patched Dean up before giving him a shot of antibiotic.

"Take these for two weeks," he said, ripping off a prescription for an oral antibiotic.

"Really?" Dean groused and Chuck nodded.

"From the smell of you, that angel was covered in his own filth and has been for a while. Trust me, you want the antibiotics."

"Well, when you put it that way," Dean said, shoving the prescription into his pocket.

Chuck smiled. "Now I'm probably going to go diagnose your brother and Jo with another concussion."

"Good thing they've got hard heads." Dean hopped off the table, wincing a little. "Tell Sam to text me when you're done poking him."

Dean wandered back out to the yard and found Bobby washing out the truck.

"Where'd he come from?" Dean asked as he got closer.

"Shouldn't you be resting?" Bobby shot, looking over his shoulder.

Dean shrugged. "Got some pain killers, antibiotics. Apparently I smell."

"I warned you about them hygeine habits of yours."

"You're hilarious, Bobby. So where'd he come from? Chuck said he must have been covered in his own filth. And I saw his wings before he stabbed me with them."

Bobby sighed and jumped out of the back of the truck and sat on the bumper. "It was bad, Dean. Owner used him for underground fights. He… I ain't ever seen an angel in such bad shape. He's fed well to keep him strong, but the damage he's taken…" Bobby shook his head. "Bastard who owned him'll be facing charges."

"You get his paperwork? What's his name?" Dean asked and Bobby quirked an eyebrow at him.

"Yeah, we got it. Name's Castiel."

"He didn't…" Dean looked back at the house. The angel would likely be in the basement right now, still unconscious, being cleaned by Pamela and then looked over by Chuck before being assigned a room. "He didn't seem," he looked back to Bobby and waggled a finger by his temple. "All there."

"Wouldn't be surprised if he ain't. According to his owner, he's had that angel fighting for the better part of ten years."

"Jesus," Dean muttered, and Bobby continued.

"Might turn out we can't save him."

Dean didn't answer. He knew that sometimes - rarely, but sometimes - an angel came in so psychologically damaged that they could never be reintegrated. They were violent, feral, and the only method of dealing with them was to put them down. Dean hated it, but it was the law. They had six months to rehabilitate any rescued angel, but after that…

Dean blew out a breath. "Fucking ridiculous. It's fucking ridiculous, Bobby. They're not animals."

"Preachin' to the choir, kid. But we do what we can and we gotta let that be enough."

"It's not enough," Dean growled, angry at the whole system that kept angels as slaves.

"You can't let it get to you, Dean," Bobby said, climbing back into the truck and Dean kept his mouth shut. He wasn't going to have this fight with Bobby again. Neither of them thought it was right how angels were treated, but their opinions about what they could do about it differed greatly.

"If you don't need me, I'm gonna find Sam and head home."

"Nope, I'm good. You go home and have a drink, get some rest," Bobby said, resuming his scrubbing.

"Night, Bobby." Dean found his brother as Sam was heading back to the truck. "How's the noggin?"

"Lumpy. That angel's strong," Sam said. "Jo's got a cracked rib."

Dean winced in sympathy. "Bobby said he was on the underground fight circuit."

"Explains the rough shape he was in." Sam swallowed. "Did you see his wings?"

"For a second, right before he stabbed me with them."

Sam's eyes went wide. "He stabbed you? How's that even possible?"

"He's missing that many primaries and primary coverts, and the bone's exposed," Dean said, feeling his stomach roll. "Got me with the phalanx."

"That must have hurt like a motherfucker," Sam said.

Dean nodded. "Wasn't fun."

"No, I meant for him," Sam said and Dean shot him a look.

"Thanks for the sympathy, Sammy." But Sam was right, it must have been incredibly painful for the angel to stab him with the end bones of his wings, but he'd obviously been out of his mind with rage. "Come on, let's go home."

:::::::

Bright and early the next morning, Dean and Sam showed back up at work at the shelter. Sam went off to the offices and Dean headed into the shelter proper. He checked the roster to find out where they'd put the new angel - Castiel - and then headed there to check on him. He hadn't been able to get the angel out of his mind last night, about how horrifically damaged his wings were and how filthy he was. About what he must have had to do in the ring to stay alive this long.

When he got to Castiel's room, he looked through the window and stiffened. Castiel was standing, facing the door, head down. He was fastened to the far wall by a length of chain attached to a restraint around his neck, his wrists were loosely bound to a belt around his waist, and his wings were bound. Dean knew the idea was to let the angel have some freedom of movement and use enough of their hands so they could feed themselves and take care of basic hygiene needs while also keeping the staff safe, but Dean hated to see it.

He must have made some sound because Castiel suddenly looked up. Dean could see the muscles in his shoulders bunching, like he was trying to flare his wings in a dominance display, but the bindings kept them folded. Castiel's upper lip pulled back from his teeth and Dean moved away from the window, not wanting to agitate the angel any more than he already had and mumbled, "Shit."

He stalked out of the shelter and across the yard to the main offices. He burst into Ellen's office.

"Why is he in a neck restraint?"

"Dean Winchester you do not barge into my office demanding answers about anything," she said, not quite shouting.

"Ellen, come on," he continued, unperturbed. "You gotta know he was a fighter. Hasn't he been dehumanized enough?"

"He's not human," Ellen started and Dean shook his head.

"Aw, don't give me that bullshit. You know what I mean."

"He has to be restrained, Dean, or else we can't even begin to help him. He needs medication, but he even tries to attack them the way he is now!"

"He attacked someone?"

"Yeah, you, for starters, dumbass! But since he woke last night he's attacked two people. Thankfully no one other than you was seriously hurt, but that's because _he's restrained_."

"Jesus," Dean breathed and Ellen's expression softened.

"I'm thinking of having him put down now. I don't think we're going to be able to save him."

"No!" Dean shouted and Ellen looked surprised.

"Sam and Joanna are hurt because of him. He put two holes in you. We've never had an angel this far gone, Dean, and we've had to euthanize ones who were less violent."

"If you're gonna kill him, Ellen, just say it like it is. It's murder. He's a living, intelligent, empathetic being. We're not euthanizing him, we're murdering him. State sanctioned murder." He noticed how Ellen twitched slightly every time he said 'murder' and he got a little vicious amount of pleasure out of it. "Let me work with him. Just me. Maybe, you know, maybe just having to get used to one person will help him calm down, even out."

"Why are you so intent on helping this angel?" Ellen asked, confused.

"Because!" Dean shouted and then forced himself to calm down. "Because all he's done was be born an angel. What's in that room right now? That's what  _ we _ did to him.  _ We _ let him be tortured 'til he's been boiled down to nothing but rage and hurt. And if there's any chance, any chance at all, that I can help give him a shot at something better… I gotta try and do it."

Ellen stared at him for a moment. "You always surprise me at the strangest times, kiddo. You got it. Rehab him if you can. Just try not to get killed in the process."

"Thanks, Ellen," he said and dashed away before she could change her mind. He went to the kitchen so he could help prepare the morning meals, and when Kevin and Gadreel came to collect them, he made sure to tell them that he would be delivering all of Castiel's meals himself and that no one was to enter the room unless it was for emergency medical care. He then made a special tray for Castiel - paper plate and cup instead of ceramic and glass, plastic utensils instead of metal - and headed to his room. He took a deep breath to calm himself before he went inside.

He opened the door slowly, looking at the angel.

"Morning, Castiel," he said softly. The angel had moved, was crouched against the wall, but as soon as the door opened, he stood. Dean could see the tension and readiness in his muscles, and now that he had a chance to look more closely, he could see the scars littering the angel's arms and chest. Some were raised and twisted and the wounds that created them must have been awful, but Dean made himself look away. He kept moving slowly and deliberately, keeping his voice soft and even. "I brought you some breakfast. I'm going to be taking care of you while you heal up." He stepped forward, into Castiel's range if the angel decided to lunge, and set down the plate and cup of juice on the floor. He stood and backed out of range again.

"You might remember me as the guy you aerated," he gestured briefly toward his shoulders, "but you can call me Dean."

Castiel's eyes were darting between the food and Dean, but he made no move toward it, even though he probably hadn't eaten since Bobby had rescued him yesterday morning.

"You can go ahead and eat if you want. I'll be back later to check on you, alright?" As soon as Dean started to move, the angel's eyes locked on him and didn't leave him until he moved out of his sight. Dean didn't hang around to wait and see if Castiel ate or not. He wanted the angel to feel like he had some privacy, respect. He went back down to the kitchen to help Benny clean up from breakfast and to start on lunch and dinner.

"So why are you the only one taking the new rescue his meals?" Benny asked after a little bit.

Dean shrugged. "He's really traumatized. Like, bad."

"And you're gonna hand feed the baby bird?"

"Baby bird that put two holes in me yesterday," Dean said, tugging the collar of his shirt down so Benny could see one of the bandages.

Benny whistled. "How'd he manage that?"

"Wings're totally fucked up. The phalanx is exposed and he just…" Dean made slicing sound effect and jabbed Benny in the shoulders with his fingers.

"Christ almighty." Benny shook his head. "Be careful with him, Dean."

Dean knew his friend was worried about his safety, but Dean was thinking about Castiel's recovery when he said, "I will be."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is somewhat similar to what I envision Castiel's wings to look like when he arrives and Harvelle's - [Bird with damaged wings](http://www.gannett-cdn.com/-mm-/2fbdc9b5d2a0546638a1ffc8d3d8f835dda79c00/c=256-0-3200-2208&r=x383&c=540x380/local/-/media/USATODAY/test/2013/11/10/1384134594002-111013bird-feathers.jpg).
> 
> This is what a healthy wing should look like - [Gorgeous pic of a a bird of prey with wings spread](http://deanwebleyphotography.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/White-Bird-Of-Prey-With-Spread-Wings-The-International-Center-For-Birds-Of-Prey-Newent.jpg).
> 
> And this illustration helps you visualize exactly how Cas was able to stab Dean through the shoulders. He used that pointy bit all the way at the end - [Bird Wing Illustration](http://people.eku.edu/ritchisong/birdwing.gif).
> 
> Please let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a little bit of a difficult confession in this chapter. You know Cas was used to fight, but now you'll find out what he's done. There's no graphic detail. There's no detail at all, really, just the admission. If you're worried that it'll bother you, I've put exactly what he says in the end notes.

Lunch drop off to Castiel was brief, like breakfast had been. Dean just wanted the angel to get used him, have a chance to realize that Dean wasn't a threat. The angel remained still for the delivery, his whole body tense, eyes on Dean the whole time. Dean talked a little bit, saying hello, telling Castiel what he had for lunch, and then telling him he'd be back later with dinner. There was no indication that the angel understood him, so Dean just gathered the plate and plasticware from that morning and left. He was glad to see that Castiel had actually eaten breakfast and wasn't on a hunger strike or something.

Dean spent the rest of the day with Bobby and Pamela, helping some angels with their rehabilitation therapy. There was one girl Dean had taken a particular interest in and today he sat with her for a long time. She was young, looked about ten years old, and had been rescued along with seven other angels from a resort where they'd been used as servers and… entertainment. They'd all been beaten as part of their training, learning to keep their wings folded docilely, to never open them in a display of intimidation or pride or pleasure. And they'd all been pinioned. This angel had learned her lesson well and while she was sweet and inquisitive, she was still terrified to spread her truncated wings. Dean coaxed her gently, like he had since she'd gotten there. They were playing a game she was particularly good at and she was currently kicking Dean's ass. Dean made sure she knew how badly she was kicking his ass and when she won and he gave her an enthusiastic high five, her wings arched and fluffed happily. It wasn't anywhere near a full extension, but it was a start and he smiled as he set up a new game.

That night he delivered Castiel's dinner, describing briefly what it was before leaving the obviously anxious angel alone.

The next several weeks went much the same. Dean did his job and the extra job of looking after Castiel. Dean never tried to approach him, never did more than speak to him briefly, and he was feeling a little disheartened. He'd dealt with some hard cases before, angels who had come from terrible backgrounds, but they'd always responded to him. Mostly they'd hungered for the simple companionship he offered. He'd never had an angel utterly freeze him out like Castiel had.

More recently, Dean had finally tried to get into the angel's space a couple of times in the most unthreatening manner he could think of, but each time Castiel had attacked as violently as he could. Dean spoke to him, but Castiel acted as though he couldn't understand. Dean was starting to entertain the idea that the angel's owner might have kept him so confined that he didn't understand English.

Ellen was starting to cast pitying looks his way, too, and honestly Dean was starting to feel a little frantic. He'd spent an entire month trying to get the angel to trust him and it had gotten him exactly nowhere. He only had five months left.  Dean stared down at the angel's tray for a long time before coming to a decision. He slipped out of the kitchen to run to the Impala and grab his book, and then went back to the kitchen to grab Castiel's modified tray. With the book burning a hole in his back pocket, he finally crept into the angel's room

Castiel was crouched with his back against the wall again, and when Dean entered he slowly rose to standing in a smooth, controlled motion, his hands gathered into fists, eyes locked on Dean.

"Hey Castiel," Dean said, setting the plate down. "Real crowd pleaser for dinner tonight. There's always clamoring for seconds, so you just ask if you want more, alright?" He stood back up and backed away. "So, I thought you might like some company with dinner?" He pulled his book out of his back pocket and showed it to Castiel. "Thought maybe I'd read to you?" Castiel didn't react to anything Dean said, so Dean just sat down in the chair and opened his book to the beginning.

He had started this book just the other day and was already more than halfway through, but he started over for Castiel. It was a silly book, a kid's book - _From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler_ \- but Dean loved it anyhow, remembering how his dad had read it to him. And so now he read it to Castiel, and Castiel listened, at least for a while. After a half hour, he was shifting his weight, agitated. Dean ignored him at first, kept reading, but then the angel made a distressed noise and Dean looked up. Castiel was pacing, his movements fast and sharp, his shoulders flexing, like he wanted to spread his wings. And he was making small noises in the back of his throat, something between a whimper and a growl.

"Hey, Cas," Dean said, putting the book down. "It's okay. It's okay." He stood and Castiel turned toward him abruptly, baring his teeth. "I'm sorry, Castiel. I pushed too much. I'm gonna go…"

As he started to move toward the door, Castiel flinched and then screamed. In one smooth motion, he reached down to pick up his plate of food and hurled it at Dean. Dean dodged it easily but then watched wide eyed as Castiel rushed him at full speed only to be yanked off his feet as he reached the end of the neck restraint.

"Cas!" Dean shouted as the angel's feet went out from under him and he hit the floor. Dean had taken a couple of steps forward when Castiel sprung back to his feet and lunged at Dean again, arms out, fingers hooked into claws. Dean only barely jerked himself out of reach and held up his hands.

"Castiel, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm going now, okay? You're safe here, Cas. You're safe. I promise, you're safe." Dean said the last just as he slipped through the door. He forced himself to move down the hallway, knowing that the heightened senses of the angel would tell him if Dean were still anywhere close. And the last thing Dean wanted to do was agitate the angel further.

He shoved through the doors at the end of the hall and cursed himself. He knew Castiel was still terrified and fragile; he shouldn't have pushed. And now who knew if Castiel would ever trust him. And then, on the heels of that, Dean realized that Castiel had tossed his dinner across the room and was going to go hungry tonight.

 _Fuck_ , Dean thought. Castiel hadn't been malnourished when he came in, one of the few forms of abuse he hadn't had to endure. The thought that Castiel should go hungry in a place where he was supposed to feel safe, though, chafed at Dean until he finally stopped his aimless wandering and headed back to the kitchen. There were some leftovers from dinner in the fridge. He knew that the kitchen staff was probably planning on it for breakfast, but Dean vowed to bring in bagels as he took the tray out and fixed Castiel a new plate of food. He got a new plastic fork and knife and then went up to Castiel's room. It had been a little over an hour since he'd left, so he hoped the angel was calm now. He took a moment to take a deep breath before he slowly opened the door.

Castiel was sitting in the corner of the room, his face turned toward the wall. When he heard Dean, his shoulders twitched forward and Dean had the idea that he wanted to cover himself with his wings, which he knew was a sign of shame. He felt his heart go out to this angel who had endured so much pain.

"Hi again, Castiel," he said softly. "Just a quick visit. I didn't want you to go hungry since I spoiled your dinner." Castiel seemed to curl even further into himself and Dean realized he preferred the cold, staring angel to this wounded creature. "So, so, here you go. Don't worry about earlier. No one's mad at you, alright? It wasn't your fault and you're not in trouble. So eat your dinner. And I'll… I'll see you for breakfast, okay?"

Castiel didn't turn away from the wall, so Dean started to withdraw to the door. He'd just put his hand on the doorknob when he heard a surprisingly deep voice say, "Thank you."

Dean's breath froze in his chest as he looked back at the angel still crouched in the corner.

"You're welcome," he said. "Night, Cas."

:::::::

When Dean stopped by Castiel's room the next morning he noticed that the second dinner he'd dropped off the night before had been left untouched and that Castiel was still crouched in the corner. Dean started picking up pieces of the scattered first dinner as he talked to the angel.

"Doesn't seem like you've moved. Hope you didn't spend the night down there. You're going to get stiff. And besides you've got a perfectly nice bed over there." Dean hesitated. "I'll be back around with your breakfast in an hour or so. Probably a little more. I work in the kitchen, you know. So, if this is a commentary on my cooking, sorry, man, you're stuck with me."

Castiel didn't say anything as Dean prattled on, just kept himself pressed into the corner. When he suddenly moved from his perch, Dean refused to flinch, to even move. He was going to prove to this angel that he trusted him. Castiel moved close to him and then crouched down. Dean wasn't sure what he was doing until Castiel started picking up bits of the dinner he'd scattered last night. He made a little pile and then shoved it toward Dean. He caught Dean's eye before looking away quickly and retreating back to his corner.

"Thanks, Cas," Dean said, sweeping up the pile the angel had pushed toward him. He sighed and looked at Castiel. "If you… if you can help me and tell me what you need, I'll do my best to do it for you."

Castiel looked over at Dean again, his eyes flicking up briefly to the camera in the corner of the room before coming back to Dean. He licked his lips and then turned back toward the wall, pressing his forehead against it and closing his eyes. Castiel seemed so lost, so hopeless, that it twisted Dean's heart.

"I'll be back by with breakfast in a…" Dean started and was shocked when Castiel interrupted him.

"My wings ache."

"What?" Dean asked.

"My wings are causing me pain," Castiel said again, his voice a low rumble, face still pressed against the wall.

"Oh," Dean said stupidly, his gaze shifting to Castiel's bound wings. Of course they were hurting him. They'd already been severely damaged when he'd gotten here and tightly bound for the last month. Dean let his eye follow the ravaged curve of wing bone, along the strap that held them bent in place, and decided. He'd deal with the fallout later. "Castiel, do you trust me?"

The angel turned to look at him, his face impassive. "You have shown me kindness, but no, I don't trust you."

"Yeah, okay, fair enough. But, look, everything on you's locked and I don't have the key. And if I go ask for it there's no way they'll say yes, so the only way you're getting out of those wing bindings is if I cut them off of you." The blood drained from Castiel's face and he turned back to the wall. "I swear, Castiel, I won't hurt you. But it's the only way they're coming off right now. Upper management's not exactly inclined to trust you after you put two holes in me."

Castiel didn't say anything and after another minute of silence, Dean realized that he could see the angel trembling. Was he that afraid of Dean? That afraid of being touched? He debated if he should say something, attempt to comfort the angel, or if that would only agitate him further. He'd just decided that he'd tell Castiel to think about it and then leave him alone, but Castiel turned back to him.

"Cut the bindings off." He was still trembling, but he seemed resolved.

Dean nodded and rose slowly to standing and gestured for Castiel to do the same. The angel stood and Dean pulled his knife from his pocket and slowly flipped the blade out. Castiel watched the movement carefully, fear written clearly across his features, and Dean wanted to kick the angel's former owner in the balls.

"I promise you, Castiel, I won't hurt you."

"If you do, I will hurt you in return," Castiel said evenly and Dean nodded.

"Fair deal. Now, I've got to come close to you. Ready?" Castiel nodded and Dean slowly moved closer, inside the angel's reach. His heart was thumping fast and his shoulders ached where Castiel had impaled him, but he kept moving. When he was close enough, he said, "I'm going to put my fingers between between the strap and your wing. I'll touch them as little as possible."

Castiel nodded, his lips drawn into a tight line. Touching an angel's wings was an intimate thing, something meant to be shared only with those the angel trusted most, between lovers and family, but Castiel's wings had obviously been tortured and Dean desperately didn't want to cause him more pain. He looked for a place where the strap wasn't flush against the feathers and found it on the front, in a couple of inches in from where the wing joined the angel's back. He slid his fingers carefully behind the strap, his knuckles just grazing a ragged feather. He pulled the strap away and started sawing through it with his knife. It didn't take long before it was cut all the way through and he let the strap fall to the ground before stepping back. The wing twitched and Castiel let out a small, anguished sound. Dean watched as Castiel shrugged his shoulders and twitched the wing again. It finally started to spread open and Castiel groaned.

"Move back," he said softly and Dean took several steps backward. When he was out of range, Castiel flapped his wing once, hissing in pain, and then extended it fully.

What feathers Castiel still had were mangled and crushed, but what was more shocking were how many were missing. The long, graceful primaries were nearly all missing, and the skin over the wingbones was covered with scars and newer gashes, some festering.

"Oh, Jesus," Dean breathed without meaning to and shifted his gaze from the wing to Castiel's face. Castiel was staring at his battered outstretched wing, a despondent look on his face.

"I'll never fly again, they're too damaged," he said, his voice tight and full of pain.

"You don't know for sure," Dean started and Castiel fixed him with a stare.

"Don't pity me," he hissed, his free wing arching.

But Dean did pity him. He felt immense sorrow for what Castiel had endured and he wanted to ease the angel's pain, to bring him even some small measure of comfort. He looked at Castiel's other wing. "How about I cut that one loose, now?"

For a second, Dean thought the angel was going to come at him - his eyes burned with rage and his lip curled and Dean felt a rush of adrenaline and fear because he had no doubt that if he wanted to, Castiel could kill him - but then, as quickly as the rage had come, it was gone and the angel sagged.

"Yes, please," he whispered, gaze cast toward the floor.

Dean stepped close again and cut off the second binding. He watched as Castiel painfully spread his second wing open, the devastation on this one no less than the first.

"Chuck needs to look at your wings again, Castiel. Some of those wounds are infected."

Castiel tipped his wings forward so he could see more clearly and he shook his head. "I've had worse, they'll be fine."

"But you don't have to deal with the pain. We can help you." Castiel stared at him impassively and Dean sighed. "If I bring you a tube of antibiotic ointment, would you use it?"

Castiel lifted his hands as far as the restraints on his wrists allowed and brought his wings forward. "I can't reach."

"Would you let me do it?" Dean asked and wasn't surprised at the vehemence with which Castiel spat, "No!"

"Castiel, let me help," he started and the angel advanced on him. Dean stumbled backward until his back hit the wall and Castiel was straining against the neck restraint, his wings spread wide and held high. Even as shredded as they were, it was terrifying.

"I don't want your help," the angel shouted. "I am not a _pet_ or a frightened animal. I have killed, human. Anything they put me against. I've lost count of how many animals I've ripped apart with my bare hands. I have killed humans. I have killed my own kind." His voice broke as he said that and he lunged at Dean again, as though he wanted to hide it. "I don't want you coming in here and talking softly or reading from a book, coddling me like I'm an innocent! I don't want your _help_! I want to be whole and unmutilated! I want to have no memories! I want…" His gaze shifted to the door and he backed up rapidly.

Dean had barely registered the door opening beside him when Bobby stepped through, tranq gun held in his hands.

"Bobby, no!" he shouted, but the dart was already fired. Castiel grunted, pulling the dart out of his shoulder, but the dose of tranquilizer had been delivered and he was already starting to sag. "Oh, Cas, Jesus, I'm sorry." Dean pushed away from the wall and rushed to Castiel's side, ignoring Bobby's shout. "I'm sorry," he said, catching the angel before he could hit the floor. "I'm sorry, Cas. I'm so sorry."

Dean lowered him gently to the floor and Castiel curled one wing around Dean's shoulder to pull him close. "I want it all to end," he slurred before he passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Castiel tells Dean that he's killed animals, humans, and other angels.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright. HEED THESE NOTES!
> 
> There is an extremely difficult conversation between Dean and Cas this chapter. They talk a little about what Castiel's time was a fighter was like and there are a couple of things that could bother some people. I've included specifics in the end notes. I've tried to include everything that I think could be a trigger.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Bobby shouted at Dean thirty minutes later. They were in Ellen's office and Ellen and Chuck were staring at them.

"I was thinking that he was in pain, Bobby, and that this place is supposed be safe. He's not supposed to hurt here. And keeping his wings bound like that was hurting him. Keeping the joints bent and closed up, he was stiff and the cuts were infected. Back me up here, Chuck," Dean turned on the doctor and Chuck sat up straighter.

"Uh, yes. I only examined him briefly, but some of the lacerations were definitely infected, likely from lack of air and blood circulation due to his wings being bound. He also has arthritis in the joints from years of abuse that was exacerbated by the bindings."

Dean pointed at Chuck and turned back to Bobby. "We didn't bring him here to torture him more!"

"Dammit Dean, we're not torturing him," Bobby shouted back.

"He was in pain!" Dean snapped.

"Alright, enough!" Ellen shouted over both of them. "Bobby, we were hurting him, there's no getting around it. But Dean," she said, rounding on him. "It wasn't intentional. I've got to keep my people safe and that angel came in here wild. The wing bindings stay off. But you and I are going to have words later about cutting them off without permission." Dean quailed at the look she gave him, but he'd known his actions would have consequences and he was ready to accept them. He'd do it all over again.

"What about the other restraints?"

"They stay on," she said and Dean boggled at her.

"Why?

"Because he's still dangerous, Dean," Ellen sighed, like it was obvious.

Dean ran his hands back through his hair and tugged on it in frustration. "Look, I was the one in that room with him. Was he angry? Yeah and he sure as shit has a right to be. Was he out of control or about to attack me? Nah, not even close." That, Dean thought, was probably an outright lie, that if Castiel had been free Dean might not be around to have this conversation, but he was going to keep that tidbit to himself.

"He was in a hell of a dominance display, shouting his head off when I got there," Bobby said and Dean had never felt a stronger urge to punch someone.

"Yeah, Bobby, he was pissed! We're pissed and shouting right now, but I don't see anyone suggesting we get chained to a fucking wall!"

"Are you being deliberately dense, boy? It's not the same thing!"

Dean had to turn away from Bobby at that point because if he didn't he was afraid of what he might say or do. This came down to the fundamentally different ways they saw the situation. Bobby didn't think angels should be mistreated, but he didn't see them as equals and didn't particularly have a problem with angels being kept as slaves. Dean wanted angels to be free and equal to humans, period.

"It _is_ the same thing," he said finally, turning back around. "Ellen, you've got to be able to see it's exactly the same thing. We're applying different standards to him because he's an angel and that's not right. He wasn't going to hurt me."

Bobby opened his mouth to respond but Ellen held up her hand. "Bobby. You're fighting a war you can't win, kiddo," she said to Dean. "That angel's not going to walk out of here free. We'll transfer ownership of him to a new master, so no, it's not the same and there  _are_ different standards for him. Do you know what would happen to this place if he turned on his new master? We'd be shut down, Dean, and then what would happen to all the angels we help?"

Dean rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. "Yeah, okay, I get that. I do. But come on, it's only been a month. And he wasn't going to hurt me. Yeah, he was yelling and his wings were flared but that was my fault. Give me a chance to prove to you that he can be trusted. But I can't do that if he's chained to a wall."

"You really want to go into that room without him being restrained at all," Ellen prompted and Dean nodded.

"I do."

Ellen looked down at her desk for a long time before sighing heavily. "The restraints come off," she started and Dean silently rejoiced while Bobby grumbled. "But you'll be accompanied by an armed orderly at all times, Dean." He opened his mouth to argue but Ellen fixed him with an iron stare. "It's that or nothing," she snapped.

"Let me explain it to him first. I don't just want to show up with an armed guard in tow," Dean said.

"Seems fair," Ellen agreed and Dean decided to press his advantage.

"Let me undo his bindings when I tell him."

Ellen stared at him, her gaze sharp. Dean stared back at her, pleading silently.

"You know I've got your signed waiver on file," she started and Dean rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, Ellen. I've already been punctured on your premises, I'm not going to sue you if he attacks me. But he's not going to attack me," he added hastily and Ellen chuckled.

"Alright, son. It's your funeral." She opened a drawer and pulled out a key on a cowboy boot fob. "That's the key to his restraints."

Dean snatched it out of her hand with a grin and headed back to Cas' room.

:::::::

He sat in Cas' room for a long time before the angel finally roused. Dean and Bobby had gotten him onto the bed after he'd passed out and his wings sagged off the sides, the tips brushing the floor. Movement caught Dean's eye and he looked up in time to see one of the wings twitch again. He stayed still and silent, thinking he'd let the angel come around more before he made himself known, but Castiel suddenly rolled off the bed with an agonized sound. He hit the floor hard and scrambled for the corner, gasping noisily, pressing his entire body against the wall.

"Castiel," Dean said softly. "Castiel, hey, it's okay."

Castiel moaned miserably and started shaking violently, curling in on himself, folding his arms over his head and curling his wings about himself. Dean could hear him saying something, but he couldn't make it out. He crept forward slowly and crouched down when he was still several feet from the terrified angel.

"Castiel," he said again, and the angel whimpered.

"I can be good, I can fight," he pleaded, his voice muffled in his arms. "Please don't make me do this. Please, let me fight, let me fight. I don't want to…"

"Cas." Dean had seen angels have flashbacks before, had helped them through them, but something about seeing Castiel, this proud, powerful angel cowering, made his heart twist painfully in his chest. "Cas, hey, look at me. Take a look around. Whatever you think is happening, Cas, it's not real, okay?" He waited to see if Castiel would look around, but the angel's head remained buried in his arms. "It's alright, buddy. You're at Harvelle's Angel Rescue in Broken Bow, Nebraska. We rescued you a little over a month ago. I'm Dean and I cut your wing bindings off this morning. Just take a look around Castiel. Come on, just look."

Hesitantly, Castiel dropped his arms and looked around the room, blinking owlishly. Some of the tension in Dean's chest eased.

"Yeah, Castiel, that's it. Look around. Tell me what you see."

"Nothing," Cas ground out after a long while, his voice rough and barely there. "This room is very bare."

Dean huffed a laugh. "Yeah, Ellen's not big on decor in the high security rooms."

"High security?" Castiel echoed and Dean's smile dropped.

"Yeah, man. That's where you end up when you put two holes in one of her employees. Not all the rooms are like this. But look," he added quickly. "Your wings are free and I'm here to unlock the rest of those restraints. You're gonna be free in a minute, Cas."

Castiel blinked a few more times, looking around the room, before fixing his gaze back on Dean. "I will never be free. I will always be chattel." 

Dean just looked at the angel for a long moment because there wasn't anything he could say to that; it was true. There was no such thing as a free angel in the United States.

"There are people who want that to change," Dean ventured. "Who want angels to be free and equ…"

Castiel cut him off with a hiss, rising from the floor to his full height, wings flaring. "Don't talk to me about equality when my entire life - my entire, _brutal_ life - has been for human amusement. Their entertainment. I am a _thing_ to be used, nothing more, and you have no idea what that is like. You do this, you play the hero and rescue angels and it makes you feel good about your part in my enslavement, the slavery of my entire race, so you can go on pretending that you're better than the humans who paid to watch me slaughter other living beings."

Dean followed Castiel's move and stood, for once using his slight height advantage to try and intimidate. "How about you don't pretend to know anything about me. And how about you get your fucking wings down before someone busts through that door and puts another god damn dart in you."

Castiel scowled but glanced up at the camera in the corner. "I know you're human," he spat. "That's enough." Abruptly, he snapped his wings shut and glared at the floor.

"You've got no goddamn clue," Dean growled through clenched teeth, remembering red hair and a high voice screaming his name. "Give me your hands."

Dean was staring at Castiel's bindings, but he could feel the angel's gaze turn on him.

"Dean," Castiel said after a moment of silence and Dean realized that it was the first time the angel had ever said his name. He still didn't look up.

"Give me your fucking hands, Castiel."

There was a moment where neither of them moved, but Castiel finally held his hands out and Dean grabbed them more roughly than he intended and Castiel jerked. Dean dropped them and took a deep breath before looking up.

"Look, man, we ain't gonna solve all the world's problems right now. Right now all I want to do is get you out of these bindings so I can maybe save your life. I don't give a shit what else you believe about me, but believe that."

Castiel's hands dropped, his gaze searching Dean's face.

"Save my life?" he asked finally.

"God!" Dean shouted and turned away from the angel, pacing across the room. "Yeah, save your life!" He spun back around. "We've got six months, Cas. _Six months_. After that you're fucking dead. Federally mandated _toast_." Castiel looked confused and Dean realized he probably had no idea of the laws. "We've got six months to certify that a rescued angel can be reintegrated. And it's fucking _shit_ but it's the law and if Ellen lets you leave and you go berzerk later she'll go to prison and this place'll be shut down. And you…." Dean trailed off, looking at Castiel with wide eyes.

"I'll be put down," he concluded.

Dean's jaw clenched. "Yeah."

"This bothers you," Castiel continued and Dean looked at him incredulously.

"Yeah it fucking bothers me!"

Castiel was silent for a long time as he regarded Dean. "It didn't bother you six months ago," he finally said, quietly.

"What?"

"It didn't bother you six months ago," Castiel repeated. "When this happened." His wings twitched open slightly. "When I was tortured for refusing to kill my opponent. When my feathers were pulled out one by one. The pain was unimaginable. I screamed and I _begged_. I would have done anything to make it stop. Where were you with your concern then?"

Dean stared at him uncomprehendingly for a moment, his emotions a riot. "Six months ago? Six months ago I was outside Memphis helping to take down an illegal breeding farm. There were a dozen male angels and, _god_ , I don't know. Fifty females? And they'd… fuck. They'd been dewinged and…." Dean swallowed. "So that's where my _concern_ was, Castiel. On those angels who needed help."

" _I_ needed help," Castiel said, his voice wavering.

"Yeah, Cas, I know! But I can't fucking help everyone at once! There are angels hurting right this second. Are you pissed that I'm not there helping them? And those angels at the breeding farm… Jesus, Castiel, you've got no idea…."

The hand around his throat took him completely by surprise and his hands came up to grab at Castiel's arm. The fingers around his throat tightened for a second before letting go abruptly, making Dean stumble.

Castiel dropped his gaze to the floor. "I know." His voice was quiet.

Dean opened his mouth, ready to argue back, but Castiel's words made his argument dry up in his throat. "Castiel?"

The angel didn't look at him, just turned away and paced back to the corner and kept his back turned toward Dean.

"Castiel, were you…" The angel's shoulders lifted and his wings curled forward around himself.  _Oh Jesus_ , Dean thought. _Oh Jesus fuck_. "Cas, I…"

The sound of the door snicking open drew his attention and he spun, automatically putting himself between it and Castiel. Bobby stood there with a tranq gun, looking dangerous.

"Dean," Bobby said and Dean spread his arms out, trying to hide more of Castiel's body with his own.

"Get out, Bobby. We're fine."

"He had his fingers around your throat, boy."

"Yeah, and hey look!" Dean shouted. "I'm fine! So leave, Bobby. _Please_. Please, leave."

Bobby looked over Dean's shoulder at the angel hunched there, back still to both of them, and then back at Dean. After a long, considering moment he nodded. "Alright. But I won't be far."

"Okay," Dean said, relieved. "Sure. Thanks." 

He waited until the door had latched shut and then turned back to Castiel, but he had no idea what to say. If he was understanding the angel properly he'd been used as a _breeder_ in addition to a fighter. Dean's eyes traveled over the room aimlessly, wondering what to say, when they landed on the bed. The bed that Castiel hadn't slept in once, willingly. And the one time he had, when he and Bobby had deposited his unconscious body there earlier in this fucking interminable day, the angel had woken in a state of panic.

"Oh, Jesus, Cas. I wish I'd made it to you in time. I wish… I'm sorry I couldn't save you."

Cas' wings fluffed a little at that. "I was lost long before you were rescuing angels," he said softly. "I'm the one who's sorry. I'm not your responsibility. I shouldn't have made you feel as though I were."

"How old were you," Dean blurted before he could stop himself and hated it when he saw Castiel's wings draw tight again. "Nevermind. Nevermind, it's not important. I'm sorry I asked. Just, just let's undo these locks."

"Twenty," Castiel said suddenly. "After I had proved my worth as a fighter. After…" The angel's breath hitched. "It was after the first time I had faced another angel; the first time I…"

Castiel didn't finish, but he didn't have to. Dean knew. Matches were to the death. 

Dean put a hand over his eyes, unspeakable sorrow warring with unspeakable rage. He took a steadying breath, trying to rein his emotions in because he needed to have it together, to be stable for Castiel. This wasn't about him, this was about Cas. He took another deep breath and dropped his hand.

"Let me unlock the restraints, Castiel. Please."

The angel remained facing the corner for a long time, his wings still pulled around him, still trembling, before finally turning around and extending his hands. His eyes met Dean's and he nodded slowly.

Dean took Castiel's wrist more gently this time and inserted the key into the lock. When the first strap fell, Dean hissed at the sight of the abraded skin of the angel's wrist.

"Castiel, I'm sorry, this shouldn't have happened. Not here. Not where you should be safe." Dean blinked back tears and unlocked the other wrist. He looked at the abused skin and whispered, "I'm sorry," again. 

"Dean," Castiel said softly, and Dean realized that he had been standing there cradling Castiel's wrists long past what was appropriate.

Dean cleared his throat and stepped back, releasing his grip. "The other two locks are on back."

Castiel turned around silently, arching his wings slightly so Dean could reach the lock at the small of his back. As soon as Dean slipped the lock out of its loop, the whole apparatus fell to the floor and Castiel kicked it away from him.

"One more," Dean said unnecessarily and undid the final lock at Castiel's neck.

Castiel made a soft noise as soon as it fell loose and reached up to knock the chain off his shoulder. It clattered to the ground and he turned around to face Dean again. Dean's eyes went wide at the sight of a livid bruise circling his throat. Dean remembered Castiel jerking against the restraint so hard that his feet had gone out from under him. Dean reached up unthinkingly, wanting only to soothe the pain away but Castiel drew back. 

"Please don't touch me."

Dean withdrew his hand quickly and stepped back. "Sure, of course. I'm sorry."

"Thank you. May I… may I stretch my wings?"

Dean stepped back farther with a smile. "Yeah, go ahead."

He watched as Castiel spread his wings wide and then reached his arms up over his head. Dean heard several pops as the angel stretched with a happy sigh. He lifted the tips of his wings as high as they would go, his shoulders bunching, before relaxing and bringing his arms and wings down.

"That felt good, thank you." Castiel wasn't smiling, but he looked a little more relaxed. "And thank you for removing the restraints."

"It wasn't right that you were in them in the first place, but getting them off came with some caveats." Wariness crept back into Castiel's expression. "I'm going to be accompanied by an armed orderly from now on," he said in a rush, peeling the bandage off fast. "I tried to argue that it wasn't necessary," he started but Castiel shook his head.

"It's appropriate. I have proven that I'm incapable of controlling myself and I could easily kill you." He seemed to hesitate and then added, "I don't want to kill you."

"Well, I'm glad to hear that. But you and me, Cas, we got a lot of work to do. It's not going to be easy."

"What will this work consist of?"

Dean could hear the cold fear in the angel's voice. "I'll work with you on physical therapy and integration. That sounds fancy, but mostly we'll be doing things outside together. Or maybe in the kitchen if you want."

"Things?" Castiel asked.

"Chores. Pamela will talk to you, get you to talk to her."

"I will be forced to perform these duties?" Castiel questioned and Dean shrugged.

"No. You can sit in here all day, staring at the wall and gathering dust, but there's no way Ellen's going to certify you in that case and then…." He trailed off, but Castiel understood.

"Federally mandated toast," Castiel repeated Dean's earlier words and Dean's eyebrows shot up.

" _That's_ what you're going to joke about?" 

Castiel shrugged and looked up at the ceiling. "I have spent the better part of my life expecting death. It's a fluke I've lived this long."

"Well," Dean said, his throat tight, "I'll be damned if we've gotten this far only to have you offed because of some stupid, arbitrary time limit for rehabilitation. But look, we've got five months now and you have to be absolutely incident free for a minimum of two months, so if you start feeling agitated or overwhelmed or anything, you don't wait for me, you just come straight back here, okay?"

Castiel nodded and Dean continued.

"Okay. I'll take you down to the commissary so you can pick out some clothes. Now that you're out of the restraints, you can get a shirt. There's a pretty decent selection of stuff down there. I'll also get you a list of jobs available so you can choose what you want to do. If you decide you'd rather not sit here and gather dust, that is."

"The inactivity of the last month has been unpleasant. I would appreciate a chance to exert myself."

Dean's eyes dipped briefly to the angel's broad shoulders and his defined biceps before lifting back to his face. "The manual labor jobs are the hardest to get volunteers for, so if you want them, they'll likely be easy to get. Just don't expect a job in the office. Hannah and Hael have nailed those down."

Castiel looked uncomfortable. "I have no reason to want a job in the office. I have no skills to offer."

"Don't worry about it," Dean offered. "I'd rather dig my eyeballs out with a spoon than work in the office." Castiel's eyes narrowed at that, as if he was trying to figure out if Dean was serious or not, and Dean smiled. "No office work. We can work in the kitchen or there are plenty of other things to do. We can ease you in."

Castiel regarded him for a long moment. "This is training so I will be useful to my new master?"

Dean was so startled by that comment that his mouth dropped open. "N-no. That's not… no."

"So I will not be sold?" They stared at each other, Dean not knowing what to say and Castiel going completely still the longer the silence dragged out. Finally, the angel dropped Dean's gaze. "Of course I will be sold."

Dean wanted to punch something he was so angry, but he wrestled it into submission because he didn't want Cas to think he was angry at him. "It's not… We don't…." He looked at Cas and felt helpless, more helpless than he'd felt in a long time. Castiel looked back up at him and he shook his head. "I'm sorry."

Cas nodded and shook out his wings. It was a gesture of disgust and if Dean had wings, he'd be flicking them the same way. "I expected nothing less."

His voice was flat, emotionless, but Dean knew that he'd allowed himself to hope. And he knew that he was the one who'd crushed that hope beneath his heel and he hated that.

"Ellen has a network of people, abolitionists. She gets them to buy your papers, but they'll treat you like an employee, Cas. You won't be treated like a slave and you'll never have to fight again. You'll never…" He tried to say that Cas would never be sexually abused again, used as a breeder, but he couldn't get the words out. "You'll be as close to free as you can be. We can even make sure you live with other angels if you want."

Several emotions flittered across Cas' face at that, too fast for Dean to really parse, but sorrow overlaid it all. "I never truly expected to be free, but if I can live without violence…." His voice broke and he swallowed. "I would appreciate living without violence."

Castiel's voice was strangled with emotion and Dean desperately wanted to reach out and grasp his shoulder or something, to comfort him, but he remembered Cas' request to not be touched, so he reined it in and kept his hands at his side.

"I can promise that, Cas. That's the one fucking thing I can really give you. _None_ of that will ever happen to you again."

Castiel's fierce facade cracked a little at that. His lips twitched and his eyes brimmed with tears but none spilled over. "Thank you, Dean," he said finally, his voice mostly even. "I am ready to work."

"Great," Dean said. "Let's go get you some real clothes."

Dean wasn't thrilled to see Bobby leaning against the wall down the hall, tranq gun slung over his shoulder, but he knew it was part of getting Cas free.

"Don't forget we're going to be chaperoned for a while," he said over his shoulder and Cas nodded.

"I remember." Castiel looked over to Bobby and inclined his head in acknowledgement. "You are the one who rescued me." 

Bobby stood up straight and nodded. "That was me." 

"Thank you," Castiel murmured and Bobby looked surprised.

"Of course. Wasn't right, that situation you were in."

"No," Castiel agreed quietly and then turned back to Dean. "We were going to the commissary?"

"Yeah." A smile pulled at the corner of his mouth. He glanced at Bobby before turning to head down the hallway, taking in his shocked expression. For the first time since he'd taken charge of Castiel's care, he thought they might really have a shot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When Cas wakes up after being tranquilized, he has a panic attack.
> 
> Mention of torture when Cas tells Dean what happened to his wings.
> 
> Mention of forced breeding with regards to other angels. Mention of dewinged angels.
> 
> Castiel reveals that he was sexually abused in the form of forced breeding.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hooray, a chapter that doesn't cause serious discomfort! At least I don't think there's anything here that hasn't been warned about before/should trigger anyone who's made it this far. Therefore, there are no end notes! 
> 
> The side snap thing for those who care - If you've got wings, my interpretation is that something must go over your head, between your wings, and then connect on the lower part of your torso. I know I said I wasn't going to think about this but I CANNOT HELP IT! I think about all the things!! I have been researching native Nebraska trees. Blatantly false things really throw me out of a story, so I try to get as much realism as I can in here because there are times when I'm asking you to suspend disbelief.
> 
> If you've got some beefs, please let me know. (It may make you happy to know that I have a folder of 'beefs' so I can avoid them as well I can!)
> 
> Anyhow, here's what happens next!

The next morning, Dean knocked on Cas' door and waited for the angel to let him in. Cas looked at him quizzically as he opened the door, but Dean ignored it.

"Thought maybe you'd want to go down to the caf for breakfast this morning." As he spoke, he noticed that Cas had finally taken the covers and pillows off the bed and put them on the floor in the corner. It wasn't ideal, but it was something. He looked up at Cas and smiled. "Nice duds."

Castiel looked down at himself and smoothed his hands down the shirt he was wearing. "I've never chosen what I would wear. I look alright?"

Dean looked him over. Cas had chosen a dark, soft cotton shirt with silver button side snaps for his top, a pair of jeans, and some heavy boots that Dean personally thought were going to be so hot that Cas would be burning up by the end of the day, but he didn't comment on it.

"Yeah. You look ready for a day of work. You look pretty bad ass, actually." He grinned, hoping to eek a smile out of Castiel, but it didn't work. Cas looked down at his clothing again and nodded.

"I feel as though I'm ready to work. You said I'd have my choice of jobs?"

"Yeah," Dean said as he dug in his pocket. He unfolded the piece of paper he extracted and held it out to Castiel. "You get to choose what we'll do when we're together, but I still have my regular job I need to do, so we'll have to work around that, unless you want to help in the kitchen."

Castiel took the paper and looked it over before handing it back to Dean. "Whatever you think I'll be suited for is fine."

Dean reached out hesitantly to take the list. "You've got no preference?"

Castiel glanced down at the paper and then shook his head. "No, they all look equally good."

"Not even a top three or something?" He wanted to make sure Cas was doing something he enjoyed, but Castiel shook his head and Dean sighed. "Alright. I guess we'll just do whatever needs getting done." Castiel nodded and Dean sighed again. "So, breakfast?"

Castiel looked uncomfortable, but he nodded. "Yes, I think I would like to go to breakfast in the caf."

Dean smiled at the careful way Castiel said 'the caf' and then looked at his watch. "I've got to get down to the kitchen and help get everything ready; I'm already running late, actually. I'll come back to get you as soon as I'm done and we'll head down?"

Cas nodded and Dean grinned. 

"Awesome, I'll see you in just a little bit." As he left, Dean thought he also needed to show Cas where the library and rec room was so he could find himself some entertainment when they weren't working. He was compiling a mental list of things to show Cas when he ran into Bobby.

"Mornin' Dean. Forget something?"

"Uh, n… Oh. Look, it wasn't on purpose, I just forgot."

Bobby held up a hand to forestall any further argument. "I ain't gonna jump down your throat. Why don't you just tell me your itinerary for the day."

"I thought we'd get that fence on the north side finally taken care of, since it keeps getting put off. And, uh…" Dean looked down and rubbed the back of his neck. God dammit, how could he have forgotten that Cas was supposed to have an armed guard accompanying him at all times?  _ Shit. _ "I already sorta told him we could have breakfast in the caf." 

Bobby rolled his eyes and sighed because there was no way he was going to sit in the caf with a tranq gun anywhere on his person. "You're getting this day off to a great start." He looked at the floor and rubbed his beard, and Dean knew that meant he was firing on all cylinders. "Alright, look, I'll cover Gadreel's shift and he can sit with you. He's bigger than Castiel, so if something happens he can step in until I can get there with the gun."

Dean nearly sagged with relief. That was a perfect fix. "Thanks, Bobby." He clapped Bobby on the shoulder. "I'll let sour puss know when I see him." 

Dean was feeling really good as he helped Benny prepare breakfast, ignoring the looks his friend was sending his way. Gadreel agreed to sit with Cas and Dean during the morning meal and even seemed excited at the prospect. As excited as the reserved angel ever got. Breakfast would either be an awkward, silent affair, with Dean offering all the conversation, or Cas and Gadreel would hit it off and be quiet and stoic together.

Optimistic about how the day would go, Dean trotted back upstairs to get Cas. The angel looked tense and nervous when Dean got to his room and Dean paused. 

"Are you sure you want to do this? We can have breakfast in here if you want. Or take it outside. We don't have to go to the caf."

Castiel looked like he wanted take the out Dean was offering but then he visibly gathered himself together and shook his head. "No, I would like to go to the caf."

"Alright then, let's go. I asked another angel to sit with us. His name is Gadreel and he works here. Helps out in the kitchen and also helps Chuck with some of the medical stuff."

"He works here? He's not owned?"

"It's like I was telling you. Ellen gets people to buy the papers and then the angel gets to live as basically a free person," Dean explained as they walked down the stairs.

"And Gadreel doesn't live with the person who owns him?"

Dean snorted. "God, no. No, he lives here."

Cas seemed to contemplate this as they entered the cafeteria. Dean pointed out the trays and silverware and where they could grab their plates of food. Castiel plucked a fork from the cup of them and held it out toward Dean.

"I guess I've graduated in more ways than one." He wasn't smiling, but there was a little glint of humor in his eyes and Dean grinned, thrilled to have made even that small in small inroad. 

"You can even have a knife if you want," he said, his voice low and conspiratorial.

The humor left Cas' eyes and he looked around. "I suppose there is someone nearby armed with a tranquilizer gun."

Dean's grin fell. "Yeah. There is. But look, I can probably get Ellen to get rid of that stipulation in a week or two if we play our cards right."

"Play our cards right?" Castiel's brow was drawn down, clearly confused and Dean huffed a laugh.

"Yeah, it's an expression. We've gotta watch what we do, do the right things at the right time. But just remember what I told you yesterday. If you feel like you're going to lose your temper or get overwhelmed or anything, you just head back to your room, alright?"

Before Cas could answer, Dean was slapped on the ass. Dean rolled his eyes at Cas and turned to face a broadly grinning Jo.

"You're so embarrassing," Dean said and Jo laughed.

"Oh, you say that like you don't like it when I touch your ass."

Dean scowled. "Don't you have a job to do?"

Now it was Jo's turn to roll her eyes. "I'm really sorry he's your rehabilitation counsellor," she said to Castiel. "He's a giant pain in the ass."

"Hey," Dean protested as Castiel looked between them. "Don't listen to her, I'm awesome."

Castiel nodded uncertainly and Dean offered him an encouraging smile before turning back to Jo and shooting her a warning look that Cas couldn't see. "We were just about to get breakfast. You eaten?" He tried to convey with his eyebrows that if she ate with them she'd need to behave herself. He must have gotten something across because Jo's expression sobered a little.

"No, I haven't. Mind if I join you?"

Dean turned back to Cas. "Do you mind?"

Castiel seemed startled at having been asked, so he just shook his head. "That's fine."

Dean and Jo made idle conversation as they passed through the line, Dean pointing out different things to Cas. Castiel seemed hesitant to take much of anything, but Dean encouraged him to load up.

"We've got a long day of manual labor ahead of us. You won't last long on a spoonful of eggs and a piece of toast."

Cas loaded his plate more generously after that, but he still seemed uneasy. Dean didn't pester him anymore about it and just hoped that as the angel got more comfortable, he'd feel free to eat whatever he wanted.

Gadreel had already gotten his breakfast and was sitting at a table, so the trio made their way over to him.

"Gadreel, this is Castiel," Dean introduced after they sat down. "Cas, this is Gadreel."

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Castiel," Gadreel said and Cas nodded awkwardly.

"You as well."

Quiet and stoic, just as Dean feared.

Jo stepped up to break the awkward silence. "What are you guys up to today?"

"Figured we'd take care of the fence on the north side of the property since  _ someone _ refuses to help me."

Gadreel arched an eyebrow imperiously. "My studies with Chuck are my priority, not making sure the chickens stay on the property."

"Might become a priority when they all run off and we don't have any more eggs," Dean said pointedly and Gadreel looked down at the generous pile of eggs on his plate.

"I trust that you will ensure the safety of our egg supply, Dean."

Dean pointed his fork at the angel sitting across from him. "You are a slippery bastard, Dree."

Conversation wandered from there, Cas mostly listening, but joining in occasionally. After Gadreel had detailed some of the new things he was learning with Chuck, Cas looked at him intensely.

"You are studying medicine?"

"Yes, informally," Gadreel answered.

"Your owner has not forbidden it?"

Gadreel's gaze darted briefly to Dean before turning back to Cas. "The human who holds my papers does not offer input on how I choose to spend my time."

Dean had gone totally still next to Cas, cursing himself for not considering that this might come up. Jo was looking between the three of them with wide eyes. Cas looked at Jo and then turned to Dean. Dean forced himself to meet Cas' gaze.

Cas' expression was utterly devoid of emotion, but his voice, when he spoke, was furious. 

"Who holds your papers?" He was speaking to Gadreel, but he was staring at Dean, some of the fury leaking into his eyes, along with hurt.

Gadreel hesitated and Dean spoke up. "I do."

The hand resting on the table gathered into a fist and the muscles in Cas' jaw jumped. "You are a slaveholder."

"I hold his papers so he can live as free a life as possible." Out of the corner of his eye he could see that Gadreel was poised and ready to move should Castiel attack him. "I don't like it, but…"

Dean was cut off when Cas suddenly rose from his seat. He flinched, sure he was about to get punched, and Gadreel was halfway out of his seat, but Cas just stalked silently from the cafeteria.

"Should I follow him?" Gadreel asked.

Dean wanted to say no, but he also wanted to make sure Cas didn't do anything stupid. "He's probably just going back to his room. If you could make sure?"

Gadreel nodded and took off after Castiel. Dean rested his elbows on the table and scrubbed his hands over his face. He couldn't believe how badly things had just gotten fucked up. Cas might never want to speak to him again.

"That could have gone worse," Jo said and Dean dropped his hands from his face to glare at her.

"In what universe could that have gone worse?"

"He could have attacked you, or caused a scene. Instead, he just left."

Dean sighed and crossed his arms on the table in front of him. "I told him that if he felt like he was going to lose it, he should just head back to his room."

"At least he listened."

"Jesus, Jo, what the hell am I going to do? I was just finally getting a little glimmer of trust from him. That's all gonna be shot to hell now."

"He was surprised; give him a chance to think about it. You told him how mom handles the sales, right?" Dean nodded. "He wasn't expecting you to hold an angel's papers, but he's got to see that you don't treat Gadreel anything like a slave."

Dean shoved his plate away and stared at the table, trying to think of how he was going to fix this. Eventually Gadreel slid back into his seat.

"He returned to his room."

Dean nodded, relieved.

"I attempted to speak to him, but he did not appear to be in a condition to hear what I had to say."

"Thanks for trying, Dree." He sighed and started gathering their trays. "I'd sweet talked Benny into letting me out of lunch prep for today, but there's no reason to skip it now."

Jo reached over and put her hand on his forearm. "You're not giving up, are you?"

Dean stared down at the trays. "No, I'm not giving up, I'm just going to give him some time to process. And I've got to let Bobby know. Shit. And Cas doesn't really know anything about the rhythm of the day here. He's not going to know when lunch is. Or dinner. Jesus, how could I have fucked this up so bad. What if this is it? What if I just killed him?"

"Dean." Dean felt Gadreel's hand on his back and realized that the angel had moved to sit beside him. "You must calm down."

He looked up at Gadreel, the concern written clearly across his features and then over at Jo. She looked worried too and he realized he was gripping the trays so hard that his knuckles had turned white and his hands were shaking. He released the trays and flexed his stiff fingers.

"I promised him. I promised I'd save him and what if I just shot that to shit?"

"Dean." Jo's voice was sharp, so much like her mother's, that Dean looked up out of reflex. "You are borrowing trouble, so quit it. Give Castiel a chance to cool down and then go talk to him. And if he really can't get over it, someone else can take over his rehab."

"It took a month before he would even  _ talk _ to me, Jo. We don't have that kind of time."

"Just wait and see what happens when you talk to him, before you go signing his death warrant, okay?" Jo squeezed his arm where her hand still rested and then withdrew.

Dean took a deep breath. "Yeah, okay. I just… I feel for him. I want to help him."

"You are, Dean," Gadreel said. "He has been freed from his bindings and allowed to join us for a meal."

"As long as I've got a bodyguard," Dean groused and Gadreel shook his head.

"In time you will not need one. But for now, appreciate what you have accomplished and have faith that you will be able to accomplish more."

Gadreel's voice was gentle and Jo was looking at him with doe eyes and he realized he'd just freaked out in the middle of the caf.

"Yeah, I will," he muttered, flushed with embarrassed, and picked up the trays.

He stalked into the kitchen and Benny kept shooting him questioning looks as Dean started scraping off plates and loading up the dishwasher. Finally Dean snapped, "What?"

"Thought you were skipping lunch prep."

Dean yanked down the lever on the machine to start the quick wash cycle. "Change of plans."

Benny nodded, wiping down a counter so he could lay out bread for sandwiches. "Baby bird bite your hand?"

"He found out I  _ own _ Gadreel." He angrily started stacking plates for the next round of dishes and almost broke them when he heard Benny chuckle.

"I told you that was a bad idea, brother."

"It's like not like I wanted to do it, as you damn well know." He slammed a plate down and this one did break. "Shit."

"He'll come around," Benny said, laying out bread in neat rows so he could smear them with mayonnaise.

Dean closed his eyes and gripped the counter, forcing himself to count to ten. Then he did it again because he was still pissed. Everyone kept saying Cas would come around, that Cas would understand. But they had no fucking  _ clue_. Dean had been working with angels at Harvelle's since he was sixteen and they had never had an angel housed here who had endured what Castiel had. Dean was nowhere near certain that Cas would understand and he had no idea how he was going to about trying to explain it to him. 

"I wish everyone would stop saying that." Dean tossed the pieces of the broken plate into the garbage angrily. "He…" Dean pressed his lips together and shook his head.

It was an accident that he held Gadreel's papers, a desperate, 11th hour move. Would Castiel understand that? Would Dean be able to make him understand? And if he couldn't, would someone else be able to take over? The thought of not remaining with Castiel through his rehabilitation made something ache in Dean's chest, and that scared him. He was becoming attached to the angel in a way he swore he'd never be attached again.

He realized he was standing in front of the open fridge, just staring into space. He pulled out the bags of lettuce he'd originally gone in there for and turned back toward his prep space. He dumped the lettuce into the big stainless bowls and reached for the tomatoes, chopping them absently while his mind churned. He was brought back to reality by the knife slicing through his finger.

"Ah, fuck," he swore and stuck his finger in his mouth, pressing his tongue against the wound.

"How bad you get yourself," Benny asked and Dean took his finger out of his mouth to look.

The cut immediately welled up with blood again, but he could see that it wasn't actually that bad. "I just need a bandaid."

He was washing the cut when Benny leaned against the counter next to him and put down the first aid kit. When Dean shut off the water, Benny handed him a towel to press against the wound so it would stop bleeding.

"You're distracted."

Dean nodded, staring at his hands.

"Thinking about that angel?"

"Castiel. Yeah," Dean agreed quietly.

"You're workin' as hard as you can, man, and no one works harder than you. If anyone can fix this, it's you."

Benny took Dean's hand and tossed the towel away before selecting a band aid to put over Dean's cut.

"Try to stay focused. Lunch don't need no extra protein in it." Dean huffed a laugh and Benny clapped him on the shoulder. "I'll get the next load of dishes in since you abandoned them. And you remember what I told you, brother. Be careful with him."

This time, Dean felt like Benny was seeing right into the heart of him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the next chapter! Nothing crazy this time. The fallout from the last chapter, a little more backstory. Enjoy!

Dean paced in the stairwell landing, the bag of food he was holding bumping against his thigh. After Cas had stormed out of the cafeteria, the day had gone as well as Dean could have hoped. He'd told Bobby what happened and Bobby had seemed pleased that the angel had removed himself from the situation rather than losing his temper. Then Dean had asked Gadreel if he'd try to coax Castiel down for lunch, maybe show him around the grounds if he seemed in the mood for it. Gadreel had later reported back that Castiel had declined to go down for a communal lunch, but had accepted a tray when Gadreel brought it for him. When Gadreel had asked Dean if he'd like him to do the same for dinner, Dean shook his head. It was time to talk to Cas.

Flagrantly ignoring Ellen's stricture that he be accompanied by an armed guard, he'd packed two dinners, put them in a bag and headed to Cas' room. That had been nearly an hour ago and he still hadn't gotten up the courage to leave the stairwell and walk down the hall to Cas' door. He didn't want to see that hardness in Cas' eyes again, didn't want Cas to tell him to leave him alone.

He was just turning to make another circuit of the landing when Castiel opened the door.

"How long do you intend to continue pacing?"

Dean pulled up short and flushed. "I didn't actually intend to pace at all."

"For not intending to do it, you've been at it a very long time." Dean fidgeted nervously and it seemed to rub off on Cas whose fingers started playing absently with the door latch. "Were you coming to see me?" He was hesitant and unsure and it gave Dean hope.

"Yeah, actually. Yeah. You missed dinner, but…" He lifted the bag a little. "I thought maybe we could eat and I could explain about… about Gadreel. If you want."

Cas dropped his gaze to the floor, his wings drooping slightly. He looked so _sad_. "I have no right to any explanation. It is the world we live in." 

_A shit world_ , Dean thought, but to Cas he said, "You do have a right to know. If we're going to make this partnership work and get you out of here safe, you've got to trust me, at least a little." Cas didn't look up at him and he steeled himself. "So, you want to have dinner?"

Cas stared at the floor for another moment before lifting his head. His wings remained drooped in that sad position, though. "Can we…" he started hesitantly. "Can we eat in the caf? I am tired of staring at the walls in my room."

Dean smiled, glad that he could give Cas what he wanted. "I'll do you one better. The weather's beautiful right now. We can eat outside if that sounds good."

Castiel nodded and they headed down the stairs. As they left the building Cas looked around.

"I thought we were supposed to be accompanied?"

"Yeah, technically, but Bobby went home before I could ask him. I looked for someone else, but no luck."

Castiel shot him a skeptical look at this and Dean grinned unabashedly. The night was unseasonably warm for late May, the sky was just easing into shades of purple and orange, and Castiel was seemingly willing to forgive him for owning one of his kind.

"Is this playing our cards right?"

Dean chuckled. "Not really, but I think it'll be alright."

Dean led them up the rise of a hill where a large cottonwood tree dominated the top, its branches spreading wide. Castiel looked curiously at it and all the white fluff clinging to the tree and the ground beneath.

"It's how the tree got its name," Dean said, tugging a bit of fluff from a low hanging branch. "People thought it looked like cotton." He held it out to Cas and Cas took it. He stroked it briefly and Dean was shocked to see a small smile pull at Castiel's lips.

"It's soft. Reminds me of the down new growth feathers."

"It's a bitch on allergies."

"And new feather growth itches terribly. Maybe it is the way of life that discomfort accompanies beauty." Cas let go of the bit of fluff and watched as the breeze carried it away. As he watched it go, his smile faded and he was left with that quality of sadness that had clung to him since they'd met in the stairwell.

Not knowing what else to do, Dean sat on the ground and opened up the bag. "It's lasagne tonight. And garlic bread. I made the bread."

Castiel sat, adjusting his wings so they trailed along the ground behind him. "You made bread?"

Dean shrugged, embarrassed. "I had a lot of time on my hands." He handed a foil wrapped package of bread to Cas and then noticed his wings. "You groomed."

The tips of Castiel's wings drug across the grass as he spread them unconsciously, gathering up bits of cottonwood fluff as they moved. "As well as I could."

"I'll bring you a grooming comb." Dean finished handing Cas all his food and utensils in silence. He was glad to see that Cas had taken the time to groom. The feathers he had left weren't perfect, but they were much smoother than they had been. There were still gaps that were painful to see, but eventually new feathers would grow to fill in those gaps and the mangled feathers would be molted and replaced by new ones. Dean hoped he'd be able to see Castiel's wings when they were whole again, but he doubted he would. It would take years for them heal fully and it was likely that Cas would want to go far away from here.

They ate in silence, Castiel taking in the the view being up on the hill afforded. They could see the entire property of Harvelle's and then, beyond that, corn and soybean fields as far as the eye could see. The faint glow of Broken Bow was just visible in the gathering dark. Dean wanted to say the silence was comfortable, but there was tension between them that was just growing worse the longer the silence drew out. Finally, Dean put down his food because his stomach was starting to hurt.

"Do you want to talk about…" He stalled out there. Cas obviously knew, but saying the words aloud seemed too hard.

Castiel shook his head and looked down at his food. "There is no need to explain. It's your prerogative to own an angel." The way Cas' wings moved restlessly over the grass was the only sign of his agitation. His voice was hollow.

"Castiel, come on," Dean plead. "You've got to know that I would never  _want_ to own another living being.That I find the idea of it disgusting."

"Yet you own one." One of Cas' wings twitched up.

"It's not like I wanted to or… or  _asked_ for it. His six months were up and Ellen couldn't find anyone in her network to buy his papers. As the owner of the rescue, she can't own any angels, and it was someone here do it or he was going to go to the state auction and end up a slave again. Lucky me, I just happened to be the one who got roped into it. If I could set him free, I'd do it in a heartbeat."

Castiel was silent as he considered Dean's words and Dean watched him anxiously. 

"Look, if you want someone else to take over your rehab, I'll understand." It pained him to make the offer, but ultimately he wanted what was best for Cas.

The silence continued to spin out and Dean stabbed at his remaining lasagne. He was certain Cas was going to ask for a new counsellor and Dean chided himself. He shouldn't have gotten so attached to the angel. From the second Castiel had gotten here Dean had felt a pull toward him, needed to help him. He hadn't even tried to fight it, had just invested his whole self into getting Cas to talk to him, treating him like a worthwhile being, helping him find a path back to himself. And now that was all fucked up.

"That won't be necessary," Cas said, finally.

"What?" Dean was sure he hadn't heard him right.

"I don't want someone else." Cas looked up at him. "You… you have treated me with kindness and respect. You treat Gadreel like a friend. I believe you to be a good person. I want to complete my rehabilitation and…" Castiel paused and looked down again. He swallowed before continuing. "I never expected this. I fought for the first time when I was seventeen and then it never stopped. All of my memories are soaked in blood. I knew I would die in the ring. The older I got, the more likely it became that I would lose. That was my fate and I had accepted it. Sometimes I thought…" His voice locked up and he shook his head sharply, taking a shaky breath. "But now you tell me that I can live essentially free, and I see how Gadreel lives and… I  _want_ that."

Cas looked up suddenly, as though startled by his own admission. Crickets were starting to sing and a few fireflies were flitting around them, their lights flaring brightly in the gathering gloom before fading away, and suddenly Dean couldn't breathe. He remembered sitting outside of an abandoned barn on a night very similar to this, kissing soft lips and making childish promises.

"Dean?" Cas asked and he forced himself to take a breath and then another as Castiel watched him curiously.

"That's good, Cas," he said finally. "You  _should_ want that." Dean shoved the old memories aside and remembered Cas' admission that he wanted to die. "You deserve to live."

Cas gave an ugly snort at that, his wings suddenly flaring, cotton fluff flicking off the edges. "No, I don't."

"Cas," Dean started but Cas' gaze turned hard.

"I killed in order to keep myself alive. I was too weak to lose on purpose, too afraid to face death. I don't deserve anything," he hissed, his voice angry.

"No, Cas. No," Dean said softly, pushing his food away so he could lean forward. "You deserve to live and you deserved to be saved."

Castiel's wings quivered as he lowered them. "Sixty three," he said after a long pause. "That's how many angels I'd killed before I lost track. The number of humans is slightly smaller, and that's only what I can remember. How…" His breath hitched and he swallowed. "How can that be forgiven?"

"You didn't want to do it, Cas. You were forced. I know that doesn't take away the pain or the guilt, but you deserve for good things to happen."

Cas looked away and scrubbed a hand through his hair before standing. "I would like to go back to my room."

"Okay, sure," Dean said as he rose. "Want me to walk you?"

"No, I know the way."

Cas had already made it several feet away when Dean called after him. "Will I see you for breakfast tomorrow?"

There was a long pause before Cas looked over his shoulder and nodded. He then continued down the hill without another word. Dean sat back down and watched Castiel's retreating form. It was really starting to dawn on him just how out of his depth he was. Of course he knew about the underground fight circuit - you couldn't work in rescue and not have heard stories - but that was the extent of his knowledge. Stories. He'd never dealt with an angel who'd been abused the way Cas had. Dean had looked over his papers last night after he'd dropped Cas off from their little commissary shopping trip and had been floored to see that Cas had been fighting for eleven years. The average lifespan of an angel on the underground circuit was seven. It scared him a little that Cas had survived as long as he had because it meant he must have been savage in the ring. And while Dean didn't believe that kind of ruthlessness was inherent to Cas' nature, eleven years of killing over and over again must groove an indelible mark on your soul. A groove deep enough to crack it.

Dean allowed himself to wonder for the first time if Cas might be beyond saving. It was painful, but he forced himself to look at it face on. Cas was talking to him and obviously making an effort, but could they trust that he would never, over the course of the rest of his life, lose his temper, hurt someone? At this point, Dean wasn't willing to bet that was the case, but the thought of having him  _put down_ like a rabid dog was utterly unthinkable, even when he weighed it against what would happen to Harvelle's. And that scared Dean most of all. That he was willing to risk this entire rescue operation for one angel. An angel he'd known for only five weeks. Dean braced his elbows against his knees and dropped his head into his hands, rubbing his temples roughly. This was so far above his pay grade.

He snorted at that. Ellen paid him, but he didn't do this job for the paycheck, he did it because…. He shook his head sharply. He wasn't going to think about her right now. He'd never gotten over what happened when he was fourteen and he was in enough turmoil  _now_. He didn't need to add the turmoil of his past into the mix, too, even if his involvement with Castiel had brought up painful memories. He needed to stow his memories and he needed to stow his misgivings about Cas. What he needed to do was give the angel everything he had so Cas had a safe harbor to retreat to as he tried to fit himself back into normal life. As normal as life got for an angel who would always be owned.

Dean roughly brushed his fingers through his hair and started gathering the discarded remains of their meal. He was honestly at a loss as to how he should proceed. Castiel's pain and guilt were obviously enormous. So enormous that they might threaten his recovery. Usually Dean would proceed as usual and hope that his skills were up to the task, flying by the seat of his pants when something sprang up. He was  _good_ at flying by the seat of his pants. He might have even said he was at his  _best_ when making it up as he went along. Hell, he'd been working here for seven years and was, Ellen said, one of the best counselors she'd ever seen. He was a natural. Because he went with his gut when situations arose. But doing that with Cas? That didn't sit right. Dean's gut was telling him not to go with his gut, which presented an interesting curl in the metaphysics of trusting one's gut in the first place. Maybe Dean would talk it over with Ash one night over a game of pool and a beer or six, but right now he was going to heed his gut and  _ignore_ his normal gut reaction. With Castiel, he needed a plan and he needed one fast. He also needed to talk to Pamela and get her to work her magic sooner rather than later.

Feeling glad at having at least a little bit of a direction, Dean shoved everything back into the bag he'd brought it in and headed down the hill. He was going to make this work and he was going to see Cas out of here and living a new life. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo sorry this is late, gang!!! 1. Work is INSANE, 2. Other work has a big event coming up, 3. This chapter fought me tooth and nail. But it's almost 5k words! It's a little awkward in places and for that I'm sorry. I'm also sorry in general for what happens. Don't hate me.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who's been commenting and kudo-ing! They give me life! :)

"Mmrph!" was Sam's emphatic statement when Dean went in to wake him the next morning. It was five am and still dark out. Because if Dean needed to be to the rescue at six-thirty for breakfast prep, Sam had to suffer with him, even though he didn't have to be to be to school until seven thirty.

While Sam roused himself, Dean ran through the shower and then headed to the kitchen to start on breakfast. By the time Sam dragged himself into the kitchen, rumpled and bleary eyed, it was already five thirty.

"I put extra cheese in your eggs," Dean said as he set the plate down on the table.

"You're too chipper," Sam groused as he grudgingly tucked himself into a seat at their tiny breakfast table.

Dean tousled his hair and Sam smacked his hand away. "You'd hate me if I got you up later and you had to scramble."

Sam just grunted and shoveled eggs into his face. Dean noticed that his hair was hanging into his eyes and made a mental note to schedule a haircut for the kid. He also needed to get his shit together and organize a party for his impending graduation. It still kind of surprised him every time he remembered that Sam was graduating from high school in just over a month and then, just a couple of months after that, he was leaving for college. Dean had studiously avoided thinking about it too much. It had just been him and Sam for three years, since their dad had died. It still hurt to think about.

"Hey," he said suddenly. "I've got Sunday off. Want to head over to Grand Island and catch a movie or something?"

"Really?" Sam asked, looking excited and awake for the first time that morning. "I thought you'd want to stay around and work with Castiel."

Dean felt a stab of guilt at that. He'd been spending more time than usual at Harvelle's, trying to draw Cas out of his shell, so Sam had been a little neglected. "I'll tell him what's up, set him up with some movies or books or something. Maybe I can even persuade him to hang out in the common room." His brow furrowed as he remembered about the armed guard. He didn't want to agitate any of the other angels by having someone with a tranq gun in their space. He sighed, deciding to think about it later. "So, whaddya say?"

"Yeah, definitely! Can we hit the Barnes and Noble, too?"

Dean groaned and rolled his eyes. Any trip to a bookstore with Sam was an epic three hour endeavor. "Only if we go to Bartley's for dinner."

Now it was Sam's turn to groan. Bartley's was practically Dean's holy shrine - a menu of nothing but burgers, french fries and onion rings. The only lettuce to be had was on a beef patty. "Yeah fine."

Dean pumped his fist in victory and then slapped Sam on the shoulder. "Go get showered. We're leaving in twenty."

Sam scraped the last of his eggs into his mouth and then shoved two pieces of bacon in right after, chewing it all with a big grin. "Be right back."

"And you say I'm the one with bad table manners!" Dean shouted after him, but Sam had already rounded the corner. Dean gathered their plates and started to clean up from breakfast. His mind wandered as he washed the dishes, thinking about Sam and Cas and what he would do when it was just him in the tiny apartment. If he was honest with himself, he was terrified about Sam leaving, of being alone. Intellectually, he knew that Sam was just going to be just a couple states away in Illinois, but Dean's heart was telling him that the last of his family was leaving him. He knew it wasn't true, but that didn't stop the curl of panic that tightened itself around his heart every time he thought about it.

"It's college," he reminded himself outloud and shut off the water. "He'll come home for vacation and the holidays." A traitorous part of his mind told him that Sam would make friends, find a girl, forget about him, and he tried not to listen to it. He distracted himself with singing Travelling Riverside Blues while he dried the dishes and turned his mind deliberately toward the day ahead. He was hoping to finally get Cas outside and doing something productive and praying that nothing would derail them again. He was also hoping to sweet talk Bobby into taking Gadreel's shift again so they could eat in the caf. Maybe they could even finish the meal this time. He chuckled to himself just as Sam walked in.

"What's funny?" he asked and Dean shook his head.

"Nothing, really. Ready to go?"

"Yup." Sam grabbed his backpack off the floor and followed Dean out to the Impala. "So," Sam started when they were on the road. "I've got a shift tonight at Harvelle's. Maybe you could introduce me to Castiel."

Dean smiled at that, the thought of Cas and his brother meeting officially pleasing him for some reason. "Yeah, I'll ask him. Maybe we could teach him to play cards after dinner or something."

"Cool." Sam was silent for a moment and then said, "I'd like to meet the guy taking up so much of your time."

Dean whipped his head around to look at his brother. "What?"

Sam smiled and shrugged. "You're pretty focused on him is all I'm saying."

"Well, yeah," Dean stammered, turning his attention back to the road. "It's kinda my job."

"Uh huh. That's why you're there practically all day and night and why you stare into space when you're home."

"I don't stare into space," Dean groused and Sam just laughed.

"You're totally preoccupied, dude. It's happened a little before, but not like with Castiel."

"Yeah, well, he's a tough case." Dean could feel the heat rising in his cheeks and tried to will it away. "And I like him and I want to make sure he gets out of here and has a life."

"Maybe he can move in with us," Sam said, obviously teasing now and Dean scowled.

"I will stop this car and make you walk the rest of the way."

Sam, the bastard, just laughed and started singing, "Dean and Castiel sitting in a tree…"

Dean pulled the car over abruptly and put it into park before turning to Sam. "Okay, listen," he said angrily. "It's fine to rag on me like this, but you absolutely cannot pull any of this shit when you meet Cas, alright?"

Sam looked taken aback by Dean's reaction but nodded slowly. "Yeah, okay."

"It's… he's had a hard life. Beyond hard, and some of the things that have happened to him…" Dean shook his head. "We just gotta be gentle with him, okay?"

"Yeah, I get it." Dean didn't like the considering way Sam was looking at him, so he turned back forward and pulled back out into traffic. 

Sam giving him grief wasn't anything unusual. Dean's eyes lingered anywhere for five seconds too long and Sam was planning the wedding, teasing Dean mercilessly. Dean took it in stride because, hey, he gave as good as he got. The kid's hair had only really just recently recovered from the Nair prank. So Sam ragging on him shouldn't have bothered him because it was par for the course, but for the first time, Dean was afraid that Sam would say something in front of the person he was teasing him about. Dean had never warned Sam off before because he'd never cared. Sam would joke and Dean would roll his eyes or he and his "betrothed" would play along. But the thought of putting Cas in a situation like that, of forcing him to be the object of Dean's affections for entertainment made him _angry_. But still, he felt kind of bad for biting Sammy's head off.

"Look," he said after they'd ridden for a while in silence. "There are some things that aren't my place to tell, but he got hurt bad, and I'm just afraid that you teasing him about me having a crush on him will mess with him."

"I understand, Dean. You don't have to explain. I don't want to cause him any more pain." Dean looked over at his little brother, floored by how mature he could be when he wanted to. But then Sam ruined it by saying, "So you _do_ have a crush on him."

Dean's eyes narrowed in warning before turning back to the road. "Watch it, bitch."

"Whatever, jerk."

They made the rest of the trip in a companionable silence. Dean dropped Sam off at school and then headed to the rescue. Like usual, he stopped in to see Castiel first and then headed down to the kitchen to help prepare breakfast. Bobby and Gadreel agreed to the switch up again and Jo joined them again, along with Hael. It made Dean a little uncomfortable the way she stared at Cas, leaning in to hear every word, but Castiel either didn't notice or wasn't bothered by it, so Dean let it go. By the time the meal wrapped up and they were depositing their trays on the carts, Dean was doing an internal victory dance. They had made it a full hour outside Cas' room without an incident. Now Dean was crossing all his crossables that they could make this kind of progress more steadily.

"Hey, Bobby," Dean greeted when they met in the yard outside the main dorm.

"Dean, Castiel," Bobby returned. Cas still always seemed a little surprised when people included him or asked his opinion, but he nodded a hello. "You boys still planning on working on the north fence?"

"Yeah. You still up for that Cas?"

Again, that slightly startled look crossed his feature. "Yes, repairing the north fence will be fine."

Bobby laughed. "You ain't seen the shape it's in. I'll grab the pickup and pull it around to the shed."

"Thanks, Bobby," he said and then gestured for Cas to follow him.

"The north fence seems to cause a great deal of stress," Cas observed and Dean couldn't help but laugh.

"That's because everyone here but me, and now you, is a lazy fuck," he exclaimed. "We had a bit of a situation in the fall," Dean started and Castiel lifted his eyebrows for Dean to continue. "We needed to bring in some of the big round hay bales. The guy who went out with the tractor… I don't even really know how it happened, but he kinda ran down a good chunk of the fence."

"Have the chickens not all escaped already?" Cas asked and Dean laughed again.

"Oh, I was kidding about that. The chickens're all safe in their coop. I just like giving Gadreel a hard time because he could polish off a dozen eggs all by himself, easy." They reached the shed and he hauled open the door. The smell of lumber and machinery wafted out. "We're just going to be standing the posts today, so…" Dean walked into the shed, looking around until he found what he wanted. "We need this concrete. Grab that pallet jack. The yellow thing," he said when Cas looked around blankly.

Castiel rolled the pallet jack over to where Dean was currently stacking boxes of garbage bags that had fallen over. Cas crouched to help and Dean shot him a smile.

"Maybe after we finish the fence, we can get in here and organize. It's a freaking mess." They finished clearing the aisle of fallen boxes and Dean showed Cas how to use the jack and told him to take the pallet of concrete out front. While Cas did that, Dean found the posts and pulled a couple out so he could haul them onto his shoulder, but he miscalculated the center of gravity. The weight of the posts threw him forward and he tripped on an extension cord that was lying on the floor. He was braced for taking a painful header, but suddenly Cas was in front of him, stopping his fall with a hand against his shoulder and the other under the posts to balance the weight. Dean blinked at him, surprised.

"Thanks," he said and was elated to see the corner of Cas' mouth turn up in a smile.

"You appeared to need help."

"Yeah. If it wasn't for you I would have appeared to be breaking my face on the floor.

Castiel's smile deepened slightly. "That would have been a drastic way to get out of repairing the fence."

"Tell me about it." Cas' hand was still on his shoulder, the warmth seeping into his skin. "Thanks again."

"You're welcome." He dropped his hand from Dean's shoulder, but kept the other one braced under the posts. "Maybe we should carry these together."

"Probably," Dean said with a smile. Cas nodded and turned to take the posts onto his shoulder. Dean shifted farther back and they carried them out to the front of the shed. Bobby had just pulled up with the truck and opened the liftgate so they could put the posts in. He then proceeded to lean against the truck and watch as they loaded the rest.

"You could help, you know," Dean complained after the fourth trip.

"Could," Bobby responded blithely. "Not gonna."

Dean turned to Cas. "What'd I tell you? Lazy fucks!"

"Bobby's purpose here is to guard me, not assist with the work," Cas said and Dean gaped at him while Bobby laughed.

"Yeah, you're real dangerous right now what with saving me from falling and carrying things."

Cas got that perplexed look on his face, like he didn't understand why Dean was being obtuse. "Just because I'm not currently…" he started, but Dean waved him off.

"Yeah, I know, I know. Come on, two more and then we've gotta load up the concrete and water."

"Don't forget the auger," Bobby supplied helpfully and Dean scowled at him.

"I'm not forgetting the auger," he snapped and Bobby chuckled.

"Tomorrow I think I might bring some lemonade and a lawn chair."

"Oh, you're hilarious," Dean said over his shoulder as he and Cas headed back into the shed. "He's hilarious, right?"

Cas looked confused again for a second before his brow smoothed out. "I find him quite funny, yes."

Dean just stared at Cas before smiling wryly. "Traitor," he said and was rewarded with another small smile.

"Give it up, boy!" Bobby jeered from his place by the truck. "Castiel, I'll bring you some lemonade tomorrow."

"Perhaps a lawn chair, too," he suggested as he and Dean slid the last two posts into the bed and Dean groaned.

"Great, now I'm dealing with two comedians."

They continued to load the truck, chatting occasionally, and Dean felt like he was walking on air. Castiel was _smiling_ and _joking_. He hadn't dared hope for that so soon. And Bobby wasn't even holding the tranq gun, it was leaning against the truck, out of sight and it was easy to forget he was there to guard Cas. It was easy to forget that Cas needed guarding. There was an ease in his body that Dean hadn't seen before and he was pleased that his decision to do a job that required heavy lifting seemed to be helping.

When the truck was fully loaded, Dean jumped in the back. "Me 'n Cas'll ride back here."

He looked expectantly at Cas who nodded and climbed up after him.

"Don't fall out," Bobby said as he got in the cab. "I don't feel like makin' any trips to the hospital today."

Dean rolled his eyes. "He's such a grandpa."

"I heard that!"

"Good!" Dean returned. "You were supposed to!"

They got moving and Cas turned his face into the wind and closed his eyes. Dean watched him with a soft smile, happy to see the angel enjoying something. His eyes traced Cas' features, the long line of his neck, the broad span of his shoulders. Cas was, Dean thought, absolutely beautiful. He looked away at that, because he shouldn't be thinking things like that about Cas. He was here to help the angel, not mack on him, but it was impossible to look at him and not appreciate his beauty. But even beyond that there was an energy he put out, something strong and steady, that, even at his most hostile, drew Dean to him. And Dean was helpless to resist it. That happened to him from time to time. He would meet someone and he would fall into their orbit effortlessly. Anna had been like that, the first time he'd ever felt it. He shook his head. He was thinking about her too much, lately, and it hurt, made him wonder where she was, if she was okay.

Movement caught his eye and he looked up to see that Cas had spread his wings to catch the air. Dean looked on in wonder, because, even in the poor shape they were in, they were beautiful, just like the rest of him. The feathers were inky black, shot through in places with white. With them spread like they were, not confined by a room, Dean was able to see that Cas' wingspan was probably about twelve feet. Cas was smiling softly as the wind tugged at his feathers and his hands gripped the side of the bed more tightly as a bigger gust of air hit them.

"Think you've got enough lift?" Dean asked and Cas' face fell.

He drew his wings shut, his shoulders going tense as he looked down at his feet. "No."

_Shit_. "I'm sorry," he said, stricken that he'd knocked the smile off Cas' face, taken away whatever happiness he was feeling. Cas didn't respond or look at him and Dean kicked himself. He wondered if he should say something, try to fix what he'd just messed up, but he decided against it. He'd likely just say the wrong thing again, dig the hole deeper, so he stayed silent. 

Bobby noticed the mood shift as they began unloading the truck in silence. He raised his eyebrows at Dean but Dean just shook his head. He felt like such a dumbass. Of course that was a stupid thing to say, why would he draw attention to one of the most battered parts of Cas' body?

He stopped short, bag of concrete mix over his shoulder. He'd said it, he realized, because in the moment, Cas hadn't looked battered. Yeah, he was still missing feathers, but as Dean had watched him play with the air, Dean had seen him as whole. 

He was kind of astounded by this revelation so he just stood there, turning it over and over in his head, what it meant. Cas passed him with another bag of concrete, glancing at him but saying nothing. Dean watched him, the unhappy line of his shoulders and wings. Affection swelled unexpectedly in his chest and took his breath away. 

Cas was on his way back to the truck and Dean was still standing there like an idiot. Cas gave him a strange look. 

"Is there something wrong?"

"No," he squeaked like he'd been goosed. "Nothing's wrong, just wool gathering."

Dean started moving again and stacked his bag with the rest. The truck finally unloaded, he started showing Cas how to build a fence, explaining each step, what they were doing and why. Dean let Cas used the auger to dig the holes as Dean scraped the dirt away with a shovel.

"My hands are going numb," Cas said as they started on the third hole and Dean smiled.

"The vibration will do that. Wanna switch?"

Cas considered it briefly but then shook his head no, so they continued working. By the time they broke for lunch, the sadness seemed to have left him for the most part and he was relaxed again. When they got back to the main building, Dean mentally high fived himself when Bobby left the tranq gun in the truck, and then did it again when Cas took two sandwiches without hesitation.

They drove back out to the fence immediately after lunch and spent the rest of the day finishing the holes and setting the posts in place.

"Not a bad day's work, boys," Bobby said when they'd finished pouring concrete around the last post.

"No thanks to you," Dean said, but his tone was teasing.

"Supervision's a hard job, more suited to a man of my station."

"Uh huh." Dean looked at his watch. "Perfect, we've got time to get back and showered before I've gotta help Benny with dinner prep."

Dean and Cas got in the bed for the ride back and Dean noticed Cas spreading his wings a little bit to catch the air. When Cas caught his eye, Dean smiled at him and Cas looked down, embarrassed, but he didn't pull his wings back in. A little while later, Dean was elbow deep in a giant bowl of ground beef for the meatloaf they were making for dinner.

"You plan on missing lunch prep from now on?"

"Uh," Dean offered intelligently and Benny smiled.

"Don't trouble yourself, brother. In fact, all you do for lunch is toss a little salad and get chips from the pantry. I think I'll survive without you."

Dean looked at Benny, his arms still awkwardly submerged in a bowl of meat. "Are you sure? I mean, it won't be forever, and I feel bad for ditching you…"

"Nah." Benny shot him a sly smile. "All you really do is get in my way."

Dean snorted and got back to mixing. Once he and Benny had everything in the ovens and the kitchen cleaned, Dean headed to Cas' room. He figured he'd show him the rec room before dinner.

When Cas answered the door, he was mussed and rubbing his eyes.

"Wore you out, huh?" Dean and Castiel nodded.

"After a month of doing nothing, today was very tiring." Cas listlessly ran a hand through his hair, seemingly in an effort to tame it, but it still stuck up everywhere.

"I was going to show you the rec room before dinner, but if you'd rather rest…"

Castiel interrupted, "No. I would like to see the rec room." 

Dean led the way to the hangout space on the first floor and greeted a few angels currently lounging around, introduced them to Cas. Cas acknowledged everyone, but he seemed on edge, so Dean steered clear of further introductions and pointed out the stack of board games, the tv and the dvd collection, and then finally the little library tucked into a corner. Cas ran his fingers over the spines, looking a little sad.

"Feel free to take anything you want," Dean said. "This room's never locked, so you can come down here whenever."

"And my guard?" he asked.

Dean shook his head. "After today I don't think it's going to be a problem."

Cas looked surprised. "Really?"

"It's a hunch. Hey, if you like mysteries…" He scanned the shelves and then plucked a book out. "This one's really good." He handed the book to Castiel who just stared at it. "Or if you're not into mysteries, there are some good sci-fi." He was about to reach for another book, but noticed how tightly Cas was gripping the book in his hands. "What's wrong?"

Cas looked up at him, an unreadable expression on his face, and then back down at the book. "I… I don't know how to read."

_Oh. Oh god_ , Dean thought. Of course an angel with an owner as cruel as Castiel's wouldn't have seen to any education. Skill in the ring was the only thing that mattered. "It's not a big deal." Dean was trying to sound nonchalant, but to his own ears he sounded about as far from it as one could get. "I can teach you."

Cas stared at the book for a moment longer before he sighed and seemed to wilt. He shook his head and handed the book back to Dean. "No, there's no point."

"Cas…"

"I'm going back to my room," Cas said, turning away.

Dean sidestepped to stay with him. "What about dinner?"

"I'm not hungry. I just want to sleep."

"But you should really eat something," Dean said, desperate just to keep Cas talking so he could find out what was wrong.

"Dean, please."

"Talk to me, man," Dean persisted. "What's wrong?"

Cas turned suddenly and put a hand on Dean's chest and used it to shove him, hard, against a bookshelf. Several books toppled to the floor from the impact. Cas' face was a mask of rage as he pressed Dean against the shelves, and Dean couldn't breathe.

"Cas," he wheezed. "You're hurting me."

Castiel's expression shifted immediately to one of horror and he dropped his hand and stepped back, gasping, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Dean."

Dean was aware that everyone in the room was watching them, so he put on his best smile and said, "Everything's fine! Just, y'know, go back to doing whatever you were doing! We're... we're all good!" He turned back to Cas and said softly, "Let's get out of here."

Cas followed him mutely from the room and out into the chilly May evening. Dean stalked a good way away from the dorm before rounding on Cas. "What the fuck was that?"

"You are not my friend!" Castiel shouted loud enough that it reverberated off the buildings.

"Oh, fuck you I'm not," Dean shouted back. "I'm the only fucking friend you've got right now!"

"I don't want you," Cas shouted, and then, in a broken whisper he repeated, "I don't want you. I don't want this, I don't…"

Cas turned away and Dean heard him release a ragged exhale. Dean stared at his back, the way his wings were drooped so low that the tips crossed. Dean scrubbed his hands through his hair and sighed. He'd sort of sketched the outlines of a plan last night, but it was a long way from complete. That meant he either needed to just extract himself right now - which wasn't a fucking option - or do what he did best.

He took a few long strides to where Cas was standing. "You can do or say whatever you want, Cas, but I'm not giving up on you."

Cas covered his face with his hands at that and sobbed, just once, and Dean's heart broke.

"Cas," he breathed, wanting nothing more than to take away all his pain.

Cas choked down a sob and took a deep breath, still hiding behind his hands. Dean waited and Cas took another deep breath before shifting his hands to rub his eyes. "I'm tired. I'm _tired_."

Dean knew he meant a lot more than being physically exhausted. "Let's sit down. Talk."

"No," Cas shook his head. "No."

Dean took a deep breath. "Listen, I know you don't want to. Cas, I get that this is hard for you, I really do, but… It'll help."

Cas finally dropped his hands. "Nothing will help."

"What happened? You seemed to be doing okay today," Dean prodded and saw the muscles in Cas' jaw tense.

"I was. I…" His face tightened, like he was holding back tears. "I had _fun_. I felt _happy_ ," he spat after a moment.

"That's good, Cas. Those are good things."

Cas shook his head, finally losing his battle to hold back the tears. "I shouldn't… I shouldn't feel that. I shouldn't _get_ to feel that. I've done such terrible things." He couldn't talk through the tears any more and turned away from Dean, trying to choke down the sobs.

As he watched him, Dean wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around the angel and hold him and tell him it would be okay, but all he could do was stand there and witness Cas' pain and guilt. He felt so fucking useless.

"It'll get better, Cas. I promise."

"I don't want it to get better," he said rounding on Dean. His face was red and wet from crying. "I don't want to become comfortable with what I've done. The only way I can atone is to remember." He rubbed roughly at his eyes. "I'm going to my room. I'll see you in the morning."

Dean said nothing as he watched Cas go.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone wondering about the salad comment, yes, I included it on purpose, no there's no meaning behind it other than I am a ridiculous person and couldn't help myself! For those wondering what the hell I'm talking about, [here you go.](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Toss+The+Salad) The first definition.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seem to have drifted to a Thursday posting schedule, which I want to get off of! So, here you have a short chapter and I will post another one on Tuesday. Can I also just mention that the text editor has started adding spaces in front of and after italicized words and fixing them all is making me batty!
> 
> Also, I'm really sorry.

Dean was distracted for the rest of the night. When he met up with Sam, who was excited to meet Cas, he hardly remembered what he said to his brother to explain that they wouldn't be meeting that night.

Later, when Dean was in bed, he stared up at the ceiling for a long time. He knew Cas felt guilty for being alive, for surviving, but he didn't know what to do about it. He needed to talk to Pam and get her to talk to Cas. He finally drifted off to sleep, no closer to knowing what to do than he was when he laid down.

The next morning, Cas joined him for breakfast, but was silent, refusing to interact with him at all. Dean was more hurt by the snub than he wanted to admit even though he knew it wasn't about him. He tried to put his hurt aside and cajole the angel into talking to him, but the longer Cas gave him the silent treatment, the more dejected he felt. He couldn't even muster the energy to celebrate when Bobby left the tranq gun behind and helped them work on the fence instead of guarding Cas. For his part, the angel took whatever instructions were given, but all the ease of yesterday was gone. Dean felt like he could cry.

They finished the fence just as the sun was setting and a cold north wind was blowing across the plain. Cas shivered and rolled the sleeves of his shirt back down.

"Should've brought a jacket," Dean commented needlessly, frustrated at everything, and Cas looked over at him.

"I don't have one. I didn't take one from the commissary." He crossed his arms over his chest and looked away from Dean.

"We can get you one when we get back," he said, trying to bite back his irritation.

Cas' arms tightened where they were crossed over his chest. "That's not necessary," he said stiffly and Dean made a frustrated noise.

"So, what?" he snapped. "You're going to freeze yourself to death and not allow yourself to have any friends as some sort of punishment? Hurt yourself for no good goddamn reason?"

Cas closed his eyes, his brow furrowed. "You know my reasons."

Dean wanted to shake him, and before he could stop himself, he said, "Well guess what? It's not going to change anything that happened. You're just going to be miserable and they'll all still be dead."

Cas flinched like he'd been hit, his wings snapping open.

"Dean?" Bobby called from where'd he'd been leaning against the truck, waiting for them to finish their conversation, but Dean didn't acknowledge him. He was too busy processing what'd he'd just said, the look of utter _devastation_ on Cas' face. He reached for Cas on instinct, but the angel jerked away from him.

"Yes," he hissed. "They will all still be dead because I murdered them."

"Cas, shit, that's not…" Cas turned away from him, drawing his wings tight to his back as he stalked away. "I'm sorry," Dean said helplessly, following after him. "That was a dick thing to say and it's not…"

"Leave me alone, Dean."

"Cas, please." He realized suddenly that he could be pushing Cas into another display of aggression, like last night, only this time Bobby would be there to see it, so he stopped. "Cas," he tried again, but the angel didn't hesitate. "Where are you going?"

"My room," he shot over his shoulder and Dean stood there helplessly as he watched him go, guilt churning in his gut.

"What the hell just happened?" Bobby asked as he stepped up next to Dean.

Dean shook his head. "I'm a fucking asshole. God _dammit_! What the fuck is wrong with me?"

"What'd you do?"

Dean sketched out his conversation with Cas and sighed. "I went for the thing in him that hurts the worst and I twisted. Because I was _frustrated_." Dean ran his hands through his hair, mind running a million miles an hour.

"Can I give you a piece of advice, son?"

"What?" Dean snapped, voice high and tight.

"You've gotta unwind this knot you've gotten yourself into. You're more wound up over this angel than I've ever seen you, and I've seen you pretty damn wound up."

Dean found this piece of advice less than helpful. "What the hell's that supposed to mean?"

"Means you've gotta calm down, is what it means. You're feelin' all butthurt that he's not smilin' at you or laughin' at your jokes today. You know better'n anyone here what he's gone through, but you've got yourself so on edge that you popped your top, like you always do when you get like this. Some people, some angels can take it. That angel?" Bobby said, pointing after Cas. "He cannot handle it. You were so angry and discouraged that he was hurtin' himself, that you went and hurt him worse."

Dean cringed, because it was true. He was overanxious about Cas' recovery and he'd let that drive him into saying exactly the wrong thing. A _cruel_ thing, which was utterly unacceptable.

"You gonna cool it?" Bobby asked when Dean remained silent and he nodded. Bobby clapped him on the shoulder. "He's doin' good, boy. Better'n I ever thought he would. You're the one who sat in that room with him for a month, got him out of his restraints, got him talkin'. You'll find a way to move on from this."

Dean swiped a hand over his mouth. "I hope so."

:::::::

Back at the dorm, Dean showered and changed, and then headed to Pamela's offices. She was in the playroom she used with the younger angels, tidying up, and Dean knocked on the open door.

She looked up, a warm smile spreading across her face when she saw him. "Well, hello, handsome. Haven't seen you down here for a while."

Dean smiled, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. He never quite knew what to do with Pam's blatant sexual interest in him. She was hot but he was one hundred percent sure that she would eat him alive. "Hey Pamela. Got a minute?"

"For you? Always. Come into my office," she said and swatted him on the ass as she passed by. Dean rubbed a hand over the spot and followed her. She sat in one of the plush chairs and motioned for Dean to sit wherever he liked. "So, handsome, what's on your mind?"

"I'm gonna guess you're familiar with Castiel," he started.

Pam nodded. "Of course. I get files on all the new rescues. He was marked as feral."

Dean bobbed his head from side to side. "He wasn't too personable when he got here, but he's come a long way. I got Ellen to agree to remove his bindings. Since then, I've gotten him out of his room, shown him around. He helped me rebuild the north fence."

"That the one Cole ran down last fall?" Dean laughed and nodded. "Alright, so, he's not feral. Why hasn't Ellen notified me?"

"It's, uh… It's happened kinda fast. Like, within the last week."

Pamela threw back her head and laughed. "Oh, Dean, why am I not surprised this Castiel is yours!"

"He's not mine," he snapped and Pam fixed her gaze on him, mirth still twinkling in her eyes.

"He's your rehabilitation client is all I meant, sugar." She stood and went to a filing cabinet in the corner. A moment later she came back with a file folder. "Alright, I'm assuming you want me to bring Castiel in, start his counseling."

"Yeah. Yeah, definitely." Dean rubbed the back of his neck again. "I, uh… I did something stupid today."

Looking up at him, Pam sobered. "What happened?"

Dean stammered through a recounting of his earlier conversation with Cas, flushed with embarrassment when he was done. When he looked up at Pamela, she was regarding him cooly, tapping her pen against Cas' file.

"What were you hoping to accomplish, saying that to him?"

Dean looked down at where his hands were gripping his thighs tightly. "I don't know."

"You seem upset," Pam prompted and Dean's fingers clenched more tightly.

"Yeah, of course. I hurt him. I never wanted to do that."

She shifted, leaning forward, drawing Dean's eyes to her. "So, you didn't want to hurt him. What did you want?"

"I want him to _not hurt_." Pamela was silent and Dean looked away. "I was mad that he's punishing himself, that he won't let himself feel anything good."

"Do you think reminding him of the lives he's ended was the best way to get him to stop?"

The words were barely out of her mouth before Dean was out of his seat, pacing across the floor. "Fuck you, Pam. Alright? Fuck you."

She sounded infuriatingly calm when she asked, "Why are you angry?"

"Because you're making it sound like I fucking did it on purpose. Like I wanted to remind him of the worst thing he's done."

Pamela sat back in her seat and watched Dean pace. "Didn't you?"

Dean rounded on her, livid. "No! Christ, what kind of fucking monster do you think I am? The pain in his face when I said it…" Dean had to turn away because suddenly there were tears welling in his eyes. " _Fuck_."

Pam gave him a moment to gather his emotions together and then asked again, "Why did you think reminding him of the lives he's ended was a good idea?"

"I didn't! I didn't think, it just popped out and I wished I could take it back. He was just so, so _numb_ and I wanted to get a reaction out of him and some twisted part of me went for the meanest thing I could say." The tears had spilled down his cheeks now and he rubbed them away roughly. "God, I feel so bad for hurting him."

"We've talked about your tendency to lose your temper, spout off, and you've been better. Much better. What made you lose it today?"

"Bobby thinks I'm too invested," he offered, finally turning and taking his seat again.

"Are you?" Pam prompted and Dean sighed.

" _Too_? No, but I am seriously invested in getting him out of here. He gets me worked up like I haven't been in a while."

"Alright," Pam said, making a note. "You need to keep that in mind in your further interactions with him."

Dean snorted unhappily. "If we have any."

"That's up to Castiel."

Dean nodded and took a deep breath, considering. "Hey, Pam…" He licked his lips, nervous. "You can… you can tell him anything about me you want, if you think it'll help."

"You mean Anna?" Dean nodded and Pam sighed. "That's not my story to tell, Dean."

"I know, but… but if you think him knowing would help or something…"

"You want me to tell him what happened to make him feel sorry for you? Or forgive you more easily?" Dean wrinkled his nose and she chuckled. "That's what I thought. That's your tale to tell. Meanwhile, I'm going up to talk to him now, see how he's doing."

"Yeah, good." He looked at his watch. "I'm late for dinner prep."

He brooded his way through the next few hours, asking himself over and over why he would say something so cruel to Cas and berating himself for his idiocy. He worked the line during dinner service, holding his breath to see if Cas would come down. He did, side by side with Pamela, but wouldn't meet Dean's eye as he passed through the line. When Dean looked at Pam she gave him an apologetic little shrug. When he was done serving, he helped Benny clean up and then went home, too dejected to eat.

The next morning, Cas wasn't in his room when Dean went by. When he got down to the cafeteria, he saw him sitting at a table with Kevin, Hannah, and Gabriel. Gabriel was in the process of animatedly telling a story and he wondered how well the reserved Cas would get along with the extremely gregarious Gabriel. He ached to go join them, but he stayed away until the meal was over. When Cas was depositing his tray in the racks, Dean approached him.

"Hey, Cas," he said softly and hated how Cas' shoulders tightened.

"Dean." The angel's face was utterly impassive.

"Wondering if you wanted to hit the shed with me, organize it like we talked about."

Cas' jaw clenched. "Am I required to?"

Jesus, that hurt. Dean shook his head. "No, of course not."

"Then I am going to go with Kevin and Gabriel to the barn." With that, he walked away from Dean, leaving him standing there stewing in guilt and hurt.

"What happened?" Kevin asked and Dean shook his head.

"I was an asshole. _Shit_." Dean rubbed his forehead. "Be extra nice to him, okay? He deserves… just, be nice to him."

Kevin gave him a weird look. "Yeah, sure. I'll catch you around."  


And for the third time in less than twenty-four hours, Dean stood helpless while Cas walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey-o! Usually I post this after my workday is over, but insomnia has its ugly claws in me and I've been up since 4 am, so I figured, What the hell! Seeing the hit count go up, maybe getting some kudos or comments, throughout the day will certainly bolster me!
> 
> And, since I've stabbed you all in the heart repeatedly, have some happy feels.

Castiel stringently avoided Dean after that and the days bled into weeks. Dean would see him from afar in the cafeteria and that was essentially it. He learned from Kevin that Cas was still working in the barn, Pamela wouldn't tell him anything about how their counseling sessions were going, and he learned from practically everyone else that Cas was hiding out in his room the rest of the time. A new room, Dean also learned. Cas had been moved into one of the regular rooms and so had his own tv, now. Through Kevin, Dean tried to get the angel to leave his room, tried to get him to hang out in the rec room, but Kevin reported back that all his efforts were rebuffed.

"Why don't you just do it, Dean?" Kevin exploded one day after Dean had been pestering him for half an hour.

Dean shook his head. "He hates me now, he wouldn't want me showing up at his door."

"I don't think he hates you," Kevin started and Dean sighed.

"Right, that's why he hasn't even made eye contact with me for three weeks."

Kevin shrugged. "I can't pretend to know what goes on in his head and he doesn't say a whole lot, but when a bunch of you had that impromptu soccer game the other day? He watched you. And he looked kinda sad. Or sadd _er_ , I guess."

"He did?" The ache of losing Cas' friendship just when he'd been earning it hadn't gone away, but it had faded to the background a little. Kevin's words made it come flaring back to life.

"I think you should talk to him."

Dean bit his lip and looked away. He'd been trying to give Cas space, respect his decision to not interact with him, but it had been so hard. He wanted to apologize, fix what he'd broken. "Yeah maybe."

He spent the next couple of days trying to get into Cas' orbit a little bit, but it was hard when literally the only three places he could be found were the cafeteria, the barn, and his room. He finally invented a reason to go to the barn in the middle of the day and found Cas milking a cow. He watched him for a few moments, taking in the relaxed lines of his body, before clearing his throat.

"Hey, Cas. Kevin around?"

Castiel looked up at him and actually made eye contact. "In the corral," he said shortly and looked back at the pail he was filling.

"Thanks." He found Kevin, told him was just there to see Cas and shot the shit for a minute to make it look legit, and then left. As he passed by on his way out, Cas actually looked up at him again and Dean offered him a small smile that wasn't returned. But at least there had been eye contact.

The next day, after dinner, he marched himself to Cas' room and forced himself to knock. He had to wait a long time for the door to open, and he imagined Cas on the other side, trying to decide if he wanted to. When the door finally opened, Cas just stood there, not greeting him, just staring.

"Hey," Dean said and Cas seemed to bristle.

"What do you want?"

"I just… I wanted to see you. See how you're doing." He was twisting the hem of his shirt in his hand and forced himself to stop.

"I'm fine," Cas said, but didn't offer anything else.

"Kevin told me you've just been hanging out in here by yourself." Cas nodded and Dean licked his lips. "You should get out. It's not good to stay cooped up by yourself too much.

"I'm fine," he said again.

"Why don't you go down to the rec room? Play a game with someone or something?"

"Dean." Cas' voice held a warning but Dean ignored it.

"You need to get out and it'll help with getting you certified." That wasn't exactly true, but he figured it couldn't hurt.

"I don't want to 'get out.'"

"I will come in there and physically drag you out if I have to," Dean said and watched Cas draw up to his full height, shoulders going tight.

"I'd like to see you try."

Dean sighed. "Come on, man, I don't want to fight with you. I want to show you how frigging sorry I am for what I said."

He thought Cas might get even more pissed, slam the door in his face or punch him or something, but he did neither. Instead he sagged against the door and looked incredibly tired.

"You don't have to apologize for telling the truth."

"I have to apologize for being cruel, for hurting you. You didn't deserve that and I'd do anything to take it back."

Cas looked up at him with eyes so full of pain that Dean took a step back. "Think about how bad you feel for what you said. Now think about what I must be feeling for all that I've done." Cas stepped away from the door. "Good night, Dean," he said and closed the door softly.

Dean pressed his hand against the door and closed his eyes, overwhelmed by Cas' anguish. Bobby was right, he needed to calm down. He needed to be an anchor for Cas, a friend, not to pull the rug out from under him. He took a deep breath and stepped away from the door, turned to leave. He wasn't going to push, but he also knew he couldn't just let Cas extract himself from Dean's life. They'd been making progress, becoming friends, and Cas _needed_ that, even if he resisted it. Dean was stupid to have let these weeks pass without trying to talk to the angel, but he also needed to tread carefully.

His mind was churning as he walked out to the Impala to head home, but he felt better than he had these last few weeks. Cas hadn't slammed the door in his face and he could see the beginnings of a way out of this. He was going to be able to fix it.

:::::::

Dean practically chewed his bottom lip off during breakfast prep the next morning. He was going to sit with Cas and what had become his typical table mates this morning and he was nervous about how it would go over. Cas could just get up and walk away or he could be stiff and angry the whole time. Dean couldn't really anticipate what would happen, so he just kept coming up with more and more disastrous scenarios. By the time the crowd was starting to move through the line, Dean was a nervous wreck, but he forced himself out of the kitchen and into the caf. He scanned the crowd quickly but didn't see Cas and so retreated back into the kitchen. He needed Cas to be seated already so he could just casually slip in.

"Forget something?" Benny asked. He was wiping down a counter and looking deeply amused.

"No, I… I was just going to..."

"What's got you so worked up, brother?"

Dean's look turned stricken. "Shit, you're right, I am worked up." He flicked his hands like he could shake off the nervous energy. "I've gotta calm down." He took a couple of deep breaths while Benny looked on quizzically.

"Do I even want to know?"

Dean took one more deep breath and then shook his head. "Just trying to fix something I fucked up."

"Castiel, then."

Dean scowled. "Yeah, Castiel. And part of the reason things got fucked up was because I let myself get too worked up." He flicked his hands again and walked across the kitchen. "I just gotta be cool."

"You can be a smooth motherfucker when you want to," Benny said, and Dean felt a little bolstered, because that was _true_. He could be incredibly smooth. "Course, you can also be a grade A doofus. I've seen you trip over a crack in the sidewalk."

"Oh, thank you, that is so very helpful," Dean sniped, continuing to pace. Because that was _also_ true.

"It'll be alright, Dean. Why don't you go get me the bag of potatoes from the pantry so you're not just pacing and stewing," Benny suggested and Dean nodded. It took some hunting to find them and it was a few minutes later when he set the bag down on the counter.

"What do you need potatoes for?"

"Nothin', just distracting you."

Dean laughed. "Thanks. But now I'm thinking you should make potato salad for lunch."

"That is an excellent suggestion. Now get out there and befriend that angel."

"Alright." He clapped his hands together. "I can do this. No problem. None of the horrible things I've imagined will happen."

"Dean."

"Yeah?"

"Shut up and go."

"Super supportive, Benny. Thanks." But he was smiling and felt a million times calmer than he had five minutes ago.

In the cafeteria, there was no one in line, so Dean scanned the room for Cas. He looked again, because he didn't see him and that was pretty much the worst thing that could have happened. He saw Kevin and Gabriel and Hannah sitting at their usual table, but no sign of Cas.

"Shit," he muttered and turned toward the line to get himself some breakfast. He was utterly crestfallen. Cas may have been avoiding him these last few weeks, but at least he'd been coming to meals and getting a little socializing done, but now he wasn't even doing that. God, could this situation get any fucking worse?

He took a seat at a table by himself and mostly just stabbed at his food. He was about to give up and just toss it when someone put their tray down across from him.

"May I sit here?"

Dean just blinked a couple of times because _thank fucking god_ , it was Cas.

"Yeah," he finally said. "Yeah, of course. Please." He couldn't tear his eyes away as Cas sat and picked up his silverware. "Not sitting with your normal crew this morning?"

Cas looked across the cafeteria at his usual table before looking back at Dean. "They'll be fine without me one morning. You looked sad sitting here by yourself."

"I… oh…" Dean looked down at his plate awkwardly. "I was… I was bummed that you hadn't come down for breakfast."

"I was running late because I was talking to Pamela."

"Pam's good people. She'll help you a lot if you let her." He still hadn't looked up at Cas and had resumed stabbing his food.

"She already has." There was a long pause but Dean still didn't look up. "You sent her to see me after our fight."

"Yeah." Dean meant to say it in a normal tone of voice, but it came out kind of strangled.

"Dean," Cas said, his voice soft. "Please look at me."

He looked up and forced himself to meet Cas' steady gaze. "I forgive you."

"Cas, no," Dean spoke over him. "You don't have to do that. I was an asshole."

"You were, but I do. I can't forgive myself, yet, so I'm starting with you."

That… Dean didn't know what to say to that. Cas had said it easily but the enormity of it hit Dean like a freaking freight train. He swallowed around the lump in his throat. "Okay," he said, his voice tight with emotion. "Okay, thank you."

A tension Dean hadn't even realized was there relaxed from Cas' body as he nodded. "Thank you."

"You know how sorry I am, right? That I hate how much I hurt you?"

"I know. For a long while, I didn't care. That you had…" Cas pressed his lips together and shook his head. "It hurt. And it hurt more so because it came from you." Dean wanted to throw himself into a volcano somewhere because this was confirmation of his very worst fears. "But you were obviously regretful and I owe you a great deal and staying angry at you only cut me off from someone who wants to help me, who took so many chances on me. And I… I missed our time together."

Dean suspected that he had Cas' conversation with Pam this morning to thank for this and he was going to buy that woman a goddamn fruit basket. Because it felt like a weight had been lifted off his chest and he could finally breathe again.

"You didn't have to forgive me, but I am so damn grateful you did. I missed hanging out with you, too." Jesus, he felt like an idiot saying that, but he wanted to make sure Cas knew. And it was worth it when a corner of Cas' mouth pulled up slightly. "So, how's life in the barn?

Cas' smile widened at that. "I enjoy it a great deal. Working with the animals is very satisfying. There's a mare that Kevin says will be foaling soon and he said I could help when it was time."

"That sounds a little too… gooey for me," Dean said with a shudder.

Cas looked down at his plate, a soft sort of look on his face. "I'm looking forward to bringing life into the world."

Dean felt his heart constrict painfully. "I can already tell you're going to be a great uncle. That baby horse has no idea how badly it'll be spoiled," he teased.

"I will definitely be sneaking apples from the kitchen," Cas said, the happy look still on his face.

"I'll tell Benny to up his orders."

They passed the rest of the meal making conversation. It was a little awkward, both of them walking on eggshells, but overall, Dean was ecstatic. Cas was here, sitting with him of his own volition, talking to him. He'd _forgiven_ him. It wasn't perfect - Cas was going to keep to keep working in the barn and not with Dean - but Dean could accept that. Cas really loved working there and Dean couldn't even pretend to try and lure him away from that happiness. So they made plans to meet for lunch and Dean counted himself very fucking lucky.

They fell into a rhythm after that. They would have breakfast together, just the two of them, and then have lunch and dinner as part of a crowd. Dean learned that Gabriel was literally the most annoying fuck on the planet, but that for some reason, Cas really liked him. Sam finally got to meet Cas and they taught him how to play poker. Dean was completely stunned when, after only a few games, Cas hustled them like a pro.

"You're a fucking shithead!" Dean shouted after he'd been wiped out of chips.

"Is the goal of the game not to amass as many chips as possible?" Cas had asked innocently and Dean had spluttered incoherently for a few moments before snorting in disgust and joining Samandriel and Michael on the couch to watch the well worn copy of Ghostbusters while Sam and Cas battled it out for supremacy. Sam finally won, which gave Dean the pleasure of his longest running student winning and he flicked both Sam _and_ Cas' ear in celebration. Right after he'd flicked Cas' ear he realized it was the first time he'd initiated contact between them since he'd cut off Cas' restraints two months ago, and he was kind of sad that their first touch was a gesture of violence. Cas just shot him a look that promised retribution.

Dean's favorite moments, though, had become when he and Cas would sit under the cottonwood on the hill. Sometimes they would just sit and talk, sometimes Dean would teach Cas how to read. Dean was blown away by how smart he was, how quickly he picked it up. He was already reading simple children's books.

One day he trudged up the hill to where Dean was already sitting and flopped onto his stomach, head pillowed on his arms, wings spread lazily over the grass.

"You look beat," Dean said and Cas nodded, not opening his eyes.

"I was up all night."

"Why?" Dean's mind instantly offered a hundred nightmare scenarios.

Cas opened his eyes and pushed himself up onto his elbows. "The foal was born." He smiled hugely, his blue eyes sparkling with joy and for a second, Dean forgot how to breath, forgot everything except how fucking beautiful Cas was.

"That's awesome! Was it gooey?"

Cas laughed. "Yes, quite, but so very worth it." He lowered himself back down to the ground and put his head on his arms. "It was so amazing to watch this little creature be born. To watch her mother take care of her. To watch her take her first wobbly steps." Cas turned his head to rub his face on his arms and Dean realized he was crying. "It was… it was wonderful."

"I'm glad you got to have that," Dean said and Cas hummed softly in agreement. Dean let his eyes wander over Cas' body, his wings. There was downy new growth in several places along the bones that Dean knew was itching like a bitch, mostly because Cas was constantly shuddering his wings in an effort to get a little relief. But mostly, he thought about the incredible progress he'd made. Cas was halfway through his rehabilitation and Dean sometimes had to remind himself that when Cas got here, he was violent and shut off. He still had a long way to go, but Dean was confident they'd get there.

But sitting there under the tree, with a warm June breeze blowing over them, Dean felt content. Cas was relaxed and sleepy beside him and Dean could let all his anxieties go - his fear of Sam's impending move to Illinois, his worry over Cas, his general need to try and be _more_. He could simply sit and enjoy the moment.

As he looked down at Cas, he let himself feel all the tenderness he usually tried to push down. He knew he was letting himself feel more for the angel than he should, that his heart would break when Cas left to start a new life somewhere else, but for now, in this little bubble he let himself feel it all. And in that moment, what he wanted most was to touch Castiel, to feel the warmth of his skin under his fingers, the soft strands of his hair.

Dean was still mindful of Cas' request not to be touched, it was a boundary he was careful to honor, but as Cas had relaxed, so had his aversion to touch. He'd touched Dean occasionally and didn't flinch away if Dean touched him, but Dean had never really touched Cas with _intent_. And he wanted to. God how he wanted to. He wanted to give Cas touches that were filled with caring and pleasure rather than pain. Biting his lip, he reached out and gently pushed back a lock of hair that had fallen over Cas' forehead. Cas opened his eyes and looked up at Dean. Dean drew his hand back quickly.

"Sorry, you had a… a uh, a bug." _Real smooth Dean_ , he thought and braced himself for Cas' reaction. But Cas simply hummed again and closed his eyes.

After a moment, he said, "You can do it again. To keep other bugs away."

"Sure," Dean said. "I can do that." His pulse was pounding in his ears as he reached out again and gently brushed his fingers through Cas' hair. It was cool and soft against his skin and on the next pass, he let the tips of his fingers rub gently against Cas' scalp. Cas hummed again, a happy little smile on his lips, and Dean couldn't believe this was happening. That Cas had invited this touch.

Dean's heart swelled with affection as he continued to run his fingers through Cas' hair. And oh yeah, it was going to hurt like a bitch when he left, but Dean wasn't going to think about that right now. Right now, he was just going to enjoy this.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update for you! Sorry it's late! Woo boy this chapter went through some incarnations. At one point, I deleted 2k words that just weren't working. But once I committed to that, the chapter flowed much better.
> 
> So, there's only a teeny little bit of angst in this chapter (because apparently I'm incapable of doing without! I might have a problem. Call Intervention!) and a whole lot of TOOTH ROTTING FLUFF. There's... well, I'll just let you see. I hope you enjoy!

"No, no! Watch!" Gabriel brandished Dean's cookie dramatically, then, with a deft twist of his hands, the cookie disappeared. A little cheer went up from their crowd but Dean was less than amused.

"Okay, now bring it back," Dean complained.

Gabriel looked down at Jo, grinning and doing ridiculous things with his eyebrows. With another flourish, he brought his hand up, tucked Jo's hair carefully behind her ear, and then drew his hand away with a dramatic, "Ah-ha!" Everyone followed the movement expectantly, Dean more so than anyone, but when Gabriel opened his hand there was nothing there. He looked down at his empty hand and shrugged. "Sorry Deano, I haven't learned that part."

The table erupted into laughter and Sam leaned over to clap Gabriel on the shoulder. "Dude, that was awesome."

"Not awesome," Dean shouted over all of them. "I want my cookie!"

"It's lost to the magical ethers for now, my friend! It may never be conjured again!" Gabriel said, his tawny wings fluffed happily from all of the attention. 

"Lost to the depths of your pockets," Dean grumbled. "Peanut butter chocolate chip, too."

Cas leaned into him, their shoulders pressing together, and slid a cookie across the table. "You can have mine."

"I can't take your cookie." Dean pushed it back toward Cas and Cas slid it right back.

"I'm full."

"Peanut butter's your favorite." He and Cas shared a long look before Cas sighed.

"Okay, we'll split it."

Dean smiled stupidly at Cas, watching him reach to break the cookie in half, before gagging from across the table caught his attention.

"I'm going to eat the cookie I stole just so I can toss it," Gabriel said, holding his stomach.

Next to him, Jo was also making puke faces. "I'll join you."

"Guys, that's not funny," Dean snapped. He didn't want Cas to feel uncomfortable, but when he snuck a glance at him, Cas was looking away, nibbling on the edge of his cookie, a flush creeping up his neck. Dean just stared for a moment, feeling heat rise to his own cheeks. "Both of y'all are dicks," he said, turning back to Jo and Gabe. "And since you admitted to stealing it, give me my cookie back!"

"No way! I've _earned_ that cookie, now."

There was more general complaining, and everyone got distracted by arguing about what movie they were going to watch that night. Dean stared at the side of Cas' face long enough that he finally turned. He looked shy and a little embarrassed, but certainly not unhappy. Dean lifted his half of the cookie a little.

"Thanks for sharing." He could feel the stupid look on his face and knew he was blushing, but he couldn't help it.

Cas smiled and dropped his gaze, his own blush deepening. "You're welcome."

It was so fucking cute and shy and a little coy and none of those were things he associated with Cas and that just made it even more endearing. He brushed his fingers over Cas' forearm before standing.

"Alright, I gotta help Benny with clean-up, so you guys pick the movie."

"Should we wait for you?" Gadreel asked and Dean shook his head.

"Anything you pick I'll have seen a million times. This shouldn't take too long anyhow."

He and Benny made short work of the kitchen, doing the dishes and putting away leftovers before calling it quits. Benny decided to join them for the movie and they crept into the rec room silently, only fifteen minutes into Indiana Jones. Benny slouched into the only remaining bean bag which left Dean to sit somewhere on the floor. He didn't mind, but exactly _where_ was the problem. He wanted to go sit between Cas' legs, feel the warmth of his thighs pressing against his shoulders, but that wasn't an option. That left leaning against some piece of furniture, but every open spot would put him close to someone's legs. He should probably be smart and go sit by Sammy, but Dean was still thinking about Cas' blush and so, with only a moment's hesitation he went and plunked himself on the floor beside Cas' legs. He stared resolutely ahead, wanting to give Cas the option of ignoring him if he wanted to, but something soft nudged him in the head. He turned and got a faceful of pillow. When he took it, Cas was looking down at him, his eyes soft with happiness.

"For you to sit on," he whispered after Dean hadn't moved.

"Thanks," he whispered back and shoved the pillow under his ass.

Dean loved Indiana Jones, he really did, but he'd been up since five and by the time Marion was kissing Indy's cuts and bruises on the steamer, it was past nine and he was dragging. His eyelids kept drooping. He fought it, but each time they shut, it took him longer and longer to drag them open. He didn't realize he'd passed out until he heard Cas' deep voice rumbling quietly in his ear.

"Wake up, Dean. The movie's over."

Dean mumbled, still mostly asleep, until two things struck almost simultaneously. His head was pillowed against Cas' thigh, and Cas' hand was a hot weight on the back of his neck, his thumb absently stroking over the short hairs at Dean's nape. He sat up abruptly, startled, and immediately wished he hadn't because Cas' hand dropped away. He rubbed at his mouth with the back of his wrist, checking for drool, before turning to Cas with a sheepish smile.

"Sorry."

"Don't be. You were obviously tired." Cas' fingers twitched, like he wanted to touch Dean again and Dean really wished he would. The back of his neck was still tingling.

He put his elbow up on the couch so his hand was close to Cas' thigh, but not touching. "Did you like the movie?"

Cas looked at the tv, his brows drawn, like he'd forgotten it was there and Dean felt himself flush from head to toe. Cas hadn't watched the movie at all, he'd watched Dean the whole time. Dean was absolutely sure of it.

"It was very good," he said finally and Dean grinned. Around them everyone was shuffling to their feet and saying goodnight.

"We'll watch the sequel sometime soon, while this one is still fresh in your mind. You've really gotta remember some of the details of this one for the second to make sense." That, of course, was a blatant lie, but Cas didn't know that, and Dean enjoyed confirmation of his theory in the form of Cas' slightly widened eyes.

"Yes, that would be good."

"Awesome." Dean slapped Cas' thigh with the back of his hand and then pushed himself to his feet and stretched. "Five's gonna be here way too soon. I'll see you for breakfast?"

Cas got to his feet and was suddenly very much in Dean's space. "Yes, definitely."

Dean couldn't help the way his gaze flicked down to Cas' lips. "Alright, great. See you in the morning."

"Goodnight, Dean," Cas said with a smile.

"Night," Dean said as he backed up. He tripped over his feet and stumbled a little. He huffed a laugh, offered an awkward little wave and said, "Night," again.

Cas' smiled broadened and Dean turned so he could walk forward and stop making a fool of himself. Sam met him in the hallway, a knowing grin on his face, and Dean punched him in the arm.

"Way to go, Casanova," Sam said as they headed toward the car. "He'll be putty in your hands in no time."

"I'm not putting the moves on Cas, man." 

"No," Sam agreed with a laugh. "I think he might be putting the moves on you."

Dean stopped in his tracks. "What?"   


Sam took advantage of Dean's distraction to grab the car keys from his lax hand.

"Hey!" Dean shouted, but Sam had already sprinted to the Impala and was sliding into the driver's seat. "That's not happening, Sammy!"

"Sure it is! You're practically asleep on your feet, Dean, come on!"

Dean stood at the front of the car and finally agreed. He really was tired. They rode in silence for a couple of minutes before Dean cleared his throat. "What did you mean by… by Cas…"

"Putting the moves on you?" Sam supplied and Dean nodded. "I don't know. He shared his cookie with you, and during the movie…"

Dean felt his entire body flush again. "He didn't watch the movie, did he?"

"Not any time I happened to look over."

Dean swallowed, his heart thumping in his chest. "What was he doing?"

"Just sort of looking down at you, a couple of times I saw him, like, touching you. Your shoulder and neck."

Dean broke out in goosebumps at that, feeling a phantom touch.

"So, what's going on between you two?"

Dean sighed. "Nothing."

"It's very obviously not nothing, Dean." Sam waited for Dean to say something and when he didn't, probed, "Are you… do you have feelings or something for him?"

Oh yeah, way too many feelings. "It doesn't matter," Dean said tiredly. "He'll be gone in a few months."

And Jesus, he knew that was true, had known it, but saying it out loud made it real. He rubbed his chest because suddenly it hurt. But at least he knew that Cas would be going somewhere where he would be safe and healthy and that was a huge comfort.

"Dean, it matters," Sam pressed.

"Sammy, let it drop, please." Dean didn't want to dwell on Cas leaving. He wanted to enjoy every minute they had left. He wanted to make Cas smile. He wanted to sit under the cottonwood and watch the sunset and run his fingers through Cas' hair.

Sam must have heard something in his voice, because he _did_ drop it and they made the rest of the trip in silence. It wasn't until they were back in their tiny apartment, Dean unfolding the sleeper sofa that served as his bed, that Sam broke the silence.

"It's okay for you to have something of your own, you know. To be happy."

Dean paused in shaking out a blanket, gathering the fabric into fists. He had given Sam _everything_ and now he was telling Dean that he should keep something for himself? What even was there to keep? Everyone left. Everyone he had ever cared about slipped through his fingers no matter how hard he tried to hold on and he was just so goddamn tired. So tired of loving and having his heart ground to paste under the heel of an uncaring universe.

He'd lost both of his parents. He'd lost Anna. Cas would be leaving. Sam, the only family he had left, was leaving. And Dean would be left utterly and completely alone. Except, while he'd been bracing himself against the pain of losing his little brother, he hadn't been expecting Cas. He wasn't ready to lose Cas, too, but he would. And in the meantime Dean would fall a little more in love with him each day, trying pointlessly to hold on.

_Shit_. He tried so hard not to acknowledge any of this crap. He held all his pain close, a little flame he nurtured without recognizing he did so, because at some point, he'd subconsciously come to the conclusion that he wasn't worth sticking around for. And now Sam was suggesting that Dean didn't have anything because he'd never _tried_.

"Go to bed, Sam." Dean's voice quavered. Because of rage, he told himself. Not because he was on the verge of tears.

"You don't have to be alone," Sam started, but Dean rounded on him.

"Sam! Just leave it. I'm happy enough."

Sam flinched back like he'd been hit and Dean's own words echoed in his ears. _Happy enough_. Jesus, that was some sorry ass, sad sack shit and Dean hated that he'd let the words out. More, he hated that they were true.

"It's late, man. Just go to bed. You get to sleep in tomorrow morning, I don't." Tomorrow was Saturday and Sam wasn't due at Harvelle's until ten, but Dean had to be there at six-thirty, as ever, for breakfast prep.

Dean tried to avoid Sam's gaze by continuing to make up the sleeper, but after Dean was done and the kid still hadn't moved, he was forced to look up. The look on Sam's face made Dean want to commit harakiri, because he should never be the one to cause that look of anguish. Sam looked absolutely gutted, and even if Dean didn't understand why, he knew he'd done that.

"Hey, Sam," he started, but Sam interrupted him.

"You know I love you, right?"

Dean drew his head back at the non sequitur. "What?"

"I love you, Dean. My whole life you've been there for me and then after…." His voice broke and he swallowed. "After dad died. You worked so hard to make sure that I was okay and had everything I needed and I… I never thanked you. I've never thanked you for anything."

Tears hovered in Dean's eyes as Sam finished and he did his best to blink them away. He didn't know what to say. He and Sam didn't talk like this, didn't share deep feelings, but now that he'd heard the words, Dean realized he'd been longing to hear them, desperate for it, but that made him feel selfish. He'd just done what he'd needed to.

"I love you, too, Sammy." He cringed a little inwardly as he said it, because tacking on the diminutive of Sam's name cheapened the moment a little, but it was already out. "And you don't need to, to, uh, thank me for anything."

Before he knew what was happening, Sam had closed the distance between them and wrapped Dean in a hug. Sam was done with his vertical growing at this point, but age was still filling out his frame and Dean felt every ounce of potential muscle in the hug Sam gave him. He wheezed as he returned it.

"Oh...okay Sam!" Sam's boa constrictor embrace ease a little and Dean held on a little tighter. "I love you, too," he finally said, without qualifying or diminishing it. "Now go to bed. I have to be up in five and a half hours."

Sam pressed an exaggerated kiss to Dean's cheek and Dean shoved him away with a loud 'eugh,' emphatically wiping away spit. Sam went to bed and Dean changed into his pajamas. He tossed fitfully for a long time, his brain chasing the same two thoughts around - Cas would leave; he wanted Cas to stay with him. He finally fell asleep just an hour before he had to be up.

:::::::

Dean skipped his shower the next morning so he could get another fifteen minutes of sleep. Then he had to skip coffee because he slept too long and was running late. By the time he pulled up to Harvelle's, he was dragging ass, barely able to focus on anything. Benny had to correct him several times through breakfast prep and eventually he just sat Dean down on a stool and flipped on the small coffee pot that usually stood neglected in a corner of the kitchen.

"I'm not a baby…" Dean started, but Benny silenced him with a glare.

"Shut it."

A short while later he shoved a cup of coffee into Dean's hands and demanded that he leave the kitchen.

"But…."

"But nothin'." Benny's tone brooked no argument. "You're gonna add a cup of salt in what calls for a cup of sugar and fuck everything up, so just get outta my kitchen. Unless you're coming back for more coffee." 

Conceding defeat, Dean skulked out to the dining area and sat in his and Cas' normal spot and stared tiredly at his mug. When Cas sat down across from him a half hour later, he'd barely made a dent in his coffee.

"You have no food," Cas observed and Dean grunted. "Would you like me to make you a plate?"

"No."

"Are you feeling ill?"

Dean huffed a laugh and leaned his cheek against his hand. "Just tired. I didn't sleep well last night."

"Do you like strawberry jam?"

The questions was so out of nowhere that Dean's whole face scrunched up. "What?"

"Strawberry jam." Cas lifted a knife with a gob of jam on it and Dean just looked at him like he'd grown a second head.

"Yeah, yeah, it's great. Ellen makes it."

Cas smiled and nodded his head like that settled something. Dean was too tired to even attempt to keep up with what was going on, so he let his eyes slip shut. A moment later, he felt Cas' warm touch on his forearm and drug his eyes back open.

"Here." Cas was holding out half a toasted english muffin with strawberry jam smeared on it. Dean started to protest that he didn't want it, but Cas wasn't taking no for an answer. "Your energy is already flagging from lack of sleep, you don't need to be hungry on top of it."

Dean rolled his eyes but took the english muffin with a muttered thanks. The jam really was good.

"What are your plans for the day?" Cas asked.

"Ah, you know," Dean shrugged. "It's saturday, so I mostly come in to help Benny. I'll just hang out in between. Harass people who are trying to get actual work done. How about you?"

It was Cas' turn to shrug. "I was going to play with Eos for a while and then read."

"Eos?"

"The filly I helped birth. She is very playful."

Dean felt his heart swell at the look of _joy_ on Cas' face. "What's her name mean?"

"Mmm," Cas hummed absently as he put jam on the other half of his english muffin. "She's the Greek goddess of the dawn."

Cas handed over the english muffin and Dean was so distracted by Cas blithely mentioning a Greek goddess that he didn't even argue, just took it. "Where'd you learn about her?"

"One of the books in the library is all about Greek and Roman mythology. I've been reading it and I enjoyed Eos' story."

Dean just stared for a moment and then laughed and looked down. "Jesus, Cas. What're you doing hanging around with me?"

Cas paused with a bite of food halfway to his mouth. "What do you mean?"

"It's just. You've been reading, what? Three weeks now? And you're already reading books on _mythology_? Jesus. You're so freaking smart, it can't be any fun for you to spend time with a moron like me."

"You're not a moron," Cas countered. " _You're_ the one who taught me to read."

Dean colored slightly at that. "Yeah, but I'm not reading about Greek gods or anything."

Cas seemed unimpressed by that argument. "It's a children's book," he said dryly. "I'm sure you could manage it."

"Probably," Dean couldn't help but laugh. "No guarantees, though."

Dean was privately and deeply impressed by the level of _doneness_ Cas imbued his eyeroll with and he couldn't help but grin and take a big bite of his english muffin.

"Do you want to meet Eos?" Cas asked after a bit and Dean managed not to sigh in relief. He'd been trying to figure out how to angle for an invitation without seeming like he was angling for an invitation.

"Yeah, sure." He sounded impressively casual to his own ears. "A baby horse sound cute."

"Filly," Cas said and Dean lifted his brows.

"Huh?"

"She's a filly. A female baby horse. Males are called colts."

"Oh, filly, right," Dean teased. "I didn't realize I was in the presence of an expert. What book did you get this from?"

Cas looked down and poked at his eggs, suddenly embarrassed. "Kevin lent me a book. I don't understand all the words yet, but I enjoy it."

Dean laughed again. "Damn, Cas. With the right library, you're going to take over the goddamn world."

"That's absolutely not true," Cas said, stabbing at his food and Dean's tired mind raised a warning flag.

"In any case," he said, steering them away from the danger zone. "I'd love to meet Eos."

Cas' tight expression shifted into one of happiness. "Her favorite toy is a bucket."

He chatted happily about Eos for a few minutes as they finished their breakfast and then Cas got Dean a fresh cup of coffee before they left the cafeteria.

"Uh, Cas…" Dean started as they neared the barn. "Just so you know, animals aren't really my thing."

"You can sit on the fence," Cas assured him. "She's not terribly used to people beside those of us that work in the barn. If you want to meet her though, I do have a secret weapon." Cas gave him a sly smile as he unlatched the gate. 

"Yeah, okay." Dean followed Cas into the corral and hoisted himself up to sit on the top railing of the fence.

"Here," Cas said, digging into his pocket. "You hold onto these."

Dean held out his hand and Cas deposited a few sugar cubes.

"When I call for you, come. We'll see if we can bribe her into accepting a harness."

Dean looked at Cas, distressed. "Like I said, animals aren't really my th…"

Cas interrupted, "Just bring those when I call."

Dean was left to gape as Cas walked into the barn. A couple of minutes later a mare and her filly charged out into the corral. Dean watched as they ran to one end of the corral and then made a hard turn and charged back toward his end before slowing. The baby horse - filly, Dean corrected himself - ran ahead of her mother, jumping in the air and twisting. A moment later, Cas came out with a forkful of hay and dumped it in a corner. The mare meandered over and Cas ran a hand down her neck and back before leaving her to retrieve the bucket.

He tossed it and Dean watched Eos chase after it, laughing as the little horse stuck her head in it and tossed it.

"Why don't you come down?" Cas asked and Dean looked dubious.

"I think I'm safer up here," he said and gripped his mug more tightly.

Cas came closer to him and held out his hand. His blue eyes sparkled with happiness.

"This is finally a chance for _you_ to trust _me_ ," Cas said and Dean glanced at the horses.

"Um…"

"Dean," he said. "Come down."

His face lit up when Dean took his hand and jumped down from the fence.

"Alright," he said, putting his coffee down on the ground. "But you better protect me."

"Don't worry, I will keep you safe from the terrifying baby horse." Cas hadn't let go of Dean's hand and out of the corner of his eye, he saw Cas' wing open slightly so it was shielding Dean's back. That little gesture, though completely unnecessary, warmed Dean almost as much as holding hands.

Cas clicked his tongue and the filly pranced a little closer to them, bouncing her head, shaking the bucket which she had by the handle. He spoke softly to the little horse and used his hold on Dean's hand to move them closer. She shied away from them, whickering softly, and Dean squeezed Cas' hand.

"I don't think she likes me."

"You're just new." He sent Dean a small smile. "Give her a moment."

Cas kept talking to Eos softly, clicking his tongue. When she ventured closer, Cas tugged gently on Dean's hand. "Offer her a sugar cube."

Dean dug one out of his pocket with his free hand and held it out tentatively. Eos stretched out her neck, nostrils flaring, as she inched forward.

"Good girl," Cas murmured.

Eos flinched back a couple of times, but eventually the temptation of the sugar cube was too much and she gently lipped it from Dean's palm. He grinned like an idiot and turned to Cas.

"She took it," he exclaimed excitedly and Cas chuckled.

"Give her another."

This time when Dean held out his hand there was no hesitation from Eos. She stepped up close to them and took the treat. Dean turned his hand over so he could brush the back of his fingers over her nose.

"She's so soft."

"Yes." Cas reached out and scratched her neck and then laughed when Eos stepped closer and snuffled at Dean's pocket. "She knows you have another."

Dean handed it over with a laugh. "Greedy."

She snuffled at his pocket again, but seemed to realize there were no more treats for her and turned away to continue playing with her bucket. Dean was still holding Cas' hand, and it sent a warm shiver of pleasure through him.

Next to him Cas took a deep breath. "I named her Eos, because the goddess also represents hope." He squeezed Dean's hand. "And for the first time in my life, I have hope."  


Cas' wing brushed against Dean's back and Dean closed his eyes and held on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I have been so tired that I actually did what Benny fears Dean will do. I was making cookies and used salt instead of sugar. The look on everyone's face when they bit into them was *hilarious.*
> 
> Also, in terms of Dean's and Sam's argument... I'm telling this story from the third person limited perspective, but I'm still utilizing Dean as an unreliable narrator. So if any of you are mad at me for being uncharitable to Sam, remember, it's Dean, not me! :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy cow y'all, thank you for being so patient and so *kind* about the delay!! Misha is so happy with all of you, right now!! :)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> I was going to respond to all the comments on the update chapter, but then I deleted it to post this actual chapter and was like, *facepalm!* But please know that your comments and understanding and love for my poor cat were so appreciated! For those wanting a cat update: He's doing well! He finally decided he was done with being cooped up in our bedroom and clamored to be let out. He stalked about the house for a while, begging to be let out, until the soreness sunk back in. He's had his last dose of pain meds, now, so it remains to see what kind of a pain he'll be in when it wears off. But the point is that he's recovering well and I'm so happy that he's still alive and doing well!!
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who commented on the delay! I feel a responsibility to you to get updates out on time! Your understanding has gone a long was toward easing my guilt!
> 
> If you haven't read any of the AN up until now, READ THIS! THERE IS A TRIGGER WARNING IN THE END NOTES. The trigger is only mentioned and there is no graphic detail, but if you need to prep yourself, you should read the end notes.
> 
> Also, I beta myself. I read through things at least five or six times before I post, but this post didn't get quite that attention. If you see something, please let me know. I'll read through again after it's posted and when I'm a little less frazzled!

Dean crept into the barn early the next morning, peeking into the stalls to find Eos. He had three carrots in his back pocket, to share between the filly and her mare. He was still a little intimidated by the horses, but his memory of how gentle Eos, and then later her mother, Lullaby, had been bolstered him.

Dean found the right stall and Lullaby whickered at him. He draped his arms over the stall door and gently snapped.

"Hey, mama. I brought something for you.

Lullaby ambled over to him and pushed her nose under one of his dangling hands. Dean laughed, surprised. He provided the requested scratches, taking a moment to run his fingers over her velvety soft snout.

"You're gorgeous, aren't you?" Dean ran his fingers over Lullaby's white and brown dappled hide. "Do you want a treat?" He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a carrot. Lullaby sniffed it only briefly before neatly polishing it off in two bites. He pulled out another carrot and she inhaled it just as quickly.

"Maybe I should have brought more," Dean said and then jumped when a deep voice echoed his.

"Maybe you should have."

"Oh, hey," Dean said awkwardly, and Cas smiled.

"You're going to spoil them if you bring them treats every morning," Cas said as he came to stand next to Dean.

"Oh, sorry."

"No." Cas turned to cross his arms over the top of the gate and rested his chin on them. "Don't be sorry. It's sweet." He watched Dean take the last carrot from his pocket before venturing, "You're not usually here on Sunday.

"Yeah," Dean agreed, breaking the carrot in half. "Sorta wanted to come by."

Cas was silent as Dean fed one half of the carrot to Lullaby and the other half to Eos. "To see the horses?"

Dean knew that Cas was giving him an out for being here, but he didn't want it. So he shook his head. "No. I wanted… I thought maybe we could hang out."

A slow smile spread across Cas' face. "I'd like that."

"Awesome."

They were just leaving the barn to head to breakfast when they heard someone shout, "Goddamn mother fuckers!"

They both looked in the direction the voice came from. "That sounded like Bobby," Dean said a second before he took off running. Cas followed hot on his heels. They found Bobby by the storage shed. The lock had been busted off the garage door and the contents inside had been destroyed and strewn about. Next to the shed, the tractor was sitting on slashed tires, its controls smashed and broken. On the side of the shed, someone had spraypainted 'Angel Lovers.'

"Son of a bitch," Dean breathed, skidding to a halt.

Cas stopped next to Dean, taking in the destruction with wide eyes. "What happened?"

"Fuck!" Dean swore. "I can't fucking believe this!"

"Maybe we caught something on camera," Bobby sighed.

Cas looked between the two of them. "Someone did this deliberately."

Dean turned to look at him and saw the dawning sadness and anger spreading across his features. "A couple of fuckheads from town."

Cas looked at him, surprised. "You know who they are?"

"Yeah, but we can't prove anything."

"Unless we caught something on camera," Bobby offered.

"We can hope. Go check the tapes," Dean said. "I'll call the sheriff and document all this."

"Alright," Bobby agreed. "Hopefully we'll get some good news."

Bobby left them and Dean pulled out his phone to call Jody. As he explained to the sheriff what happened, he watched Cas look around sadly. Cas bent to pick up a rake that had been snapped in two, and Dean could see his knuckles going white from gripping it so hard.

When Dean hung up the phone, Cas turned to him, eyes filled with rage. "Why would someone do this?"

A shot of adrenaline went through Dean at the look on Cas' face. It was easy to forget how fucking terrifying Cas could be when he wanted to be. "Because they're mouth-breathing knuckle draggers," he said finally. At Cas' confused look, he clarified. "They hate what we do here, hate that we set angels up in good situations."

Cas' look got even darker. "They want us to live in pain and filth? Want to keep their boots on the back of our necks?" He hurled a piece of the rake handle at the shed. It hit so hard that it splintered. Cas was breathing hard, trembling with barely repressed fury.

Dean's heart had sped up with fear. He was actually afraid that Cas was about to lose it. "Don't let them do this to you, Cas." Cas turned to him and Dean took an involuntary step back at the look on his face. "You look like you're about to fly off the handle, man. You need to calm down.

"This is my  _ home _ ," Cas hissed. "I felt  _ safe _ here."

"I know. But these assholes are cowards. They do shit like this because they know it hurts, but they'd never actually go face to face with anyone." That was a lie, but Cas didn't need to know that. "Don't let them mess up your record. You're doing so good, Cas."

"We're to just let this go?" Cas asked, looking over the destruction and Dean sighed.

"Yeah. It sucks, but there's nothing we can do that won't get us into trouble. They're fuckers, and they cost us a lot of money, but they're cowards. Don't let them force you into something that won't do you any good."

Cas looked around a moment longer before dropping the other half of the rake. "No, I won't let them threaten my rehabilitation."

Dean breathed a sigh of relief. "Alright, good." He put his hand on Cas' shoulder and squeezed. "And hey, maybe we caught something on camera."

Cas looked up around them at that. "I didn't realize there were cameras out here."

"We don't ever look at the footage, it's just for times like this. We had them installed after the last time these assholes pulled this crap." Dean squeezed Cas' shoulder once more before turning toward the tractor to snap a picture of its punctured tires. "They sprayed painted slurs all over the barn, let all the animals out, pissed in the feed."

At Cas' silence, he looked up at the angel. Cas was looking murderous again. "How many times have they done this?"

"It's actually been a while." Dean photographed the busted tractor controls. "But this is the fourth time they've vandalized the place."

"How are you so certain of who it is?" Cas stepped aside so Dean could get a clear shot of everything strewn in front of the shed.

"Because they boasted about it to their asshole buddies. A few of us were at the bar in town and heard them." He snapped a few more pictures and then turned to Cas. "We reported it to the sheriff, but no one would would corroborate our story. Jody believes us because she knows Alastair and his buddy Tom are part of a human supremacy group."

Cas' lip curled. "Humans keep angels as slaves, why is there a need for supremacy groups?"

"Because the US is way behind the curve in angels' rights," Dean spat. "Angels are free in almost all other developed countries, but not here. But there are a lot of people here fighting hard for abolition and the bigots are scared that they're going to lose their power."

"You are very passionate about angels' rights," Cas said. "Why?"

"I work in rescue; angels are just like anybody," Dean said, fidgeting slightly. "They want to have a family and be happy." He shrugged. "We're basically the same."

Cas smiled slightly. "But you, among all the humans I have met here, are especially invested. You are uniquely fervent and I think there must be a reason."

Dean looked away, his emotions swirling. His life path had been cemented at fourteen, when he'd tried to save Anna. And while he'd given permission to Pamela to tell Cas about it, he didn't like talking about it himself. The wound, though eight years old, still hurt, and he was ashamed at his failure. But he wanted to share the story with Cas. He wanted to bare his greatest pain to the angel he felt so much for, who had shared so much with him. But this wasn't the right time. Cas was angry over the vandalization and Jody would be showing up soon to take the report. So he sighed and ran a hand back through his hair.

"Yeah. Yeah, there's a reason, but now's not the time. I'll… can I tell you over lunch?"

"Dean," Cas said softly. "You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to just to satisfy my curiosity."

"No, I know. I want to tell you, but… It's a hard story for me to tell and now's not the right time. Later?

"Of course. Do you need to finish documenting the damage?" Cas asked and Dean was grateful for the change of subject.

"Yeah, I've gotta get everything inside, too." Dean looked around at the damage done. "It pisses me off that there are people like this in the world, right here where I live. It makes no sense. How can they be so  _ blind _ ?"

Cas reached out and took Dean's hand and was silent for a moment. "For most of my life," he said finally, "I believed that all humans were like the men who did this, like the man that owned me, like the people who watched me fight. You have changed my perception of humans, Dean." He squeezed Dean's hand. "I never thought that I would be so close to those who enslaved me."

Dean was flabbergasted at that. "Cas, you… I'm not anything special. I'm just doing what's right."

"You  _ are _ special, Dean. And you're special to me."

Dean's heart stuttered to a stop. He was still staring at Cas, trying to figure out how to respond, when the sound of tires on gravel caught his attention.

"That'll be the Sheriff." He looked away, grateful to be out from under Cas' steady, earnest gaze, and pulled his hand from Cas'. He turned toward where Jody was pulling up not far away and tried to squelch the guilt that was rising. But he couldn't deal with what Cas had said, not right now. Not when he had to show Jody what had happened here, and not when he'd promised to tell Cas about how he'd failed Anna.

"Dean!" Jody called as she got out of her SUV and Dean waved.

"Morning, Sheriff. Wish you were here under better circumstances."

"Yeah, well, you know how it is. I'm the wallflower until the shit hits the fan and then I'm the belle of the ball."

She opened her arms and Dean gave her a hug. "C'mon, you know that's not true."

"Ah, it's okay. Comes with the job. So what have these dickheads done now?"

"Mostly destruction of property," Dean said as they headed back toward the shed. Cas was still standing there, watching them, and Dean sent a shaky smile his way. "Jody, this is Castiel."

"Castiel," Jody said, holding out her hand. "Good to meet you."

"You, too, Sheriff," he said, shaking her hand.

"So, Dean. You get pictures of all of this, yet?"

Dean held up his phone. "Working on it."

"Good, let's walk through it."

Jody spent the next hour going over the scene, pointing out specific things she wanted Dean to take pictures of. Cas followed them for a while, but eventually left with a softly murmured excuse.

"I'll catch up with you later?" Dean had asked as Cas walked away.

Cas had turned and looked at him, his expression affectionate and a little melancholy, "Of course."

Jody had looked at Dean as Cas walked away, her eyebrows raised, but Dean had ignored her and gotten back to documenting the damage. When they were done, they headed over to the office where Bobby was still fiddling with the recording from last night.

"Catch anything good?" Jody asked as they pulled up seats.

"Caught the whole damn thing," Bobby grumbled. "Can't say any of it's much good."

Jody leaned over Bobby's shoulder so she could see the screen better. "Play it for me."

Bobby rewound the recording and played it for Jody. Two men were clearly visible breaking into the shed and vandalizing it, but there didn't appear to be any good shots of their faces.

"Alright," Jody sighed. "Get me a copy of that recording and I'll have my people go over it, see if they can enhance the image at all so we can get an ID."

"Just put it on a flash drive right now," Dean suggested. At Bobby's look, they exchanged places so Dean could load the file onto the drive and hand it to Jody.

"Well, boys, here's hoping we can get a shot of at least one of their faces." She slid the flash drive into her pocket. "I'd like nothing more than to arrest Alastair and his sidekick."

Bobby and Dean walked Jody out to her cruiser and waved good-bye before turning back to the shed.

"Jesus, what a shit show," Bobby sighed.

"At least they didn't piss on anything this time." 

Bobby grunted in disgust. "Small favors. Come on, let's see if there's any breakfast left and then we can hopefully rustle up a crew to clean this up."

Dean sighed. "Nah, you go ahead. I kinda lost my appetite. I'll start cleaning up out here."

"Suit yourself." Bobby clapped him on the shoulder. "See ya in a bit, son."

The first thing Dean did after Bobby left was to slap a coat of paint over the graffiti. It'd probably need another one to cover it completely, but he didn't want everyone to have to see it if he could help it. Finished with the first coat of paint, he started sorting things into salvageable and trash piles. It was mindless and it allowed him to turn Cas' words over in his mind. That he was important to Cas. It made Dean's heart pound just to think it, but he didn't know how to respond. He wanted to tell Cas that he was important to him too, but he didn't want to make Cas feel like he had to stay. 

Dean snorted in disgust at himself as he tossed a shattered drill onto the trash pile. He wanted Cas to stay, but he didn't want Cas to say. He sighed in resignation as he continued to sort through the mess. Of course he wanted Cas to stay, but he wanted him to stay because Cas  _ chose _ to, not just because Dean wanted him to. Could Dean risk admitting that he cared for Cas without swaying his decision? Could he admit it at all? He was prepared to tell Cas about Anna, but could he give Cas his biggest vulnerability? Could he tell Cas he needed him and hope that Cas wouldn't leave? Just wanting it made him feel so selfish.

"Dean."

Dean was startled out of his reverie by Cas' gravelly voice and looked up. "Hey, Cas."

"Bobby said that you had remained behind to clean up."

Dean was having a hard time looking at Cas, his emotions were in such turmoil. "Yeah, it's not gonna clean itself up."

"No." Cas was silent while Dean picked up a few other items and sorted them. Finally, he said, "Dean, stop."

"What?" Dean asked as he bent to pick up a circular saw that looked pretty undamaged. He started examining it, doggedly not looking at Cas.

"Dean," Cas plead. "Stop."

Dean dropped the saw in the salvageable pile and sighed. "What, Cas?"

"I've made you uncomfortable." Cas sounded so remorseful that Dean's heart broke.

"Christ," he breathed and scrubbed a hand over his face. "No, man, I'm fine." He finally turned to look at Cas and saw the disbelief written all over his features. "Seriously, Cas, I'm good."

Cas searched Dean's face for a moment before looking away, sadness etched onto his features. Dean's breath caught in his throat. He couldn't let Cas believe that his words had made him uncomfortable.

"Cas, I'm… I'm…" He gathered himself and went for it. "You're important to me, too, okay?" Cas looked back up at him, his expression hopeful, and Dean's whole being yearned for him, made him keep talking. "It's just… I'd already promised to tell you about… about why I'm into angels' rights and it was just a little too much all at once, alright? But you are, Cas, and you didn't make me uncomfortable. Just the opposite. I'm glad that… that I mean something to you."

"Me, too," Cas said and visibly relaxed. "Would you like help?"

"Yeah, absolutely."

They worked in comfortable silence for a while, only breaking it for Cas to ask Dean about the state of a piece of equipment. Dean would shoot looks at the angel now and again, watching the graceful way he moved, how strong his hands were. Cas caught him staring once. He was prodding at the engine of a leaf blower when he looked up. Dean looked away as fast as he could, but he knew he'd been caught. When he snuck a look at Cas a second later, Cas was smiling softly down at the engine. A little while later they were joined by Bobby and those he'd been able to wrangle into helping.

Between all of them, clean-up didn't take long. It was heartening to see the shed back in order, but it was discouraging to see how much had been destroyed. He heard someone sniff as they all looked at the pile of everything that had been lost and looked around. Hannah was wiping tears from her eyes and Dean felt a stab of jealousy when Cas put an arm around her shoulder and pulled her into a hug. He heard the rumble of Cas' voice but couldn't make out the words. Whatever he said made Hannah hug him tighter and Dean looked away. 

"Thanks for your help, everyone," Bobby said, effectively dismissing them. "Went a lot faster thanks to you."

The crowd dispersed and Dean started heading with Bobby back toward the office, but Cas' voice stopped him. "Dean, would you like to get lunch?"

"Oh…" He looked over Cas' shoulder and saw Hannah walking away with Hael and smiled. "Oh, yeah, I'd love to."

"Would you like to eat outside?" Cas suggested. "It's beautiful."

Dean smiled. "That sounds awesome." 

They grabbed food from the cafeteria and then headed up to the cottonwood on top of the hill. Dean sat in the shade, but Cas chose to sit in the sun, spreading his wings behind him.

"I don't understand how you like to bake yourself in the sun," Dean said, shaking his head. "Don't you get hot?"

"Yes, but it helps ease the ache in my wing joints."

Dean was surprised by that. "They still hurt?"

Cas nodded as he unwrapped his sandwich. "They've hurt for years. Too much trauma from fighting. It was just worse when they were bound." He noticed Dean shifting uncomfortably and reached out to press his fingers against Dean's knee. "It's alright, Dean. We're far past that, now."

"Yeah. Still, doesn't mean I don't hate the fact that it happened at all."

"I appreciate your concern and everything you did for me. I was… I was terrified when I got here, and angry." He paused, a wry smile pulling at his lips. "I didn't believe you when you said you were in rescue, I didn't even realize there  _ was _ such a thing as angel rescue. I thought I'd been sold and I was expecting to be put in the ring every day. I thought you were trying to trick me into something. I couldn't understand why you were being so  _ nice _ ."

Dean laughed. "I'm gonna need you to tell that to Sam. He thinks I'm mean."

Cas chuckled. "I'm happy to tell him so. But I'm here right now because of you, Dean. I want you to understand that."

"You're here right now because of  _ you _ , Cas," Dean said. "You're the one who tried and  _ kept _ on trying. I just gave you the space to do it."

Cas laughed outright at that and Dean grinned in response, despite being a little offended. It was the first time he'd  _ really _ heard Cas laugh. "You got that from Pamela."

Now it was Dean's turn to laugh, all offence forgotten. "Busted."

They looked at each other, both of them grinning and happy, and Dean wanted to freeze this moment in time. He wanted to be able to come back and visit this moment after Cas left. He wanted to remember how the sun turned Cas' normally dark brown hair two shades lighter and how his wings were shiny, glossy black, looking strong and healthy despite the gaps. But most of all, he wanted to remember Cas' face. He wanted to remember how bright his eyes were and how his nose wrinkled. He wanted to remember Cas being  _ happy _ , and so he strived to etch every detail into his mind.

Cas blinked first and looked away, back down at his sandwich, his grin turning shy.

"Hey, Cas," Dean said on impulse, just to get Cas' gaze back on him. "I'm glad you trusted me. I'm glad you're my friend."

"And I'm glad you're mine." 

They chatted about nothing in particular as they ate, their conversation wandering. It was comfortable and easy and Dean let the warmth of the moment and the day soak into him. When they were done eating Cas reached his arms over his head and stretched.

"The sun and food are making me sleepy," he said, stifling a yawn.

"This is as good a place as any for a nap."

Cas hummed his agreement and started to shift. Dean watched with growing astonishment as Cas arranged himself next to him and then laid back, resting his head on Dean's thigh, his wings spread wide. He looked up at Dean with a small, happy smile and then closed his eyes with a sigh. Dean just stared down at him, afraid that if he moved he'd break whatever spell that had spun itself around them.

After a moment, Cas said, "You should make sure no bugs can land on me."

Dean laughed and Cas grinned, eyes still closed. "Yeah, I'll make sure no bugs get on you."

He ran his fingers through Cas' hair, gazing down at him affectionately. He couldn't believe their time together was winding down. July was slowly wearing away and in just a week they'd reach Cas' two months to go mark. A week after that it would be August. Then, on September twentieth, six months to the day that Cas had been brought in, he would be certified, his papers transferred, and he would leave to start his new life. The thought brought Dean both joy and sorrow. He was excited that Cas would get to start a new life, explore things he enjoyed, but… Dean wouldn't be a part of it. It would be enough to know that Cas would be okay, though.

He scratched his nails over Cas' scalp and steeled himself. "Want to know how I got into rescue?"

Cas opened his eyes and looked up at him. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"Yeah." Dean looked away and shifted a little. "I know."

Cas reached up and grabbed his wrist. "Really, Dean. I'm happy just continuing on like this."

Dean gently prised Cas' fingers from his wrist and resumed his stroking. "I know you are, and I appreciate that. But I want to tell you."

"Should I sit up?" Cas queried and Dean huffed a laugh.

"No. No, you just stay where you are." Dean took a breath to steady himself, to organize his thoughts. "I haven't had to tell this in a while," he said. "Most of the old timers here know because they were here when I joined. The only person I've actually had to tell is Pam, and she joined up almost right after I got here."

Cas reached up and ran his hand up and down Dean's back once before dropping it back to his side. Dean felt the ghost of warmth from his fingers.

"I never thought anything about angels being kept as slaves when I was a kid. It was just the way things were and we were too poor to own one. And then my… my mom died in a house fire."

"I'm sorry," Cas murmured. 

"It was a fucking freak thing. Bad wiring or some shit." Dean's voice broke and Cas reached up again to stroke Dean's back

"After… after mom died, we moved up here because Bobby was pretty much my dad's best friend and dad… he kind of fell apart after mom died. He was a good father, and he loved us, but he… He was lost after mom died."

Dean was silent a long while after that admission, his fingers still slipping absently through Cas' hair

"I was twelve when we moved to Broken Bow, Sammy was just eight," he said finally. "Bobby got dad a job at a mechanic shop in town and Sam and I started school. We never came here. It just wasn't on our radar. Dad was apathetic about slavery. We couldn't afford an angel so he didn't think about it.

"He bought a house on the outskirts of Broken Bow. Our neighbors were these nice people. The Miltons. They were better off than us and owned an angel named Anna. They treated her well, didn't mind that she and I became friends. She was a year older than me." Dean swallowed. "I liked her immediately. She was funny and sweet and loved to have fun. As I got older, I realized she was beautiful, too. I couldn't have stayed away from her even if I'd wanted to." Dean sucked in a deep breath. "We hung out all the time. Whenever she had free time she would come over or I'd go over there. We'd just talk or play games. She taught me how to cook. It was just good,  _ we _ were good. She was… she was my first love." Dean paused, trying to gather himself. "At some point, though, she started to change. She was sad all the time and withdrawn. Sometimes she would just cry and the only thing I could do was hold her." Dean's voice broke and Cas sat up, turning to face him.

"Dean," he said softly, reaching for his hand.

He let Cas twine their fingers together. "It's okay, Cas. Let me do this."

Cas nodded but remained silent.

Dean took a deep breath and continued. "Finally, after months and months like that, she told me what was going on. The Milton's son had come home from college and started… he was  _ raping _ her." Dean scrubbed angrily at his eyes with his free hand. "And she wouldn't tell anyone. So I hatched this plan. We were going to run away and, I don't know. I guess I just thought we'd be together forever somehow. I was fourteen at this point and didn't really have a solid long term plan. All I knew was that I had to save her, I had to get her away from him. So I shoved some food and some clothes into a backpack. I stole Sam's backpack for her to do the same, and that night, we left." Dean huffed a sad laugh. "I couldn't even drive, so we were on foot. We walked all night and found an abandoned barn just before dawn and we spent the day there. At least I was aware enough to know that we couldn't be walking around in the daytime. When it finally got dark, we started walking again, but it didn't matter that it was dark. The cops found us within a couple of hours. We ran, but they chased us down. One of the cops knocked me to the ground and cuffed me while the other dragged Anna away. She was… she was screaming my name, begging me not to let them take her, and I couldn't do anything. I just watched as they took her..."

The tears that had been brimming finally spilled over and Dean just let them fall.

"She trusted me to save her and I failed her. They sent her back to the Miltons and their son and I got arrested and charged with  _ theft _ , like she was a car or jewelry or something. If I'd been eighteen, I would have been charged with felony theft and gotten ten years in jail. Instead, I was charged as a minor and lucked out with a sympathetic judge. He sentenced me to six months of community service here."

"Did you continue to see Anna at home?" Cas asked and Dean's face contorted in pain.

"No. I'd told everyone what the creep son was doing to her, but it wasn't illegal - it's  _ still _ not - so they didn't do anything. And then the Miltons moved. Just up and left. I've tried searching for them, but haven't had any luck." Dean sniffed and wiped away his tears. "So that's it. Meeting Anna, seeing how she had  _ no rights _ when someone was abusing her… And then working here, meeting more angels and hearing their stories." He shrugged. "I don't understand how anyone _isn't_ an abolitionist."

Dean was completely taken off guard when Cas leaned in and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. Instinctively, Dean brought his own arms up to circle Cas' waist. The angle was awkward, but Cas' body was warm and Dean could feel his breath against the side of his neck. Dean turned his head slightly to run his nose through Cas' hair. After a long while, they pulled apart and Cas rested his hands on Dean's shoulders.

"Thank you for telling me."

"Yeah," Dean said awkwardly, unable to meet Cas' eye.

Cas trailed his hands down Dean's arms to his hands, where he clasped them. "How do you want to continue on from here?"

Dean squeezed Cas' hands in acknowledgment and thanks. "Seems like it's still a pretty nice afternoon for a nap."

Cas smiled and then closed his eyes and tilted his head back so he could breathe deeply of the warm and fragrant summer air. "Yes, it definitely is."

He shifted again so he could lay with his head pillowed on Dean's thigh.

"You're right," he said after a long while. "It is nice in the shade."

Dean smiled down at him, even though Cas' eyes were closed, and tugged his hair gently. "Told you so."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING for - mention of rape. Nothing graphic is depicted, but you know it happened.
> 
> There was angst mixed with some fluff here. I hope you don't hurt too bad!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hooray, a chapter! A long one, too! There is some really gross fluff and then also some angst. And a little bit of blood. And I might have made myself cry at one point. Okay twice.
> 
> A potential warning and spoilery comments in the end notes!
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me, everyone! :) I'm going to try and catch up on comments this weekend! Kisses and hugs for all of you!

Summers were supposed to be slow. At least that's what Sam told him while lounging on Dean's fold away bed in the living room while Dean went through his morning routine.

"I am going to kick your ass if I have to hear this one more time, you know," Dean said, toothbrush sticking from his mouth.

Sam leaned back against the cushions, a shit eating grin on his face. "What?"

"Why are you even up?"

"Oh, dude, gross! Stop spraying toothpaste all over me!" Sam dramatically wiped splatters of toothpaste from his face and Dean rolled his eyes and retreated to the bathroom. "And I'm up because you made bacon."

"Yeah, for myself!" Dean shouted after he rinsed his mouth.

"You get breakfast at Harvelle's."

"I'm not even having this conversation with you," Dean said as he came back into the living room. "Besides, we all know about Benny's _bacon_." He held up his pinky finger and then bent it like it was going soft.

Sam cracked up, holding his stomach. "I'm totally telling him you said that."

"Knock yourself out, kid." Dean bent down to dig through his pile of t-shirts and pulled out his threadbare but super soft Motörhead shirt from when he'd seen them on tour when he was eighteen. That is was a little tight and clung to his chest in all the right places was alright, too. Cas might like it, might let his eyes linger, and Dean didn't even try to suppress the warm shiver that gave him. He finished dressing and pointed at Sam, "Don't eat in my bed all day. Fold it back up into a couch, first."

"Yeah, yeah."

Dean silently vowed to dump a whole bag of crushed potato chips into Sam's bed if he came home to crumbs in his own. Out loud, he said, "Don't forget I'm going out with the gang tonight."

"Cool," Sam said absently. "I'll probably head over to Mark's place, play some video games."

"Awesome, see you later." Dean ruffled Sam's hair as he walked past, just to annoy the kid, and then headed to Harvelle's. His day seemed to sail by and before he knew it it was lunch time. He was already sitting at a table with Gabriel and Hannah when Cas walked up to them.

"Dean, would you get me lunch and meet me outside," he said and then walked away.

Gabriel dramatically pinched his nose as Cas walked away. "Holy hell, what is that _smell_?"

Dean waved a hand in front of his own face. "Jesus, I don't know, but I'm glad he didn't sit down."

"But he did ask you to bring him lunch," Hannah observed and Dean wrinkled his nose.

"I'll be sure to sit upwind of him. See you guys around."

Dean grabbed Cas some chips, a sandwich, and a bottle of water and headed outside. He found Cas at a spigot, washing his hands.

"Brought you your lunch," he said and then buried his nose in the crook of his elbow. "Jesus, Cas, you really stink!"

Cas shot him a sour look. "I'm aware." He turned off the spigot and shook his hands dry. "You can go back inside if you want. Thank you for bringing me food."

"Nah, it's okay, but, uh… let's definitely make sure the wind is at my back." He handed over the food and stepped back a little. "What the hell have you been doing all morning?"

"We're relocating the manure composting pit," Cas said as he sat on a bench and Dean laughed.

"Christ, that sounds awful."

"It's not pleasant." Cas ate practically half his sandwich in one bite and Dean realized he should have brought him two.

"Why didn't you take a shower before lunch?"

Cas shrugged. "We're continuing right after lunch," he said with a full mouth.

Dean shook his head. "Are you going to finish today?"

"God, I hope so," Cas said fervently.

Dean laughed and brought his own sandwich to his mouth before hesitating and putting it back down. The smell was just too awful. "Hey, you still willing to help me plan Sam's party?"

"Of course."

"Great." Dean tried to make casual conversation, but after about ten minutes, his eyes started watering. He finally stood. "No offense, man, but I can't sit with you any longer."

"None taken. I'm impressed you lasted this long."

"Yeah, well," he said, gathering up their trash. "I live with Sam. I've got a lot of practice tolerating pungent smells."

Cas laughed. "I'll see you at dinner. _Not_ smelling pungent."

"I look forward to it."

Dean helped Benny clean and pack everything up and then headed to the main office to grab the truck keys. He stuck his head into Ellen's office. "I'm taking the truck and trailer into town to pick up the tractor. Ed said she's fixed up like new."

"Finally," Ellen said, looking through some papers on her desk. "The common area's looking like a jungle. Hael and Inias walked through it the other day and had to pick off something like twelve ticks between them."

Dean shuddered. "I've been avoiding it, myself."

Ellen signed something and then put her pen down and leaned back in her chair. "You got a minute to sit down?"

Dean frantically started rewinding the days in his head, trying to remember if he'd done something wrong. It must have shown on his face because Ellen chuckled.

"You didn't do anything wrong. For once. Just sit down, I want to talk with you a minute."

Dean warily entered the office. He loved Ellen like a mother, but if you rubbed her fur the wrong way she could be seriously scary. He sat gingerly on the edge of the chair and waited to see what this was about.

"We're inside Castiel's last two months," she started, but the words didn't relax Dean at all.

"Yeah, by about a week," he said carefully.

"How's he doing?"

Dean's brow furrowed. "Hasn't Kevin been filing his reports?"

"Course. But he doesn't hang around with Castiel like you do. I want to get your perspective."

"He's doing incredibly well." Dean knew that he had to tread carefully here. Ellen had the most sensitive bullshit detector of anyone he'd ever met and would know in a second if he was blowing smoke up her ass. "I know he's found working in the barn extremely satisfying. Aside from today, I suppose."

"What happened?"

Dean chuckled. "They're moving the manure compost pile." At Ellen's curled lip, he laughed harder. "Yeah. Shit job."

Ellen rolled her eyes at that and Dean grinned unrepentantly. "Has he made friends beside you?"

"Yeah. You know he was more isolated than most angels we get here, so he kind of… a lot of things go over his head, but I know that he's close with Hannah. And Gabriel, of all people."

"Hannah was nurturing a little crush for a while," Ellen mused and Dean made sure to keep his face absolutely neutral.

"Oh yeah?"

"For three weeks straight it was, 'Castiel did this,' or, 'Castiel said that.' Her and Hael both, really. It was nauseating. I heard them giggling about how blue his eyes are for Christ's sake."

 _They are really blue_ , Dean agreed privately. Out loud he said, "Well, there you go. He's charming."

"And how's his temper?"

Here was the minefield Dean had been hoping to avoid. Dean more than anyone knew about the flashes of rage in Cas. Twice - when Cas had him pinned against the bookshelf and the day they'd discovered the vandalization - he'd actually felt really afraid and had to talk him down. The other times, it would be something Dean said or something he saw or heard. This fierceness would bleed into his eyes and his jaw would go hard. It never failed to get Dean's heart going. But as time wore on, the more Cas has his private sessions with Pamela, the more confident and centered he felt, the less often those moments came. And when they came recently, Cas more easily mastered them. Now, how to tell Ellen all that without making her nervous.

"He's… You know, if you told me when he got here that I'd be…" _Running my fingers through his hair, holding his hand_. "That I'd be laughing at him for smelling like shit or sitting up on the hill teaching him how to read?" He laughed and shook his head. "I know I talked a big game at the beginning, but when he held out for so long, I really started to be afraid that we'd never get here. But here we are. And, y'know, he's still a work in progress, but he wants this so bad, Ellen. I've never seen an angel work so hard."

"I'll be honest," she said. "I thought you'd dug yourself a hole that I wasn't sure you'd be able to get out of. I was sure we'd have to… that we wouldn't be able to rehabilitate him. And you'd gotten so attached to him that I was pretty sure it'd break you if that happened. I didn't think you could handle losing another one."

Dean bristled at her language, but kept it under wraps. Besides, there was a small part of Dean that had feared the same thing.

"But you've done good work with him, Dean. Beyond good. It's practically a miracle."

"I'm not his counsellor anymore. Haven't been for months. The credit goes to Kevin and Cas himself."

"Nuh-uh." Ellen leaned forward. "I'm not letting you do that. I'm not saying you deserve all the credit, but you went in that room day after day, you got him out his restraints in possibly the craziest Hail Mary I have ever witnessed, and then you got him out of that room. We've got some invested people here, Dean, but I don't know that anyone would have done what you did for five solid weeks."

Dean's cheeks flushed with embarrassment and he wanted to argue, but he knew that Ellen would just shut him down, so he shrugged awkwardly. "I just did what needed to be done."

Ellen laughed. "I swear, son, if Death himself had his hand on your shoulder, telling you it was time to die, but you had something you needed to get done, you'd take the reaper's own scythe to his gut in order to get away and do it." Dean's blush deepened and Ellen reached across the desk to tousle his hair. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you're one stubborn sonofabitch, given who your daddy was."

A mixture of pride and shame rose in Dean at that comment. He loved his dad and was glad that Ellen saw something of John in him, but John had dropped the ball in a big way when it came to his kids. Dean saw his failure to save Anna as the first step down that sorry road and he wanted to avoid that part of his father's personality at all costs.

"Yeah, well…" Dean said and reached up to fix his hair.

Ellen settled back into her chair and regarded him steadily. "I've got one more question for you Dean and I need you to answer me honestly." Dean nodded. "When his time here is up, do you think we can trust that he'll never lose control?"

It was such an unfair question. Anyone, faced with the right circumstances, could be pushed to extreme actions, but no one ever asked if a human child could be counted on to never do violence to others before they were released from their parents' care. The very idea of it was laughable. But rescues across the country were asked to make that guarantee for the angels they were releasing back into the world. Dean was so angry for a moment that he had to look away and take a deep breath.

"I know what you're thinking Dean." At his sharp look, she sighed. "I've watched you grow up these past ten years, eight of them working at my rescue. I've watched how your politics have evolved and I know exactly what you think about many of the rules we have to work under. You can try to buck them, Dean. That's your prerogative, but as the owner of this rescue, I can't. I have twenty-seven angels here right now, and I've got at least three deep waiting for those spots when they leave. Every year seventy some angels come through these doors and leave to go onto a better life. When I started this place that was about the best we could do. You've got no idea what it was like in those early years. Times are changing, Dean, and it's your generation that's going to bust down the walls, but in the meantime, I've gotta be here, helping angels who are stuck in horrible situations. And I can't do that if I get shut down because an angel I certified goes rogue. I know it's not fair, and one day hopefully angels will be free and we won't have to worry about it, but for right now, I've got to. Do you think we can trust him?"

Dean knew that Ellen was right, that Harvelle's did so much good and that it would be destroyed if Cas ever so much as punched someone, but…. Dean remembered Cas' happy smile, his excitement the first time he'd tried a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, the way his strong, deadly hands gently stroked Eos' neck. They couldn't just snuff all that out.

"You'd really do it?" Dean hadn't realize tears were welling in his eyes until they spilled over. "You'd really kill him? After seeing who he's become?"

Ellen's eyes were sad but steady as she regarded him. "In order to save the hundreds of angels who will come after him, yes. I wouldn't like it, but yes."

He clenched his jaw and forced himself to get it together. "You already know I'm going to say yes, we can trust him, but I also know that you're not going to listen to me because you know I can't be objective." He swiped at his cheeks and looked at the floor between his feet. "He likes poetry and books on ancient Greece. He reads everything on animal husbandry he can get his hands on because he loves taking care of the animals. He still doesn't sleep in his bed because of what happened to him, but he sleeps with a dictionary under his pillow. He thinks cottonwood fluff is beautiful and it was the first thing here that made him smile. He held my hand when I was scared of a baby horse." He looked up at Ellen. "None of that is subjective. That is the man Castiel has become and it's not an angel who can't be trusted or an angel who deserves death." Dean took a deep breath and stood. "Unless you have any more questions, I'm going to go pick up the tractor."

"No, I'm good. You go on. That tick valley ain't gonna brush hog itself." Ellen dismissed him by picking up her pen and looking back down at the papers on her desk and Dean stalked out of her office.

To be fair, he'd known something like that was coming, but he hadn't anticipated being so upset by it. That Ellen was still actually considering the possibility of killing Cas… it made his stomach turn. He paused when he got in behind the wheel of the truck, sucking in huge gasps of air. Cas couldn't die, couldn't be _murdered_ by the people who'd sworn to protect him.

He closed his eyes and forced himself to control his breathing. There was still a long process to go to see if Cas would be certified. Ellen would still be talking to Kevin and Pamela. She'd talk to Cas, too. And he would pass, Dean knew he would. There was no way he wouldn't. Cas would spend just under another two months here and then he would move on. He would be okay. Cas' papers would be bought by someone who would be able to give him a fantastic job wherever Cas wanted. And he would leave Harvelle's and be safe.

"He'll be safe," he said out loud. He took another deep breath because he felt perilously close to puking. Losing Cas because he was leaving was painful enough, but the thought of him dying, of being killed… Dean thought Ellen was right. It would break him.

A knock on the window startled Dean out of his reverie. Benny was peering in at him, a concerned look on his face and Dean rolled down the window.

"You alright, brother?"

"Yeah." He ran a hand through his hair, trying to calm himself. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Kinda looked like you were having a stroke or something," he said, still looking concerned and Dean forced a laughed.

"No stroke. What's up?"

Benny eyed him for another long moment before saying, "Saw Ellen. She said you were heading into town."

"Yeah, I've gotta go pick up the tractor. You want to come?"

"If you don't mind dropping by the grocery store. I'm running short on a few things that I need for tonight."

"Yeah sure. You can help me hitch the trailer."

Benny reached into the truck and grabbed the oh-shit handle and stepped up onto the running board. "Head on over. And don't try to whip me off."

Dean grinned. "No promises."

They made their way to where the trailer sat behind the barn. Dean could see Cas and Kevin loading manure into wheelbarrows, but blessedly the wind was carrying the smell away from them. Benny helped guide Dean as he backed the truck up to the trailer and in no time, they had it hitched and were on their way.

"So what was going on when I found you?" Benny said when they were on the open road, wind whipping through cab.

"It's nothing," he said, his hand twisting on the steering wheel. "It'll be fine."

"If there's something to be fine then it's not nothing," Benny reasoned and Dean shot him an irritated look. "Come on, Dean. It's clearly something. You looked like you were really hurting."

Dean sighed and stared at the road ahead for a moment. "Cas' cert isn't guaranteed."

Benny whistled low and long. "What happened?"

"Nothing happened. She's just worried because of how he was when he came in. You know what happens if he hurts someone after he leaves here."

"Yeah, I know." Benny was silent for a while before taking a deep breath. "You know I'm not one for platitudes, so I'm not just saying this to say it. I think he'll be okay, Dean. I really do."

"I believe it, too. It's just convincing Ellen."

"She's been doing this a long time. I think she'll be able to see how far he's come. And Pam - obviously she doesn't tell me anything they talk about - but I can tell that she's real impressed by him."

Dean sighed. "I'm counting her her being the one to really tip the scales in Cas' favor. He's gotta be certified. He can't…" Dean's voice broke and he swallowed. "I can't let him die."

"One day at a time, brother." Benny reached over to squeeze his shoulder and Dean gave him a smile of thanks.

The trip into town went smoothly. They went to the grocery store and then picked up the newly refurbished tractor. Dean pocketed the atrociously high invoice to give to Ellen and tried not to think about all the ways he'd like to feed Alastair Gibbons his own balls.

When they got back to Harvelle's, Dean decided he might as well mow the grass in the common area since he had the time. He hooked the brush hog up to the tractor and started taking down the forest that had cropped up. On his last pass, Rufus walked by and gave him a thumbs up, which made Dean laugh. That was high praise coming from the old grump.

Mostly, though, his mind was on Cas. Which, he thought, was actually pretty typical recently. He had Cas on the brain practically all the time. Sometimes, like now, he was worried about his future. Other times, he replayed their conversations, remembered the sound of Cas' laugh, or how soft his hair is. And sometimes, very rarely, he'd let himself wonder what Cas' lips would taste like, what his body would feel like naked beneath Dean's hands. Dean shook his head to stop his mind from going there. It felt wrong to think about Cas like that when the balance of power between them could never truly be equal.

Mowing job done, Dean headed to the communal bathroom to do a quick wipedown to get the dust and grass detritus off himself before heading to the kitchen. He spotted Cas sitting at one of the tables when he walked in, hunched over a book and some papers. Dean took a careful sniff, but the air quality seemed okay, so Cas must've showered.

Benny was in a rip roaring good mood for some reason, and dinner prep was a little more boisterous than usual. At one point he turned up the radio, some country song Dean didn't know, and grabbed Dean to dance him around the kitchen. Dean stepped on his feet at least half a dozen times before Benny let him go, laughing.

"How the hell are you such a bad dancer?"

"Dancing's not really my thing. I sit at the bar and watch other people dance."

When they were finally cleaned up, everything in the ovens, cooking, Dean left the kitchen, hoping Cas was still sitting at the table. Dean grinned when he saw that Cas was still there and went to plop himself in the seat next to him. Cas started and scrambled at his papers, shuffling them hurriedly.

Dean gave him a curious look. "Whatcha doing?"

Cas was blushing furiously, which intrigued Dean even further. "I'm trying to teach myself how to write."

"Jesus," Dean laughed. "You never stop impressing me." Cas blushed even harder and looked down at his papers. "What are you trying to write?"

"My name." At that, Cas went through the pile of papers carefully. He was definitely trying to shield them from Dean's view which made Dean burn with curiosity. Finally he pulled a page out and laid it on the table between them. "I don't know how it's spelled, so I've been trying to figure it out."

On the paper were spelling variations of Cas' name. He'd tried it with a K and a C. Two S's and one. The one Dean found most mind bending was Kassteaell. But it sort of floored him that no matter what letter combination Cas had chosen, when sounded out, they all were his name.

"The right one is on there," he said. "Want me to tell you which?"

Cas nodded eagerly. "Yes. It's been frustrating not being able to figure it out."

"Welcome to the wacky English language. It's this one, here." He pointed to the fourth one down where Cas had written CASTIEL in his awkward, blocky print.

Cas grinned at the spelling and then picked up his pen and proceeded to write it again at the bottom of the page. Dean noticed the strange way Cas was holding the pen.

"Is that comfortable?"

"What?"

"The way you're holding the pen. Is it comfortable?"

Cas looked at the pen clenched between his fingers. He had both the index and middle finger wrapped around the barrel with his thumb sitting on top. The whole weight of the pen was pressed against his ring finger and it just struck Dean as horribly uncomfortable.

"I guess I've never thought about it. I've tried to look at how people hold a writing utensil, but people write surprisingly little around me."

"Yeah," Dean agreed. "We're more of a doing bunch around here." Dean made a grabby hand. "Give me the pen."

Cas handed it over and Dean took it into the typical grip, barrel resting against his middle finger and pinched between his thumb and index finger. "This is how they teach people to hold it. You don't have to hold it this way if you don't want, but it might be more comfortable. Might give you more control, too."

Dean handed back the pen and Cas took it. It was awkward in his hand as he tried to copy Dean's grip. "Where was your thumb?"

Dean laughed. "Here, like this." He put his hands over Cas', used his fingers to curl Cas' properly, guided his other fingers into place. It was weirdly intimate, more so than anything else they'd done and Dean had to swallow when he pulled away. "Try that."

Cas wrote his name again and smiled. "Yes, that is more comfortable!"

"Show me what else you've been trying to write," Dean encouraged and Cas started to fidget.

"Um…" Cas' blush was back and Dean couldn't help but grin. He couldn't imagine what Cas would be trying to write that would cause this reaction, but he was _dying_ to know.

"What?"

"It's… I…" Dean had never seen Cas so discombobulated and if he blushed any harder he was going to spontaneously combust. Cas heaved a big sigh as he started going through his papers and finally slid one over to Dean. "Your name."

Dean looked down at the paper, the different iterations of both his first and last names, and felt his pulse start to pound. He looked up at Cas, but the angel was looking away, still blushing furiously. "Hey," he said, putting in hand on Cas' forearm. "This is awesome. You got my last name in one."

Cas chewed his bottom lip for a moment before turning back. "It was easier because it's mostly made up of two words I know." He still looked stupendously embarrassed so Dean pointed to the correct spelling of his own name.

"It's this one."

Cas picked up his pen and crossed out 'Deen' and 'Dien' and then rewrote Dean's full name. Dean watched him, his heart full of affection. He wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around Cas and hold him, murmur all his affection into his ear, and that's when it hit him.

He reached out and put his hand on Cas' shoulder and squeezed. "This is really awesome."

Cas smiled, his embarrassment finally fading. "I'm glad you like it. I wrote out the alphabet, too." He started shuffling through his papers again and Dean dropped his hand from Cas' shoulder. He scootched his chair a little bit closer to Cas as he showed Dean what he'd done. And Dean would gladly sit there for all eternity watching Cas be happy and animated as he explained his thought process. Like all of his moments with Cas, he wanted to absorb it, make it part of him so he could take it out later and remember. And he knew he'd be replaying this one a lot, just to re-experience the feeling of realizing he was in love.

He must have had a seriously dopey expression on his face because Cas did a double take and then asked, "What?"

"Nothing," he said softly. "It's just fun to see you so excited."

Cas blushed again and looked down. "This must be boring for you."

"No. It's the opposite."

Cas smiled and looked back up at him. "You are very gracious."

Dean chuckled and then snatched the pen. "Wanna see something that'll blow your mind?"

He took a piece of paper and wrote, in script, 'Dean and Castiel are sitting together in the cafeteria.'

Cas squinted at it for a long time. "Is this…" He pointed to his name. "Is that my name?"

"Yeah. It's called cursive."

Given the guide for the unfamiliar shape of the a, s, and e, Cas was able to read the rest of the message pretty easily. He pointed at the last word in the sentence, his brow furrowed. "Cafeteria?"

"Yeah."

"I thought it was just called the caf. What other slang have you taught me, letting me think they're real words?" Cas' face was grumpy, but Dean knew he was teasing.

He hissed in a breath between his teeth and pulled a face of faux contrition. "Ooh, sorry. Probably a lot."

"Wonderful." He looked back down at the paper. "Cursive is very beautiful."

Dean anticipated the next question. "I'll teach you."

As he was writing out the alphabet in cursive, people started coming in for dinner, and soon they were surrounded. Dean noticed that Cas tucked away the piece of paper with Dean's name all over it and smiled. No doubt if Gabriel saw that, neither of them would ever hear the end of it. Cas had everyone write down their names as Dean wrapped up the cursive alphabet.

Dean was quiet as they ate, preferring just to watch Cas, storing up every precious second. Because Cas _was_ going to get certified and have a long life. Dean couldn't accept anything else. Wouldn't.

After dinner, once he'd helped Benny clean up, he and Benny were supposed to meet Jo and Kevin out by the impala, but he was kind of regretting saying yes to going out. He'd rather stay here with Cas.

"Tell Jo I'll be out in a second," he told Benny and went in search of Cas. He found him in the rec room, papers spread around him again. He was painstakingly recreating the cursive Dean had written out for him. "Hey," he said, sitting down.

Cas looked up, surprised. "I thought you were going out."

"I see those jokers all the time. I thought, if you wanted, I could hang out here."

"Dean, you see _me_ all the time. Go out with your friends. I'm just going to practice writing."

"You sure?" Dean tried to will Cas to change his mind, but Cas just nodded.

"You're here all the time. Go have fun."

"I have fun with you," he said and Cas cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Sitting there watching me write, slowly, isn't fun. Go."

"Alright, alright. Have a good night."

Cas smiled brightly at him. "You too."

Dean ran his hand over Cas' shoulder as he left to meet everyone by the car.

"We good?" There was some general whooping and Dean grinned. "Then let's get the party started!"

The bar they favored looked like a dive from the outside, but inside it was clean and the beer was cold and the wings were plentiful.

"Dean, you just ate like a half hour ago," Kevin said when Dean ordered a platter.

"Hunger is immaterial, Kevin. You really should know that at this point."

It was good to just hang out with friends and shoot the shit. Dean had been spending practically every waking moment at Harvelle's, with Cas. He wouldn't change anything, but being out, having a beer, listening to Jo and Kevin bicker about baseball stats… it was good. The part of Dean that had been on edge since his conversation with Ellen that morning finally started to relax. The only thing he'd change would be to have Cas there. This bar didn't prohibit angels like some places did - they wouldn't go there if it did - but rescued angels were federally prohibited from leaving the rescue center until they were sold. Technically, while they were at the rescue, they didn't have an owner and because of the legal grey area that caused, it was just easier for the law to confine them. As with many of the rules of rescue, Dean thought it was shit.

Finally the evening started wearing down and everyone agreed it was time to head home. Dean and Benny in particular were fading fast since they were up the earliest. They paid their tab and headed out to Dean's car. They were halfway across the parking lot when they heard someone laugh.

"Well, well, if it isn't our good hearted rescuers. How's the old farmstead? Everything in tip top shape?"

Dean's stopped and his shoulders went tight. Benny automatically rested a hand on his arm.

"We don't need any trouble," he said softly to Dean. "Just keep walking."

Dean grunted but started moving again. Behind them, Alastair continued to taunt them.

"No, you certainly don't need any trouble. You're already troubled enough, working so closely with _angels_. It's disgusting."

Dean shook off Benny's restraining hand and whirled to face Alastair. "You know what's disgusting? An asshole who's so afraid of change that he has to hide in the dark and hurt people who are just trying to live their lives."

"People!" Alastair exclaimed. "They're angels, closer to animals than humans."

Dean advanced a couple of steps before he could stop himself. Arrayed behind Alastair were three of his lackeys. It'd be a fair fight, four on four, but Benny was right, they didn't need the trouble.

"Fuck you, Alastair. I'm not wasting my time on a dickhead like you."

As Dean was turning away, Alastair murmured, low enough so just Dean could hear, "Sure has been a dry summer. It'd be a shame if one of those buildings went up in flames."

Dean didn't remember moving, but the next thing he knew, everyone was shouting and Alastair was on the ground, Dean on top of him, punching him in the face. Someone grabbed him from behind and he tried to struggle out of the grip, to keep beating on the fuckhead in front of him, but the grip was strong and he was lifted off the ground.

He didn't see the sucker punch coming, but suddenly his mouth filled with blood and he was unceremoniously dropped to the ground. He looked up and saw Benny clocking the guy who'd just hit Dean and behind them, Jo was tangling with another guy.

"Dean, come on," Kevin said, putting his hand under Dean's arm. "You gotta get up, stop this."

But it already seemed to be coming to a halt. Benny shoved the guy he'd punched away and from where he was still sitting on the ground, Alastair signaled the other to quit. He grinned at Dean, his teeth covered in blood.

"I should have expected that from someone who hangs around with animals."

Dean climbed to his feet and glared at him. "I'm pretty sure that was a reasonable response to someone threatening arson and murder."

"I never said that." Alastair also stood. "Did anyone hear me say that?"

"If anything happens to Harvelle's, and I mean anything, I am tracking you down and buddy, you won't like what happens when I find you." Dean spat a glob of blood onto the ground. "Stay the fuck away from us."

He started backing away, not wanting to turn his back on them, and Benny and Jo did the same.

"What he said, fuckwits," Jo said and viciously flipped them a double bird.

"Oh my god, I am not cut out for fights," Kevin said when the were finally in the car.

Dean twisted in his seat to look back at him. "Did one of them hurt you?"

"No, but look!" He held up his hands which were trembling and Dean huffed a laugh.

"I think you'll be alright.

"How about you, brother? Looks like that guy got you pretty good."

Dean twisted the rearview mirror so he could get a look at his face. His lips were split in a few places and they were already starting to swell. Great.

"Yeah, I'm not gonna be as pretty as I usually am for a while." He put the mirror back in position and started the car.

"What did Alastair say to you?" Jo asked after a while. "You said arson and _murder_?"

"When I was walking away from him, he said something about how it's been a dry summer and wouldn't it be a shame if one of the buildings burned."

"That asshole," Benny growled. "If I'd known he said that, I wouldn't have pulled you off him."

"That was you? Thanks for dropping me."

"I dropped you so I could punch the guy who just broke your face."

"We've gotta tell the sheriff," Kevin piped up from the backseat. "That's a serious threat."

"Yeah, we'll tell her," Dean agreed. "Fat lot of good it'll do. Maybe she can send out a few more patrols our way, though."

They made the rest of the trip in silence. By the time he dropped everyone off at Harvelle's, his head was killing him and all he wanted was an ice pack and a glass of whisky. Sam was still up when he got home and launched off the couch when he saw his brother's face.

"Jesus, Dean! What happened?"

Dean opened the freezer and pulled out a bag of peas and pressed it gingerly against his jaw. "Alastair."

"Tell me you didn't start a fight with him."

Dean shot him a reproachful look as he pulled a glass out of the cabinet. "No, I was walking away when he threatened to burn down Harvelle's."

The way Sam's eyes bugged out would have been comical in a different situation. Dean pointed at Sam's face. "Exactly." He recounted the story as he poured his drink and went to sit on the couch.

Sam sat next to him, one leg pulled up so he could face Dean. "I'm thinking you might want to tell Cas a different story."

Shit. Dean hadn't even thought of how Cas would react. Sam knew how pissed Cas had been at the vandalism, Dean had confided that he'd been truly scared of what Cas might do. Seeing Dean's face busted up by the same people… Dean could only imagine his reaction wouldn't be good.

"He's sweet on you. You know he is," Sam continued. "If he knows that Alastair is responsible…"

He let that hang and Dean sighed. "I don't want to lie to him."

"Even if it's for his own good?"

Dean rubbed his forehead. "I don't know."

"Just think about it."

"Yeah," Dean said, staring into the middle distance. It felt so wrong to lie to Cas. He'd never lied to him about anything, but Sam had a point. He didn't want Cas to do something that guaranteed he wouldn't get his cert just because Dean hadn't been able to control himself. "I don't know," he said finally. "I'll sleep on it."

Sam nodded and stood. "Do you need anything? Want help pulling out your bed?"

"Nah, I'm good. You go to bed."

Sam hovered for another second before Dean shot him a dirty look. Sam held up his hands in surrender. "Night, Dean."

"Night, Sammy."

Dean was going to get up immediately and change into sleep clothes, pull out his bed, and get some shut eye, but what he did was sit there and nurse his drink, trying to decide what he was going to tell Cas. Lie or don't. Protect Cas from himself or don't. Those thoughts chased themselves around Dean's head over and over until, without noticing it was happening, he slumped over and fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - There's talk about the need to kill Cas if Ellen won't certify him.
> 
> Ellen. Please don't be too hard on her if you're mad that she'd have Cas put down. She doesn't *want* to but like she says, she'd do it in order to save the angels that come after Cas.
> 
> I know this is from the last chapter, but I wanted to include a note about why it's Alastair and Tom and not Alastair and Azazel. Obvi, Azazel would have been my choice, but Alastair is a name that's actually used in the world and Azazel is not. It kind of throws me out of the story when we're going along in a no-SPN AU and there's a dude named Azazel. So I used Azazel's right-hand man, Tom, instead!
> 
> English is a stupid language. The wind blows but we wind a toy. Read can rhyme with reed or red. Bough isn't pronounced nearly the same as cough, but it is the same as bow. Unless you're taking a bow. It's absurd. But I did have fun trying to think up different ways that Cas could spell his and Dean's names! And if you've got some time to kill, watch this great video from Mental Floss to get a glimpse into how English got this way - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhqr-GNNgGo


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On Thursday I was like, Yas! this chapter will be out today! And then I re-read it and was like, NOPE! This chapter has been rewritten more than any other thing I've ever written! I still have misgivings about it, but I'm mostly pleased with where it ended up.
> 
> That being said, I think we're rounding home, y'all!! I think maybe 2 chaps left? Time to narrow all your theories!!
> 
> There's a very mild warning in the end notes if you need to check.
> 
> Also, [Written_Rebellion](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Written_Rebellion/pseuds/Written_Rebellion), there's a little something in here for you, too. I hope you enjoy!! :D

Dean jerked awake the next morning at the sound of his alarm and immediately winced in pain. His whole body hurt, but his face felt like it'd gone through a meat grinder and there was a sharp pain in his neck. As he became more awake he realized his neck hurt because he was half slumped over on the couch, his head bent awkwardly against his shoulder.

He sat up to reach into his pocket for his phone, but groaned as his spine and seemingly every joint in his body protested the move. He must've really tied one on last night if he felt this shitty. He bit his lower lip to brace against the pain, but that was even fucking _worse_ and Dean released it with a pained grunt. He reached up to gently touch his lips and then it all came flooding back.

 _Fucking Alastair_ , Dean thought as he dropped his hand from his mouth in favor of digging his phone out of his pocket and silencing the alarm. He leaned across the couch to grab the charger for his phone and plugged it in before he tossed it onto the cushions. When that was done, he reached a hand around the back of his neck to massage the tight muscles there. He groaned and tried to stretch away the pain, but his whole goddamn body hurt. He dug his fingers into the muscles of his shoulder briefly before pushing to his feet and stumbling the few feet to to kitchen. He felt like he'd been on the world's biggest bender, but all he'd really done was gotten into a stupid, pointless fight. A glance at his knuckles reminded him that he'd gotten in enough good blows to at least make his own pain feel worthwhile. Alastair was probably feeling a lot worse today than Dean, and, though it hurt, Dean's lips twisted into a sadistic grin. Good. He wanted the fucker to suffer.

Without really paying attention, Dean found the ibuprofen in the cabinet and the juice in the fridge and slugged back four pills before bending at the waist and resting his head against his arm that rested on the counter. He took a little time to categorize all his pains - which ones might have arisen from the fight and which were because he'd slept like a wasted frat boy on the couch. Eventually, he decided there was just too much overlap and pushed himself up from the counter. A hot shower was what he needed.

He turned the water up as hot as he could stand and then reached up to adjust the stream until it pulsed out and hit his skin in warm thumps. He turned around and let the hot water pound his neck and shoulders. He'd laughed at Sam when he'd wanted to get the shower nozzle with a massage setting, but now Dean was thinking that he needed to apologize to the kid because this was actually fucking amazing.

As he turned slowly to get the water to hit different spots on his tight neck and shoulders, his mind turned to the question that had plagued him last night. What was he going to tell Cas about his face? He'd avoided looking in the mirror before he'd gotten into the shower, but he was sure it didn't look good. So, what would he tell Cas?

If he lied to Cas, told him he got in a fight with some random person, Cas would likely be unhappy with him, but he wouldn't be angry in the same way he would if he knew Alastair was involved. And maybe that was for the best. Cas was in a crucial period of his rehabilitation; the last two months had to be absolutely incident free. Even an outburst of anger could put his certification at risk, especially since Ellen was still on the fence about it.

Dean snarled angrily as he snatched the shampoo from the caddy. Cas should be allowed to get angry that Dean's face had gotten busted up, but because of the rules he couldn't. He had to be a pleasant, placid, docile angel and it was disgusting. But Dean needed to do everything he could to ensure that Cas would get his cert and get out of Harvelle's.

He sighed as he rinsed his hair. He guessed he'd made his decision about what he was going to tell Cas, but he didn't like it. He soaped his body roughly, angry, feeling like he'd been forced into this decision.

Later, when he pulled up outside Harvelle's, he took a moment to take a deep breath. He was about to intentionally lie to Cas and he felt like shit about it.

He helped Benny with breakfast prep and then went out to sit in his and Cas' normal spot to wait for him. He put his elbow on the table and leaned his forehead against his hand. He felt like a complete tool and he hated it, but the most important thing was keeping Cas safe.

A short while later, Cas sat down across from him. 

"Are you alright, Dean?" He sounded concerned and Dean firmed his resolve. He looked up and watched Cas' expression transform from one of concern to one of shock. "What happened?!

Dean grunted. "Got into a fight. "

Cas came around the table to sit next to Dean and lifted his hand to trail it gently down Dean's jaw. Dean suppressed a shudder and closed his eyes.

"With who?"

This was it. He just had to tell Cas that it was some random guy, no big deal. He opened his eyes and looked at Cas. Cas' gaze was so concerned, so full of affection and it was killing Dean that he was about to violate his trust. He reached up and grabbed Cas' hand and held onto it.

"It was… It was just some dick at the bar we went to."

Cas' brow furrowed. "Why would you fight with a stranger?"

Dean shrugged. "He was spouting off…" His voiced trailed off and he squeezed Cas' hand. "Cas." He couldn't do this, he couldn't lie to Cas. "Will you take a walk with me?"

Now Cas looked confused but he agreed. Outside, Dean led them to the top of the hill so they could at least have a little bit of privacy if Cas lost it.

"I have to tell you something, but I need you to keep a level head, alright? I need you stay cool."

Cas stared at him in confusion for a moment before his features went hard. "Who did this to you?"

"I think you already know who. But Cas, you've only got six weeks left to go. You can't even show any temper at this point, okay?"

"I'm not allowed to be angry over the fact that someone I care about was assaulted?"

Dean tried to diffuse things with a smirk. "If it makes you feel better, I guarantee you he looks worse."

"No, Dean, that doesn't make me feel better!" Cas shouted and Dean gestured for him to keep it down.

"I wasn't going to tell you, because I knew you'd be pissed and I didn't want anything to threaten you getting your cert, but I couldn't lie to you. I tried, and I knew I should because making sure you get out of here is the _most_ important thing, but I… I just couldn't lie to you. I didn't _want_ to. So please, Cas. When we go back down this hill, don't look angry."

Cas looked incredulous for about two seconds before he schooled his features. "I know there are rules," he growled. "I know there are things I must never do, but Dean." He stepped closer and grabbed Dean's arm. "Being angry that you're hurt… That's punishable?"

"Not…" Dean swallowed. "Not typically."

"I don't understand."

Dean sighed. He didn't really want to tell Cas where Ellen stood, but it was unavoidable, now. "Right now, as things stand, your certification isn't guaranteed."

Cas' eyes widened fractionally. "Really?"

"Yeah, really." Cas still had his hand on Dean's arm and now Dean reached up his opposite hand to grip Cas' arm. "Ellen's nervous. You were… we've never had anyone like you here. And you were so, so _hostile_ when you got here." Cas' hand drifted to Dean's shoulder, his thumb brushing over one of the spots where he'd impaled Dean.

"I'm sorry. I've never told you, but I… I remember doing this to you and I regret it deeply."

"Cas." Dean waited for Cas to look up at him. "It's okay. You were scared."

"No," Cas said, his voice quiet but fierce. "It's not okay."

Dean was aware how close they were to each other, but he didn't want to move, to put more distance between them. He tried not to think about how he wanted to press his mouth to Cas'.

"Hey, it happened to me and I say it's okay. And I forgive you. So don't feel guilty about it." Cas' fingers tightened around Dean's shoulder.

"Dean."

"You've gotta make it, Cas." Dean's voice caught with emotion and he swallowed. "I need you to get certified and get out of here. You can't… you can't die. I… it would..."

Cas tugged Dean into a hug and Dean clung to him. "I want to live, Dean. I won't let anything threaten that." He turned his head slightly and Dean felt Cas' lips brush against the skin of his neck when he said, "If I must pretend that I'm not angry, then I will do it."

Dean couldn't suppress the shudder that went through him and he heard Cas' breath hitch. It'd be easy, so easy, to pull back slightly and claim Cas' mouth. To finally feel and taste him. Dean ached to do it, and from the way Cas' hands were splayed against Dean's back, Dean thought Cas would let him. He squeezed Cas a little more tightly and Cas made a soft noise, his fingers tracing up and down Dean's back. Dean shivered again and Cas pulled back slightly.

"Are you alright?"

Dean huffed a laugh. He was painfully, acutely aware that their mouths were just an inch apart, that they were breathing each other's breath. "Yeah, I'm good." His voice was rough with desire and he forced himself to step back. Forced himself to drop his hands from Cas' shoulders, too. He felt cold, bereft. He wanted Cas back in his arms, exploring a tender first kiss, but instead he looked away awkwardly and nodded.

"I'm just… I'm sorry you have to pretend."

Cas was giving him a quizzical look, but finally said, "I'm not. I want to live, I want a life. I want to do something that brings me satisfaction. And Pamela has been helping me understand exactly what repercussions my actions after I leave here will have. I don't want to jeopardize Harvelle's. If masking my anger is what will convince Ellen that I am trustworthy, then that's what I'll do. It's a very small price to pay."

"It's not small. You have to… to _truncate_ yourself, your emotions, and it's not right."

"No." Cas stepped closer and put his hand on Dean's chest, right over his heart. "No, it's not right. But there are people like you working to fix it." Dean was breathless, soaking in the warmth of Cas' hand, and all he could do was nod. Cas smiled, bright and gorgeous, and Dean knew that he was one hundred percent gone on him. He would do anything to make him happy.

"Yeah. And one day you're gonna be free. I swear, Cas. Angels are going to be free."

"I believe you." He dropped his hand from Dean's chest, his gaze going inquisitive again. "Now how about we go back down to breakfast?"

"Yeah," Dean breathed. He was so fucking relieved that Cas _got_ it, that he would put on a happy face in order to help convince Ellen that he should be certified. "Yeah, let's go."

:::::::

Dean felt kind of awkward and shy around Cas for a while, after what felt to Dean like a near miss kiss. Cas didn't seem to be suffering from any such awkwardness, so he wondered if Cas had felt the same way about the moment. The only change in him had been that Dean would sometimes catch Cas looking at him like he was a puzzle Cas was trying to solve. It made Dean feel hot all over.

After a few days, though, the awkwardness faded and Dean found himself sitting at a table in the rec room after dinner, his arms dramatically splayed across the top, his head resting between them.

"Two and a half weeks, Cas," he said morosely.

"Yes, I know. You've been providing me with a daily countdown." He rubbed his fingers over the short hairs on the back of Dean's head.

"I haven't gotten the invites out yet."

"I know that, too, even though I addressed my half already."

Dean lifted his head to glare at him. "Don't be smug."

Cas smirked but squeezed Dean's arm encouragingly. "Come on, do it right now. It'll take you less than half the time it took me. And then you can put them in the mail tomorrow."

Dean pouted and dropped his head back down to the table. "Don't wanna."

"Yes you do. Do you want Sam showing up here expecting a party and finding no one?" Cas reasoned and Dean grunted.

"Maybe."

"Dean." Cas bent and laid his head on one of Dean's outstretched arms so he could see Dean's face. "Don't pout. Address your envelopes and I'll start stuffing the ones I've already addressed."

Dean sighed. "In two and a half weeks he'll be gone."

"And in a week and a half we'll have a party for him. Gabriel promised to perform his magic tricks." Dean groaned. "Samandriel offered to help Dumah with the decorations. Benny says he knows all of Sam's favorites and will make them. Zephon and Pamela said they would get the music together."

Dean looked at Cas and then slowly rose to sit upright, dislodging Cas' head. "You organized all that?"

"I promised I would help," Cas said, sitting up as well.

"Yeah, but…" Dean had been burying his head in the sand about Sam's impending departure, and part of that included avoiding planning his good-bye party. In his denial, Dean had already failed to throw Sam a graduation party, but this was bigger than that. This was Sam leaving the nest to become an adult. He was going away to _college_ , to make something of himself. It was Dean's job to send him off, not Cas', and he found himself inexplicably irritated. "That's my job."

Cas blinked at him, his mouth slightly open in shock. "That's what I thought."

Dean's lips tightened. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that when I mentioned party plans to people you had said you were going to ask, none of them knew anything about it."

"So you're checking up on me?"

A muscle in Cas' jaw visibly jumped before he spread his hands on the table and took a deep breath. "No, I just wanted to hear their ideas."

 _Stop, Dean_ , he scolded himself. _Shut up right now_. He knew he wasn't angry at Cas - he was, in fact, immeasurably grateful - but he _was_ angry and he couldn't stop the words from tumbling out. "And then you figured you'd just hijack the whole thing."

Cas' eyes narrowed and Dean could see the anger smoldering there, but Cas took another deep breath, consciously calming himself. Dean's brain was blaring red alerts at him. "You know that's not true. I just wanted to help."

"He's _my_ brother." Dean knew it was childish, but he couldn't stop himself, and his heart started racing as Cas pushed away from the table so fast that his chair nearly fell over. He scrambled to catch it and then turned back to Dean.

"I know you're scared and hurt, even though you won't come right out and say it," Cas said quietly, just for Dean to hear. "But don't take your frustrations out on me. I don't deserve it and I don't need my patience tested right now, not when I'm trying to appear to be a happy, mindless creature all of the time. And I especially don't need it tested by _you_." He tucked in his chair with exaggerated care. "Good night, Dean."

Dean watched him go, feeling like the world's biggest asshole. What the fuck was he doing? He _knew_ Cas was walking a tightrope as it was and he'd just fucking plucked it like it was a guitar string. Luckily, Cas had found some serious equanimity and had been able keep his cool despite Dean's provocations. He laid his head back down on the table and glared at nothing.

A rage he hadn't realized was building washed over him until he was trembling with it. What made it worse was that there wasn't anything he could point to and say, That, that's what's pissing me off. It was everything and nothing. It was his utter powerlessness in every aspect of his life that mattered. Sam was off to start his own life. Cas would leave and start his own soon after that. And then what? Dean would be left at Harvelle's fighting against what suddenly seemed like insurmountable obstacles. His life felt like an exercise in futility, always swimming against a current that inexorably pushed him further downstream.

Abruptly, Dean sat up and pushed his chair back. He didn't bother tucking it in neatly like Cas had. What the fuck, he figured. _He_ wasn't the one potentially on death row. He was just facing down the prospect of losing the last of his family and the angel he loved.

He was rougher than he would normally have been when he shifted his baby into reverse and peeled out of the parking lot. He put her into drive and floored it down highway 70, taking comfort in the roar of the Impala's engine and the fading glow of Broken Bow behind him. He hurt so much and he didn't know what to do with it. His pain was nothing when compared with Cas' and Sam was only going two states over. It was just over seven hundred miles away. Dean could make it there in half a day. Less, the way he normally drove. But Dean's life was busy, and Sam would be wrapped up in classes and a new city and new friends. They wouldn't see each other. And Cas… Dean felt guilty for even thinking that what he and Cas were dealing with was on the same level. Cas had been _tortured_ for _years_ ; Dean was just going to miss his little brother. Yet Cas was the one forcing himself to remain calm, tucking in his chair and addressing envelopes, while Dean lashed out and ran away like a child.

He gunned Baby at the thought, enjoying the sensation as inertia pressed him back against the seat. He turned north on US 183 and floored it, letting the roar of the wind and the engine clear his mind. It was only because of years of practice that he was able to stomp on the emergency brake in time to fishtail into a turn and release it before it turned into an all out spin. The Impala's rear-wheel drive kicked up a plume of dust and gravel on the unpaved side road before she caught and launched them forward.

Dean couldn't see jack shit, his headlights barely piercing the darkness, but he plowed on at full speed anyway, familiarity and the recklessness of youth emboldening him. He just wanted to escape his own head for a little while.

He finally brought his girl to rest in the middle of nowhere and killed her engine and headlights. The only sounds to be heard were the ticking of the Impala's engine as it cooled and the song of crickets and katydids. Dean closed the door behind him, the familiar creak of its hinges comforting, and walked away from the car, letting himself be engulfed in the anonymous noise of the night and the dark. When he was far enough away from his car, he sank down to the ground and sat crossed legged before looking up at the sky. The moon was sitting half full on the horizon, casting a diffuse orangish glow on the landscape, but Dean only had eyes for the stars. They were spread across the night sky in such an abundance that for a while, his eyes couldn't differentiate between them. But as his night vision came in, everything grew sharper until he was able to pick out different configurations.

The Milky Way blazing across the sky caught his eye first and it never failed to take his breath away. From there he found Polaris, Vega, Deneb, and Antares. His eyes traced the familiar summer constellations. Astronomy was a pet subject of his, though no one knew it. Sam, as he always asserted, was the smart one. Dean only had his GED because Ellen had basically forced him into it. But still. He loved reading about space and astronomy and he had the constellations of all the seasons etched into his brain. There was a jealously guarded place within his memory where his mom held him in her lap and pointed out  the constellations and explained how the planets moved through them. He remembered the first time his mom had shown him the rings of Saturn through her old Dobsonian. He'd stared in wonder until they'd had to move the telescope so he could keep watching. Dean had felt so small as he watched the universe wander through the eyepiece of his mother's telescope, but also a perfect part of everything.

He wished he could regain that sort of peace now. He hadn't looked through a telescope since his mom had died. His father had had no interest in astronomy and with money as tight as it was after they moved to Broken Bow, his father had sold the telescope. Once Dean was old enough to make financial decisions for himself, their father was dead and Dean had needed to take care of Sam. Looking up at the sky now, though, his heart ached. He hadn't forgotten anything over the years because he was always looking up, mapping in his mind where things would be even if he couldn't see because of light pollution or lack of magnification. And almost every night, he'd look for Ursa Major and let its bowl guide his eye to the north star. No matter what he lost, he always had that.

Dean's eyes tracked back to Polaris, toward the Big Dipper, swinging low in the sky because it was late summer. Late summer. That reminded him that Sam would be leaving soon and Dean closed his eyes, head still tipped back. Sam deserved to go, Dean didn't have any reservations about that. And god, he was so proud of him, but he didn't want to let him go. He didn't want to be left alone.

 _Stop being so selfish_ , he thought angrily. Sam and Cas both deserved to go and have their lives and they didn't deserve Dean's neediness like an albatross, weighing them down. He needed to get his shit together and apologize to Cas and then thank him for doing everything that Dean should have done. He needed to hug Sam and then let him go. God but it hurt. _Nothing compared to Cas_ , he reminded himself. He needed to remember that, because the last one he should be lashing out at was Cas.

He sat under the stars for a long while, watching them, trying to come to terms with losing the two most important people in his life almost simultaneously, and reminding himself that his hurt feelings were small in the grand scheme of things. Finally, when the drag of exhaustion became too much, he walked back to the Impala and drove home.

:::::::

The next morning, Dean arrived at Harvelle's early. He felt like he had his head screwed on right again and he wanted to find Cas to apologize. He was heading to the barn when he heard Cas shout, "Hey!"

Curious, Dean walked a little faster.

"Come back here!" Cas shouted.

Concern sped Dean's heart and he broke into a jog. Was Cas having an argument with someone? He rounded the corner of the barn and stopped dead in his tracks. Whatever he'd been expecting, it wasn't this. Cas was trotting after Eos who in turn was prancing away from him, her head bobbing, the red hoodie Cas favored caught in her mouth.

"Eos," Cas said sternly, "drop it."

Dean laughed to himself because she wasn't a dog and besides, it looked like she was enjoying the chase. She slowed slightly, but when Cas caught up to her, she took off, spindly legs flying every which way. Cas gave a wordless shout and ran after her. The filly bounced, clearly thrilled, and Cas was grinning like a maniac.

"I will catch you," he promised, laughing, but Eos turned on a dime and started toward the other end of the corral. Dean's jaw dropped when Cas spread his wings, using one to slow himself and the other as a rudder to turn quickly. When he was turned, he gave them a powerful flap and launched himself after Eos. Dean watched Cas chase the filly around the corral for several minutes, a smile growing on his face. Cas had been careful about his wings, keeping them close to his body, but not so close that he looked tense, and keeping them arched in a neutral position, neither too low so he looked sad nor too high so he looked agitated. It was constantly on his mind and Dean knew he found it irritating and exhausting, but it was part of the price Cas was willing to pay. But now he was spreading his wings joyfully, flexing their muscles to help him chase the thieving filly, and it was beautiful to watch.

Finally Eos slowed and stopped, her sides heaving, and dropped the hoodie. Cas walked up to her and scratched her neck briefly before bending and picking up the hoodie she'd dropped.

"You slobbered on it," he said as he shook it out and then tied it around his waist. He put his hand on Eos' chest to check her temperature. "And you're hot. Come on, let's walk you out a little." He'd hooked his fingers into her halter and turned toward the barn when he suddenly saw Dean. "Oh."

He sounded a little embarrassed and not exactly pleased and that killed Dean. "Hey, Cas." He smiled tentatively. "Got your hoodie back?"

Cas looked at it and then back up at Dean. "Yes. I had it tied around my waist but she likes to tug on it. She finally got it loose."

The explanation had been more than Dean had been expecting and it eased the tension in his chest a little. "She probably smells sugar cube residue in your pocket."

That got a laugh out of him. "Probably. You seem to have… gotten your head out of your ass."

Now a laugh was startled out of Dean. He loved it when Cas tried out new expressions. "Yeah, I have. I'm sorry, Cas. You were right, you don't deserve to have me take out my… _whatever_ on you."

Cas nodded. "Come with me. I need to walk Eos until she cools off."

Dean followed him into the barn where he pulled a lead off a peg. "Why can't you just let her walk around on her own?"

"She's hot and thirsty," he explained as he clipped the lead to her halter. "Left to her own devices, she would likely drink too much water too fast and colic." He led Eos to the water trough and let her drink a bit before pulling her away to walk her around the corral. Dean followed.

"You know so much about horses," he commented and Cas shrugged.

"Kevin is a good teacher and he's lent me several books. Now, we're going to talk about your ' _whatever_.'"

"What?"

"You and your unwillingness to talk about what's bothering you. I won't be abused by you because you refuse to allow yourself to express your emotions."

Dean sucked in a breath at that. That Cas had felt abused by him. "Shit, Cas, I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. And I know you're already under a lot of pressure."

"Yes, but now we're talking about you. What happened last night?" They followed the curve of the fence, Eos walking calmly between them.

"It's nothing, I'll be fine."

Cas shot him an irritated look before schooling his features. "What did I just say?"

"You've gotta think about yourself right now, Cas. It doesn't matter what's going on with me. I'll be fine," he said again and Cas snorted.

"You can't be serious."

Dean looked at him over Eos' neck. Cas looked completely dumbstruck. "What?"

"Am I your friend?"

"What? Yeah, of course."

"Good." Cas nodded. "Do you care about what happens to me?"

"How can you even…" Dean started, but Cas interrupted.

"Just answer me."

"Yeah, Cas. Of course I care what happens to you."

" _Of course_?" Cas challenged. "Why?"

"Because you're my friend."

"And you are mine, Dean." Cas caught Dean's eye and Dean was suddenly really glad there was a baby horse between them because Cas looked _fierce_. "So I care what happens to you, Dean. Trying to hide your feelings and telling me that you'll be fine doesn't make me feel better, because I know it's a lie. So are you going to keep causing me stress or will you tell me what's wrong?"

Dean was taken aback for half a second before he jabbed a finger at Cas. "You _played_ me!"

"Did I? I just want to know what's wrong with my friend."

Dean grunted and looked down at the ground. After a few paces he tried, "I'll really be fine."

Cas stumbled into Eos and spread his wing to make it look like he was trying to balance himself, but he really used it to hide the fact that he reached over and smacked Dean on the back of his head. Dean looked over at him, betrayed.

"Oh, come on, really?" Dean cried

"Yes, really," Cas hissed. "You are being an insufferable child! You can pout over a thousand different things, but whatever happens to me, I must be pleasant. That's not _easy_ for me, Dean. My first instinct is to fight back, but I _can't_. I'm still angry that you were hurt, but I can't show it. I want to throttle you because you seem to have this idea that your feelings don't matter, but I _can't_. Everywhere I turn there's something I can't do and I must monitor every wing twitch and facial expression. But I accept it and capitulate because I want to have a life beyond Harvelle's. You, however," Cas started and then stopped. He led Eos back over to the water and let her have a few more sips. "You can be angry all you want," he said finally. "You can get into a fight and no one notices. I can't even express what's in my heart." He looked at Dean. "And my heart is concerned for you."

Dean knew about privilege, had read about it, but this was the first time that he'd experienced it so viscerally. Cas was right. Dean could be as pouty and moody and angry as he wanted without consequence, but Cas couldn't. Dean could be a whole giant bag of dicks to anyone he wanted, but Cas didn't have that luxury.

"Shit," Dean breathed. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize to me, Dean. Just talk to me."

Dean took a deep breath and searched for what to say. He must have looked like he was struggling because Cas finally said, "Why don't you tell me why you were angry last night."

That was simultaneously a simple and complicated answer. Dean sighed. "You already nailed it when you said I'm scared and hurt," he said softly. "I've been taking care of Sam practically my whole life and now he's leaving. I don't know what I'm going to do without him here. It's like… I don't know who I am without him."

"Then you'll find out," Cas said reasonably. "You have friends here who care about you, who will help you." Dean's lips twisted in doubt and Cas sighed. "I don't think you realized how loved you are by those around you."

Dean's heart clenched. He wanted to believe that Cas included himself in that statement. "I can't let everybody focus on me when they have their own stuff going on."

Cas made a frustrated sound. "They want to, Dean. You're not an obligation or a chore. You're an amazing, generous man. You give of yourself freely and gladly every day. You need to let yourself accept that others want to do the same for you."

Dean made a noncommittal sound and Cas reach over Eos' neck to put his hand on Dean's shoulder.

"Why don't you believe you're worthy of that? Because you are, Dean. You're so worthy."

With Cas looking at him like he was now, like Dean was the most important thing to him, he could almost believe it. It made him want to tell Cas the scariest thing of all - that he felt utterly worthless and he didn't even know why. About how he always tried so hard and it never seemed to be enough.

"I appreciate that, Cas. Really." Cas squeezed his shoulder before letting go. "And I promise, I won't take anything out on you again."

"That's not what this was about, Dean." Cas sounded weary, but he seemed to sense that Dean had reached his limit. "But I appreciate it."

Dean nodded, glad that the spotlight seemed to be off him. "And really, thank you for organizing everything you did. I've had my head up my ass on a lot of fronts."

"I was glad to do it. It was fun. I had no idea organizing a party took so much effort. Everything I put into place made me realize there was more to do."

"Well, I'm bringing you your very own bottle of champagne that you don't have to share with anyone."

"What's champagne?"

"The official drink of celebrations everywhere. If you hate it, we'll give it to Kevin. Kid's _hilarious_ when he's drunk on it."

They made two more circuits of the corral before Cas unhooked Eos' lead and let her wander over to the water trough on her own.

He sighed. "I'm starting to take notice of all the things I'm going to miss when I leave here."

"Oh yeah?" Dean tried to sound casual, but he wasn't entirely sure he made it.

Cas hummed, eyes still on the filly. "I will miss Eos a great deal. Helping to bring her into the world, helping to raise and guide her so she felt safe and trusted those around her… She fixed something in me that I thought… I thought I would always feel rage. I was afraid that I would never be able to touch another living thing with care and respect and love. But she was so fragile when she was born." He stopped and licked his lips. "I've killed horses. Early on, I mostly fought animals and humans. Stallions were a favorite for a while. I remember…" His voice caught and he shook his head. "Nurturing this little one…" Eos had made her way back over to them and was snuffling at their pockets, in search of treats. "I think she taught me what it feels like to care, to love."

Dean's throat was constricted with emotion. "You think?"

Cas grabbed for Dean's hand and squeezed. "It was a foreign emotion to me. I don't remember my mother. I was raised in a clutch of males. We fought all the time over everything. There was never enough food or water. They wanted to weed out the weak ones early. I never trusted anyone and I never cared about anyone. I don't know what it feels like to care, to love. But I think what I feel for Eos is love. I would give my life to protect her. Is that love?"

He turned to look at Dean, and Dean could only stare at him longingly and squeeze his hand. "Yeah, Cas," he said, finally. "That's love."

Cas looked down and ran his fingers through the tangled strands of Eos' mane. "I would give my life to protect you."

If he squeezed any harder, Dean thought he'd rip Cas' fingers off. But he had to respond. He couldn't leave Cas out there on that conversational cliff on his own. "Me too. I… I'd die for you, too."

Cas continued to finger-comb Eos' mane for a few long moments. "You've already proven that a dozen times over. When I was in the first room… every time you walked in I wondered how best I could kill you. You were so stupid to trust me like you did."

"Stupid's my specialty," Dean joked and Cas jerked on Dean's hand where he held it.

"Don't say that. You're not stupid. You're brave and trusting and brave…"

Dean huffed a laugh. "You said that already."

Cas snarled and twisted Dean's wrist, pulling him closer. "You're so infuriating."

Dean smirked. "Well, now, that's _really_ my specialty."

"Yes," Cas said after studying Dean's features for a moment. He released Dean's hand and hooked his fingers in Eos' halter again. "I have to put her up. I'll meet you in the cafeteria?"

"Sounds good." He chucked Cas on the shoulder. "See you in a bit?"

"I'll be there."

"Okay," Dean said. "Okay, good." He made his way to the caf to help with breakfast prep and then to wait for Cas. He pondered everything Cas had said, all the way from that Dean buried his emotions to the fact that Cas had essentially said that he loved him. Despite their conversation, Dean tried to stuff what Cas had said down low. He justified it a million different ways - Cas didn't know what he was saying, Cas didn't mean that kind of love. Because if Cas loved him and was leaving him… Dean didn't know how to deal with that, so he decided not to.

He whipped eggs furiously and chopped scallions. Eventually, he even kicked Benny off the griddle so the bacon could be cooked right for once. Anything to keep his mind off Cas.

Anything to scrub the memory of Cas saying that he would give his life for Dean's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of Dean being Dean at his worst. That means extreme lack of self worth. Please break out the blankets and ice cream because he (and potentially you!) needs them!
> 
> Ahahahaha! Yeah, Dean is sitting in a field in July/August in Nebraska and he isn't being eaten alive by mosquitoes. This is a blatant fallacy and I would like to direct you to the entry on disbelief, suspension of. I have lived where mosquitoes are TERRIBLE and Dean would have been TORMENTED in this scene, but I wanted him to be tormented by his own mind instead, so I deleted the mosquitoes. Were they so easy to delete in real life!
> 
> And hey, you've been wondering what Eos looks like, right? Well - http://www.horsechannel.com/images/horse-news-article-images/foal-buck_1000.jpg


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter essentially in one go in a few hours last night. Few chapters of this story have been that easy to write! It reads fast, too.
> 
> There's a warning in the end notes for something that's already been warned on, but I figured better safe than sorry.
> 
> Other than that - hold onto your seats, gang!

Dean was sweating and miserable in the sun, spreading mulch in one of the garden beds. This was _so_ not his gig, but the angel whose job it was had been released to his new owner yesterday and had asked Dean to do it. And Dean, like the sucker he was, had agreed to. He'd thought doing it right after breakfast would be a good idea, but it was already hot and there wasn't a single cloud in the sky. To distract himself, he thought about how good it was going to feel when he put his head under the hose.

He heard someone coming up behind him and turned to look, smiling when he saw Cas. "Hey, what's up?"

Cas bit his lip and rubbed his hand over his thigh nervously.

Dean stood quickly. "What's wrong?"

"Ellen asked to meet with me this afternoon, just before lunch." His eyes were wide. "What do I say?"

"This is good, Cas. And just be yourself."

Cas arched an eyebrow at Dean. "I want to pass this interview."

"Oh, stop it." Dean smacked his arm with a dirty glove and then made a face. "Oops, sorry." He took the glove off and tried to brush off Cas' sleeve, but a dark smudge remained.

"Don't worry, I was going to shower and change before I saw her anyway. I don't want to smell like the barn." He looked anxious again. "But really, Dean, what will she ask me? What if I give the wrong answers?"

"Come here." Dean tugged on Cas' arm so they could sit in the shade. "Listen to me, you don't need to worry. You're not going to give any wrong answers because you can't. You don't want to endanger Harvelle's, and you want to leave here and start a new life."

A shadow passed over Cas' face, but it was gone before Dean could process it. "Yes, but… what if I get confused and say something I shouldn't?"

"With that giant brain in your head? You're crazy smart, Cas. You're not going to get confused. Do you know if she's talked to Pam or Kevin yet?" 

He shook his head. "Neither of them have mentioned anything." He rubbed his palms over his thighs again. "I'm so nervous. I want to do well."

Dean put his hand over Cas' and squeezed. "You will, Cas. You're gonna be great."

Cas gave him a wobbly smile and Dean felt such a huge rush of affection. God, he just wanted to wrap Cas in his arms and kiss the worry off his face.

"Want to hang out with me until it's time? You can help me lay down the mulch."

"You don't mind?"

Dean made a _pft_ sound. "When have I ever minded hanging out with you?" That got Cas to smile shyly and made Dean want to kiss him even more. "Let's get you a pair of gloves."

They went to the shed so Cas could get some gloves and then they went back to the vegetable beds to spread the mulch.

"What purpose does this serve?" Cas asked after a while.

"Beats the hell out of me. Japhiel was released yesterday and asked me to do this. He said something about water or something. We're going to have to find someone who wants to take over gardening duties."

"The new angel who came in a few days ago, Muriel," Cas suggested. "I believe she would enjoy this."

"Great, I'll ask her. You've become quite the welcome wagon."

Cas shrugged, but Dean could see him blushing. "She looked scared."

"And that right there is why this interview with Ellen will be a breeze." 

Cas shot him a grateful look before looking back down. They worked in companionable silence for a while, occasionally opening a new bag of mulch. Dean wondered about this meeting with Ellen. He'd been surprised when Cas told him. Ellen did exit interviews with all the angels, but that was usually more to find out how their experience at Harvelle's had been and to help them choose the person who would hold their papers, but that was typically a couple of weeks before they were scheduled to leave. Cas still had five weeks left. He couldn't think of anything that had happened that would make Ellen worried; Cas had been a model resident. He wasn't really _concerned_. More like curious. Regardless of Ellen's intentions, he knew that Cas would sail through.

"Man," he said a while later, sitting back on his heels and stretching his aching back. "Gardening blows. I can't believe there are people who enjoy this."

"There's something soothing about it. I can understand."

Dean grunted. "Weirdo."

Cas laughed and continue to carefully spread out the mulch, making sure it didn't touch the stalks of the plants. Dean had sort of been trying to take Cas' advice to heart, to talk when he'd normally keep silent. He didn't like it - it made him feel like he was dumping on Cas - but every time he did it, Cas was pleased and encouraged him to say more. Yesterday, Sam had started boxing up some of his belongings, gotten out the big suitcase. Dean had had to leave the apartment because he couldn't take it. It was bothering him, _a lot_ , and he knew it was the kind of thing he should talk about.

He bent back over to keep spreading mulch and took a deep breath. "Sam started packing."

Cas stopped and looked over at him. Dean resolutely kept his eyes on the ground. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm…" He stopped and bit his lips. He didn't bring it up just to play the 'I'm fine' game. He sighed. "I'm pissed."

Cas didn't say anything and Dean scowled. Cas knew that silence was the most surefire way to get Dean to spill. 

"Why does he have to be so fucking eager to leave? It's like he can't fucking wait to get out of here."

"He's excited." Cas shifted to sit cross legged, facing Dean. "He's excited to start a new adventure, not to leave you."

Dean laughed hollowly and gave up on mulching to sit. "That's not how it feels. He's barely even at home. He's spending all his time with his friends. The people he's _actually_ going to miss." He tossed a piece of mulch he'd been fiddling with.

"He's going to miss you, Dean, but he's eighteen and you're like a parent."

"Yeah, I know. I've spent the last three years being the only one to nag him about homework and making him clean his room." He sighed. "I just wish it seemed like it was a little hard for him to leave me in the dust."

Cas reached out and put his hand on Dean's knee. "He'll miss you. I've seen you together, he loves you and looks up to you."

"What?" Dean snorted. "He's the smart one, why would he look up to me?"

Cas gave him a stern look. "There's much about you that's admirable, Dean. You don't give yourself enough credit."

"Yeah, yeah." The alarm on Dean's phone went off and he reached into his pocket for it. "Saved by the bell," he said with a grin, but Cas was looking anxious again. "Hey, there's a lot that's admirable about you, too. You're gonna be fine, Cas. Go get cleaned up."

Cas climbed to his feet but hesitated. "Will you… will you be here when I'm done?"

Dean stood and put his hands on Cas' shoulders. "Of course." He gave him an encouraging squeeze then grinned. "Go get 'er, tiger."

Cas smiled nervously and nodded. "See you in a little bit."

Dean watched him go and silently wished him well. He wasn't nervous, but he couldn't wait to hear what they talked about. But there was no point in just sitting there and waiting for Cas to come back, so he got back down on the ground and continued to spread the mulch. Thirty minutes later he was done and stepped back to admire his handiwork. He didn't really know what the mulch was for, but now that it was done, he had to say it looked pretty awesome. He decided to kill more time and water everything. That took another twenty minutes and Cas still wasn't back. Now he was starting to get a little nervous.

"It's fine," he said out loud. "They're just having a nice long chat."

With everything done in the garden, he figured he might as well head over to the offices so he'd be right there when Cas got out. He'd just started over when he saw Cas hurrying toward him. He looked distressed and Dean's pulse kicked up.

"Cas? You alright?" Dean called because he needed to know right now why Cas looked like he was about to fall apart.

When they reached each other, Cas simply nodded and fell into Dean's arms. He was trembling and when Dean brushed his fingers through Cas' hair, he sobbed softly.

"Jesus, Cas, tell me what's wrong." Cas gripped him tighter and Dean shushed him gently. "It's alright, baby, I've got you. I've got you. Just tell me what happened. Did something go wrong?"

He couldn't even imagine what would have caused this. Certainly Ellen wouldn't have told him at this point that she wasn't going to certify him. She wasn't cruel. But clearly something had happened and it was killing Dean to see Cas like this. He kept speaking softly to him, reassuring him, while holding him close. Slowly, the trembling abated.

"It's okay, Cas. Whatever happened we'll work it out together, alright?"

Cas sobbed again, but this time Dean could hear that there was a laugh in there. "There's nothing to work out," he said, his voice watery and tight. "She's going to certify me." His voice broke and he pressed his face into the crook of Dean's neck.

Dean squeezed him more tightly, feeling tears well in his own eyes. Cas was going to make it. He was going to live a long, happy life, and Dean was so overwhelmed with gratitude at that fact that he barely registered the sting of Cas doing it without him.

"Thank you, Dean," he murmured against Dean's skin. "I couldn't have done it without you."

"Anything, Cas," Dean said softly, his lips pressed against Cas' temple. "Anything you need, I'll give you."

A small smile tugged at his lips as he saw Cas' wings fluff. He didn't do that often and it always made Dean happy if he was the one to cause it. But then his eyes went wide in amazement as Cas lifted his wings and brought them forward, cocooning them. The feathers brushed Dean's arms and he shivered and closed his eyes.

He didn't know how long they stayed like that, holding each other, sheltered from the world by Cas' wings, but Dean could have let it go on forever. Cas felt warm and perfect against him and his hair was soft beneath Dean's lips and if this was the most he ever got with him, he'd be grateful.

Eventually they pulled apart and Cas drew his wings back, wiping at his face self consciously.

"I'm sorry. I didn't expect to be so overcome."

"Don't be sorry," Dean said, wiping at his own face. "That's big news. That's _great_ news! But for a second there you had me thinking that something bad had happened."

"I'm sorry," he said again. "But it was all I could do to not burst into tears in Ellen's office. And then I saw you and all I wanted was…" His eyes welled up again, but he blinked them away. "I wasn't expecting her to tell me that. She presented me with options for who would buy my papers. Can we go to the cafeteria? I'm _starving_ all of a sudden."

"Adrenaline," Dean said as they started toward the main building. "So did any of the jobs look like something you'd enjoy?"

Cas nodded enthusiastically. "She had talked with Kevin, and he told her how much I enjoyed working with the horses and that I was very good at it. There's a horse ranch that I could go to in Wyoming or a cattle ranch in Texas."

"That's really great, Cas." He tried to sound enthusiastic, but all he could think was how far away Cas would be. He felt Cas' gaze on him and plastered on a smile. "I'm happy for you, I really am. I'm… I'm just going to miss you."

"I'll miss you, too. But surely we can visit and write."

"Yeah, definitely," Dean promised, but he knew it wouldn't happen that way. Just like Sam, Cas would be wrapped up in starting a new life and Dean would be far from his thoughts. Eventually, he wouldn't be there at all. "But that's still over a month away. We don't have to think about it until then."

They chatted about nothing while they waited in line. At one point, Jo passed them by and gave them a concerned look.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah," Dean said, confused. "Why?"

"Saw you guys hugging it out in the quad, thought maybe something had happened."

Dean felt himself go beet red but pretended it wasn't happening. "Oh yeah, everything's fine. Cas, you want to tell her the news?"

Cas was also an impressive shade of red, but he smiled broadly. "Your mother told me that she will be certifying me."

Jo screeched and opened her arms for a hug. Cas stepped in to give her one and Jo rocked them enthusiastically from side to side.

"I'm so happy to hear that! I knew you'd make it, but it must feel good knowing for sure," she said after she'd stepped back.

"Yes, very."

"Good job, dude." She punched him lightly on the shoulder and then turned to Dean and punched him much harder. "You, too, dickbag."

Dean rubbed his shoulder as she walked away. "She has a seriously nasty jab."

"You have a very interesting relationship," Cas observed and Dean laughed.

"Yeah, she had a crush on me for a while and then I sort of had one on her, but she's too much like my little sister for it to have gone anywhere."

They gathered their food, and by unspoken agreement sat alone at one of the tables, away from everyone else. They made conversation about everything and nothing, easy in each other's company. Dean kept remembering how it had felt to be sheltered away from everything by Cas' wings, how silky the feathers had felt against his skin. And then he wondered how many people had seen them. They'd been right out in the open, so potentially quite a few. But he found that he didn't really care. Cas had needed him and he would give him anything he could.

Time was marching steadily on to when all their lives would change irrevocably. He knew he was going to be left with a huge hole in his heart, but Sam and Cas would build lives that they loved and he wanted that for them. He would let them go so they could be happy, and he would be there if they ever decided they wanted to come back.

:::::::

The day of Sam's party, Dean hit the ground running. In between cooking regular meals, he and Benny worked on the food for that night. Dean had invited practically the entire world. Everyone at Harvelle's was invited, plus all of Sam's friends and the members of his debate and basketball teams. When there was something of a lull, he ran into town to get the cake, since neither he nor Benny felt confident cooking one.

He'd barely had time to say two words to Cas which seriously bummed him out. But Cas was busy, too, making sure that everyone knew what they were doing that night, and generally helping as much as he could when he wasn't working in the barn.

Finally, though, party time rolled around and Dean looked around with a satisfied grin. People were already milling around, talking and laughing, piling their plates high with food. Zephon was in the corner playing DJ and Gabriel did some magic trick that made the assemblage of girls around him burst into giggles. At least Dean _hoped_ it was a magic trick.

"It looks like it all came together," Cas said as he came to stand next to Dean.

"Sure does. Thanks for your help, Cas. I couldn't have done it without you."

Cas smiled at him warmly and Dean melted a little. "You're very welcome."

The night ended up being _fun_ , which Dean hadn't been expecting. One of Sam's friends taught everyone the Cotton-Eyed Joe and then made them all do it. Dean had to stop at one point because he was laughing so hard. Then Ellen and Bobby got in on the act, each trying to outdo the other with the intricacies of their footwork, everyone egging them on, until Bobby finally conceded defeat.

"No one beats me in my own house!" Ellen shouted when they were done. There was more dancing, a lot of eating, and finally cake and champagne. Even the teenagers got a sip.

"How do you like it?" Dean asked after Cas had taken a sip. They were sitting along the wall, out of the way of everyone still dancing.

Cas wrinkled his nose. "It tickles." He took another sip and looked at the glass. "I think I like it."

"I'm glad." He lifted his glass toward Cas. "Here's to getting your cert."

Cas smiled and touched his glass to Dean's like Dean had shown him earlier when they'd toasted Sam. He sighed happily and leaned into Dean so their shoulders were pressed together.

"This was fun."

Dean pressed back. "Yeah, it really was." He sighed. "I still can't believe that kid is going to Chicago."

"He was telling me about the University. He's very excited."

"I don't think he's worn anything but University of Chicago shirts for a week now." Dean shook his head. "He's gonna do so great." Dean's eyes followed Sam where he was dancing like a doofus with his friends. "I'm going to miss him so much and he's going to forget all about me."

"No one could ever forget you, Dean. You are the brightest star here. You're utterly unforgettable."

Dean turned to look at Cas. He looked so concerned for Dean, so full of affection and earnest desire that Dean believe him, that Dean couldn't even scoff. He reached over and threaded his fingers through Cas'. "Thank you. That means a lot to me. E...especially coming from you."

Cas smiled and squeezed his hand before looking back out at everyone dancing. Dean leaned his head back against the wall and tried to look at Cas without looking like he was looking. He just wanted to soak him in, like the skin of his hand soaked up Cas' warmth. He wanted to be able to remember every second of this, sitting there, tired but happy, holding hands with the angel he was so desperately in love with.

And maybe Cas was right. Maybe they wouldn't forget about him. Maybe he and Cas would write and talk on the phone. Maybe Sam would bring a new girlfriend home for the holidays. It felt strange to think that that was possible, to think that though they were moving on they wouldn't leave him behind. Cas believed it so strongly, maybe Dean should, too.

He sat up and tugged on Cas' hand. "Hey, I want to show you something."

"Okay."

Dean led them out of the main building and then around the side of the barn, so it would block the light. The crickets and katydids were singing in full force, letting them know the next day would be a hot one.

"Just let your eyes adjust for a second."

"What am I supposed to see in the dark?"

Dean grinned. "You'll see." It was a perfect night for stargazing. It was a new moon and the summer sky was crystal clear. "Alright, do you feel like your eyes have adjusted to the dark?"

"As much as they can," Cas said, clearly mystified by what they were doing.

"Good. Then look up." Dean watched Cas' face as he looked at the sky. Really looked at it. Dean was always surprised by how few people looked up to see the wonderment above them. Cas' eyes grew wide and his mouth fell open on a soft, "Oh."

"That white smudge going across the whole sky is the milky way. It's one of the arms of our galaxy." Dean's voice was hushed. "That light is millions of years old. Some of the stars we're seeing don't even exist anymore, but it takes their light that long to get to us." He lifted his arm to point out the stars of the Big Dipper. "See them?"

Cas nodded. "I think so."

"Follow those two from the front of the bowl up." He drew his hand up, drawing and invisible line for Cas to follow, and then stopped. "That faint one there is Polaris, the northern star. If you can find that, you'll always know which direction you're headed."

"I didn't realize there were patterns to them. Show me more."

Dean pointed out all the constellations they could see and then Mars and Venus. They held hands the whole time, their heads close together so Cas could more clearly see what Dean was pointing at. Dean could smell the soap on Cas skin and the shampoo in his hair. He smelled clean and wonderful and Dean let himself take a deep breath.

"That's amazing," Cas said when Dean was finished. "How do you know all that?"

"My mom," he said with a sad smile. "She was really into astronomy."

"It's beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with me."

Dean chuckled. "Sam doesn't even know I know all that."

Cas turned to face him and even in the dark Dean could see how astonished he was. "Why share it with me, then?"

"Because, Cas…" How should he finish that? He couldn't say 'because I love you.' He could tell Cas that he was special, but that wasn't enough. "Because I wanted you to have something of me to take with you when you leave."

"Dean." Cas laid his hand on Dean's cheek. "You have given me so much of yourself. I'm full to the brim with you."

Dean leaned his cheek into Cas' palm. He didn't want to lose this, didn't want to lose Cas. He shifted slightly closer so he could feel Cas' body heat radiating off of him. Cas' breath hitched and he squeezed Dean's hand. Maybe, Dean thought. Maybe Cas wanted this, too.

"Have you ever been kissed?" His voice was barely above a whisper, but they were so close, he knew Cas heard him. It was confirmed when Dean felt a fine tremor run through Cas' body.

"No." Cas' voice was nothing but a dark rumble and it filled Dean so full of want that for a second, he couldn't breathe.

"I really want to kiss you." They had drifted even closer and now their foreheads were touching, their noses brushing alongside each other.

"I'm scared."

Dean had never forgotten Cas' confession that he'd been used as a breeder. How could he? That knowledge informed every touch, made him sure to touch only where and how much Cas wanted. And he'd wondered if Cas had ever kissed the women he was forced to be with, if he'd tried to inject a little tenderness into a horrific situation. But he hadn't, and now he was trembling in Dean's arms because the only knowledge he had of intimacy was an act of violation.

"We don't have to." There was no way Dean was going to push Cas into this in any way. The reins were firmly in Cas' hands. "We can go back to the party if you want."

"No." Cas pulled his fingers from Dean's and ran his hand up Dean's arms to press it against his other cheek. "I want to kiss you. I've wanted to kiss you."

He pulled Dean toward him and pressed their mouths together. Dean slid his hands around Cas' waist and let him gently explore the kiss. It was sweet, almost innocent, but it made Dean's blood sing and at the first tentative touch of Cas' tongue against his bottom lip, he gasped. Cas did it again, more boldly this time, and then sucked Dean's lip in between his teeth.

He couldn't help the whimper and Cas pulled back. "Did I hurt you?"

Dean was breathing like he'd just run a mile flat out. He shook his head and tightened his grip around Cas slightly. "No, you didn't hurt me. That was a happy… a very happy sound."

Cas smiled and shifted so his hands were behind Dean's head and then used them to pull Dean in again. Dean went happily, drunk on the taste and feel and smell of Cas all around him. He took a couple of steps back, pulling Cas with him, until his back hit the side of the barn. Cas made a pleased sound and slowly deepened the kiss, making Dean dizzy, making him moan for more. Cas' wings unfurled with a snap at the sound of Dean's moan, which just made him moan again, and Cas suddenly pulled back.

He was breathing like a bellows, too, and Dean could see that his lips were swollen and slick with saliva. He closed his eyes and drew his wings down with what seemed like a great deal of effort.

"I need… I need to think about this." His voice was gravel and Dean felt his stomach drop.

"Cas, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."

"No, don't be sorry. I'm glad we… but what it made me feel. It was… I didn't expect it to feel so… so _intense_. And my wing display…" He shook his head and looked down. "Was inappropriate. I just… I need some time."

"Yeah," Dean said, feeling a little dazed and whiplashed. "Of course. Take all the time you need." Cas didn't move to leave, though. He just stood there breathing hard, staring at the ground. "Are you sure you're…" Dean started just as Cas stepped into his space and pressed one last, hard kiss to his mouth. When it ended, he turned to go without saying another word, leaving Dean sagging against the side of the barn.

What the hell had just happened? His wing display was inappropriate? Had… had kissing Dean sent Cas into a mating display? The thought made Dean grin stupidly. He didn't at all mind that Cas was trying to show Dean that he was a worthwhile mate. In fact, it did funny things to Dean's insides.

"I should have known an angel lover like you would also be a sexual deviant." Alastair's voice made Dean's blood turn to ice. "It's bestiality to fuck an angel. Disgusting."

Dean was finally able to pick out his shadowy form in the darkness and his heart sank. There were three other people with him. And if they were out here so late on the night of a new moon, they were up to no good.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" He pushed away from the barn and advance a few steps. "This is private property. Get off."

A chorus of chuckles greeting that statement.

"Dean, Dean, Dean. We plan on doing exactly what we originally intended. Finding you is just a little bonus."

Dean was expecting the guy who rushed him and he was able to dodge out of the way, catch him in the stomach with a hard punch, but he couldn't dodge the second guy. Dean was pretty good in a fight, but three on one was too much. He fought as hard as he could, but in the end, two of them were able to catch his arms while the third used him as a punching bag. When they let him go, he dropped to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

Alastair strolled over and studied him. "A traitor to your own species." Alastair spat in his face.

Dean was too weak to even try to wipe it off. "At least," he wheezed, "I'm not a scared little pencil-dick who's…" The boot headed toward his face was the last thing he saw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cas' past sexual abuse is mentioned.
> 
> I will reply to comments on the last chapter tonight. Right now, I'm running seriously late for work because I wanted to get this chapter up!
> 
> Also, I have donned my asbestos suit if you feel the need to vent!
> 
> And now that I've responded to comments, I feel like I should add... I don't want to spoil anything, but I would never spring anything too horrible on you. And I would have tagged any, y'know, really big events.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may have noticed that there's a final chapter count! This was going to be the last chapter, but here's what happened. It's a looooong chapter. Like, over 10k I think. And my next two work days are such that I can't fuck off and write. So I had to make a decision. Which was crueler? Making you wait until Saturday, Sunday, or possibly even Monday for a colossally long final chapter, or giving you this painful half now so that the wait for the next chapter is shorter.
> 
> Obviously, I thought making you wait really long after the cliffhanger was the crueler option because here you have a chapter! However this... this is not a happy chapter. Like, at all. But if you start to fear for where I'm taking things, there's a promise in the end notes. And really, that promise is in the tags, too. Or a lack of tag, I suppose.

The world was muzzy. He could hear muffled voices and a distant beeping, but he couldn't really feel his body. That didn't particularly worry him. He was floating and nothing hurt and that was okay. He thought he heard someone saying his name, but he drifted away before it really registered.

The next time he woke up, he was more aware. He blinked his eyes open and tried to look around, but the muscles of his neck seized up. He made a small sound of pain and reached up a hand to massage the soreness away, but stopped when he saw the IV. He looked down at himself and realized he wasn't in his own bed. Hospital, his sluggish brain finally provided. He was in a hospital.

_Harvelle's_.

Ignoring the pain, Dean rolled onto his side and tried to get the railing on the bed down, but his fingers were stupid and uncoordinated. He grunted, frustrated. He needed to find out if everyone was okay, what those fuckers had done to the place. He needed to know if Cas was okay.

He finally got the railing down and pushed himself to sitting, forcing himself to endure the pain. Standing seemed like an impossible task, but he was determined. Panic was starting to claw its way up his throat. He needed to know.

His feet had just touched the floor when Sam appeared in the doorway.

"Dean! What are you doing?" He rushed over and grabbed Dean before he hit the floor.

Dean grabbed Sam's arms and squeezed, reassuring himself. Sam was okay. Looked completely fine aside from his worry, in fact, and that eased Dean's panic a little. "Harvelle's?"

His brother blanched a little at that and Dean's heart sunk. _No, oh no, no_. It ran on a loop in his head as Sam manhandled him back into bed.

"Sam, tell me. Cas. Is he…?"

Sam wouldn't meet his eye and Dean felt the panic come screaming back to life. He shoved Sam away from where he was fussing with the blanket. " _What happened?_ "

"Dean, you need to rest. You were in bad shape when you got here…" he started but Dean grabbed his wrist.

"I need to know. Is Harvelle's okay? Is Cas okay?"

Sam licked his lips and wouldn't meet Dean's eye. "They set fire to the office building. We were able to get it out before it did too much damage, but Cas…" Sam sat heavily in the chair next to Dean's bed and Dean swallowed against the urge to vomit.

"What?" He didn't recognize the strangled whisper as his own voice.

"He said you guys had been outside talking, looking at the stars. He said he went back inside, and that you stayed out there by yourself, but after a while he went back out to find you." Sam paused and Dean couldn't breathe. "He found you on the ground, unconscious. He heard… he heard the animals in the barn, said they sounded terrified. He ran in there and saw…"

Dean closed his eyes. _Not Eos_ , he prayed fervently. _Please not Eos._

"They had already killed one of the cows and they were trying to kill a pig." Dean let out a shaky breath. "He attacked them, Dean."

"No." He sat up despite the pain. "No, they can't hold that against him. He was protecting the farm."

"Dean." Sam's voice was tight and Dean looked at him, a horrible certainty growing in his heart. "Cas killed Alastair. He broke his neck, practically ripped his head off. He beat the guy who was with him to a pulp. By that time, we'd all smelled the smoke and had come out to see what was going on. They must have set the fire and then gone to the barn," Sam started, but Dean shook his head.

"There were four of them. Where's Cas?" Sam licked his lips and Dean felt his world starting to break apart. "Sammy, where's Cas?" His throat seized around the words, but he had to know. "Have they… is he…?"

"No, no, he's still alive. Ellen has been able to hold the state off, saying that his attack wasn't unprovoked. Jody's got him in a holding cell, but the state wants him put down sooner rather than later. It's a miracle they've held off this long."

Dean rubbed a hand over his face, wincing in pain as he did so. "How long have I been out?"

"About a day and a half."

"Shit." Dean threw off the covers with a pained grunt and sat up. "I have to see Cas. I have to..." His legs held him when he stood this time, but he was wobbly.

"Dean, you're in no condition to leave. You've got a concussion and four cracked ribs. You have to stay here."

"I'm not sitting here while Cas is on death row. I have to talk to Jody, make them see that he's not dangerous." Dean's voice broke again and Sam looked like he was on the verge of tears himself. They both knew the reality of the situation. Cas had killed a human. No matter the circumstances, the state wasn't going to let him live. "I have to see him."

"Alright," Sam sighed. "You'd just break out on your own anyway, stubborn asshole. But I'm going to get the doctor. If you're checking out early, you're checking out the right way."

"Great, fine." He was still looking for his clothes when Sam came back with the doctor.

"Mr. Winchester. Your brother says you want to leave us." Dean knew when someone was trying to intimidate him, but nothing short of strapping him down was going to keep him there.

"I don't want to leave, I _am _ leaving. Where are my clothes?"

"You were admitted via the emergency room," she said. "Your clothes were cut off of you."

Fucking great. He couldn't leave here in a hospital johnny, ass to the wind. He looked at Sam. "Is there anything in the gift shop I can wear?"

Sam started to shake his head like he didn't know when the doctor cut in. "Mr. Winchester, your injuries were not trivial. I would like for you to stay one more night for observation."

"Not happening." He eyed the sheet, wondering if he could wrap it around himself toga style.

"Certainly one more day can't make a difference."

Dean clenched his jaw, desperately trying to hold his temper. The doctor was just trying to do her job; she didn't know Cas was possibly hours away from death and that Dean absolutely  _ had _ to make it to him. Then an idea hit him.

"It'll make all the difference if… There's an angel in holding right now and the state wants him put down for defending me and the farm where he lives. I have to stop it. So I  _ am _ leaving here. Whether it's with my ass hanging out or not is up to you."

It was a shot in the dark. If she was a hardliner regarding angels' position in society, he'd still walk out of here, but he'd be in the johnny. If she was sympathetic, he was pretty sure she could get him a pair of scrubs.

Understanding dawned on her features. "You're from Harvelle's." He nodded stiffly, because this could still go either way. "The news said the angel you want to save killed a man."

_ Fuck_. Cas was on the goddamn  _ news?_

"Did the news also tell you that the guy who's dead was a human supremacist piece of trash who vandalized our farm four times before last night? And that last night they did this to me before torching one of the buildings and killing some of our animals?"

"They blamed the fire on the angel."

Dean saw red, his blood pounding in his ears. They were blaming  _ Cas _ for what those mother fuckers did.

"Dean. Dean, calm down." Sam had stepped in front of the doctor who was now looking a little scared of him.

"He didn't set that fire, Sam."

"I know, Dean. When we found him he was with you outside the barn."

"I've got to get to him." He looked past Sam to the doctor. "I guarantee you he didn't set that fire. Just that morning he'd found out he was going to get to work on a horse farm. He was looking forward to it. I have to get to the sheriff and tell her what really happened.  _ Please_."

The doctor hesitated a moment longer, but finally nodded. "I'll send in the nurse with your discharge papers and bring you back some clothes."

Dean sagged with relief. "Thank you."

When she left, Dean sat on the edge of the bed and Sam sat on the chair.

"Are you okay?"

"No, I'm really not." Dean ran a hand back through his hair. "Fuck, Sam. What am I going to do?"

"You're going to tell the sheriff what happened and she's going to talk to the guys from the state."

Dean shot him an exasperated look. "In case you forgot, I was unconscious for the whole thing. You probably know more about what happened yesterday than I do."

"It was two days ago, Dean. You were unconscious all day yesterday." Dean growled in frustration. "So, if you can't tell the sheriff anything, how are you planning on saving Cas."

"I  _ can't_, man! You know I can't! Alastair could have had a gun to my head when Cas killed him and it wouldn't have mattered. An angel kills a human, that angel's  _ dead_." Dean pressed his hands against the bed and leaned forward, trying to steady his breathing. Cas couldn't die, but Dean didn't know what to  _ do._

He tried to think of something as he signed his discharge papers, but his brain was stuck like a skipping record: Cas is going to die. The doctor brought him a pair of scrubs and his boots, which he gratefully accepted.

"Good luck, Mr. Winchester."

"Thanks," he said, a bitter smile twisting his lips. "I'm gonna need it."

He dressed slowly, the process of putting on clothes more painful than it had any right to be, and refused the wheelchair the nurse brought over when he stepped out of his room. His brain was still clicking, stuck in its groove, and he needed to shake it loose. He needed to start thinking, but his brain wouldn't obey him. He felt sluggish and all he could think was that Cas was going to die.

The ride to the Sheriff's Office was silent, Sam shooting Dean concerned looks, Dean just staring unblinkingly down at his hands. When Sam parked he turned to Dean.

"Want me to come in?"

Dean shook his head and slowly got out of the car, his ribs protesting every move. He finally got to his feet and limped into the Sheriff's Office. He walked up to the duty officer and waited for him to get off the phone. When the officer looked up at him, his eyes went a little wide. "Do you need to report an assault?"

"No, I need to see Sheriff Mills."

"I'm sorry, sir, but the Sheriff is busy with other duties…"

"Just tell her Dean Winchester is here to see her," he interrupted.

"As I was telling you, sir…"

"Fuck this," Dean mumbled. "Jody!" he shouted, walking around  the counter. "It's Dean, I need to talk to you!"

Every officer in the station was instantly on their feet, some with their hands hovering over their weapons. The duty officer put himself between Dean and the rest of the office.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to step back behind the counter."

Dean ignored him. "Jody! I'm not leaving here without seeing him!"

"Sir! This is your last warning."

"It's fine, Roberts," Jody said as she emerged from a hallway. "Christ, Dean, haven't you ever heard of a phone?"

Officer Roberts backed away from Dean and the rest of the officers warily went back to what they'd been doing.

"I don't know what happened to mine after the other night and chuckles here wouldn't call you for me."

"Well, I'm so sorry your personal concierge wasn't available to help you." She held up her arm and made a 'come on' gesture with her fingers. "I know you want to see him, but I need to talk to you."

Dean followed her back to her office. "Is he alright?"

"As alright as he can be, seeing as how he's in my holding cell." She closed the door behind them and walked around her desk to sit with a sigh. "He didn't resist when they arrested him and he hasn't denied anything."

"The fire?" Dean asked, surprised.

"What about it?"

"The doctor at the hospital said she saw on the news that he was being blamed for it."

Jody waved a hand in front of her face. "There were a lot of crazy things being said at the beginning. We know he didn't set the fire, but, Dean…"

He rested his elbows on his knees and scrubbed his hands through his hair. "I know. Sam told me. But he'd just found me beaten unconscious and then walked in on them killing our animals. It wasn't just a random thing."

"I know. And maybe if he hadn't killed Alastair, Ellen and I  _ might _ have been able to convince the state to let him off, but as soon as he took a life… There's nothing I can do, Dean."

Tears wanted to rise to his eyes but he fought them off. He'd harbored a shred of hope that Jody might be able to do something, but now that was gone. But what was worse, he knew that if he'd lied about the fight a couple of weeks ago, this wouldn't have happened. Cas would have still been mad about the vandalism, but it wouldn't have been as personal. He would have just beat the shit out of him and let that be enough. But he'd had to tell him the truth and in doing so had unwittingly signed Cas' death warrant.

"How long does he have." His voice was tight with unshed tears and Jody's voice, when she answered, was sympathetic.

"I've convinced the state to put it off until after I've completed my investigation, since he's a material witness to a class four felony. But… not long. Couple of days."

Dean nodded and swallowed the lump in his throat. "Can I see him?"

Jody hesitated. "Protocol says no, but the guy from the state isn't here right now, so I'll let you see him. I just need to get your statement, first."

She pulled out a tape recorder and notebook and asked him a series of questions about the night leading up to the attack. When she asked, "Why didn't you call for help?" Dean could only shake his head.

"Cas was the only one in earshot and I didn't want to put him in that situation. He'd  _ just _ gotten certified and I didn't want to put that at risk." Christ, tears were filling up his eyes again. "Maybe if I had… Maybe if it'd been two on four we could have done it and he wouldn't have…" He choked on the last words, unable to get them out. Jody let him have a moment to compose himself.

"You can't start going down that road of 'maybes' and 'what ifs.' You'll just make yourself crazy."

Dean knew she was right, but it was impossible not to wonder. "Are we done?"

"Yeah, I think so." She stopped the recording. "I'll take you back to see him, now."

Dean wiped his eyes dry. Cas needed him to be strong right now, not blubbering like a baby. He needed to give Cas comfort, not take it.

"You've got ten minutes," Jody said as she let Dean into the cell block.

There was a hallway with cells on either side. The doors to all but one stood open and Dean made his way over. Cas was sitting on the floor in the corner, his forehead pressed against the wall, his wings bound, just like he'd been when he'd first gotten to Harvelle's. Dean's heart broke.

"Cas?"

He looked up slowly, his expression dull, but when he saw Dean, his face lit up. "Dean!" He scrambled to his feet and stumbled to the bars. "You're alright. I was so worried." His eyes traced the injuries on Dean's face. "I held you and spoke to you, but you wouldn't wake up. The police took me as they were loading you onto the ambulance. I didn't know if you were going to be okay." 

Dean reached through the bars to cup his cheek. "I'm okay, Cas. A little busted up, but mostly fine. How about you? Are you okay?"

It was a colossally stupid question given the circumstances, but asking was was reflex.

"I'm…" He looked around at the cell and shrugged. "My leg hurts. Alastair's partner hit me with something heavy. But I suppose it doesn't matter. Or won't, soon."

"Cas, don't say that," Dean plead, fighting back tears again.

"It's true, Dean. I knew what would happen if I killed him and I made my choice."

Dean's eyes widened in shock. " _What?_ "

Now Cas reached through the bars to touch Dean's face. "You are so beloved, Dean. I told you I would die for you and I don't regret my decision."

"I don't want you to fucking die for me, Cas!" He jerked away from Cas' touch. "That doesn't make any goddamn sense! You… you  _ chose _ to kill him? You  _ chose _ this? Why, Cas? Why would you do that, knowing what would happen to you? You were almost out." He was reeling. Cas hadn't killed Alastair in a blind rage, but as the result of a calculated decision. Dean couldn't understand why he'd do that, why he'd throw his life away.

"Haven't you wondered how I knew who to kill? I'd never seen Alastair. But when he saw me, he recognized me. They had been watching us." His lip curled in a disgusted snarl. "He taunted me, told me that he was going to slowly destroy Harvelle's and then, when it was gone, he was going to kill you for being a pervert."

"Oh god," Dean breathed, covering his face with his hands. "He was just trying to get a rise out of you. He would never…"

"Yes he would have," Cas barked. "He murdered animals and burned a building this time. You really think it was beyond him to do worse? He would have followed through on his word, Dean, and I would never have been able to live with myself if that happened. Not to Harvelle's, but especially not to you. So I did what I had to."

"You shouldn't have done it!" Dean was so angry at Cas, but more than that, he was despondent. Cas had taken the full burden of the problem onto himself and now there was nothing for Dean to do, no way for him to help, and he was going to watch Cas die. "We could have done something different, found another way."

"He had vandalized Harvelle's four separate times already, and nothing had been done. Nothing was ever going to  _ be _ done. When I realized that his words were true, that he would escalate to the point of killing you, my decision had been made for me."

"Goddammit, that's not a decision for you to have made alone," Dean shouted and Cas looked down.

"Perhaps not, but it's been made and I'm willing to pay the price."

"Yeah, you're always fucking willing to pay," Dean spat. "But this one I have to pay with you." Cas looked up, confused, and Dean wanted to throttle him. "You die, you get to be done with it. I have to live with it. I will second guess everything I did. And I'm…I'm left without you. I'm left missing you every day, knowing that it didn't have to  _ happen _ like this." He clenched his jaw shut against the sudden pain of understanding on a visceral level what the rest of his life was going to feel like.

"Dean, please." Dean had drifted away from him as they shouted, and now Cas was reaching between the bars for him. "I don't want… I don't want our last moments together to be angry. Please. Please just be with me. Please, Dean. I need you to be with me."

Dean's face clenched in pain briefly, but he moved back to Cas. Cas needed him and he couldn't deny him anything, even now. Especially now. And if he was honest with himself, he needed Cas, too. He took Cas' hand and kissed his fingers before pressing it against his chest. They stood like that for several long moments, just being in each other's company for the last time.

"I wanted… I wanted everything with you, Cas," Dean said quietly. "I wanted to show you what love could be."

Cas' thumb brushed over Dean's hand. "You already have, Dean."

"No, see, we barely scratched the surface." He took a ragged breath and looked up at Cas. "I can't believe we're here. And there's nothing I can do."

"No, there isn't," Cas agreed. "Don't blame yourself, Dean. This was my decision."

The urge to lash out, to scream at him and tell him what a stupid fucking decision it was, rose again but he held his temper. He'd promised that their last minutes together wouldn't be spent in anger. He closed his eyes.

"I don't want to say goodbye."

"Dean." Dean waited a few heartbeats to open his eyes. Cas' eyes were bright with unshed tears, but he attempted a smile. "You made my life beautiful. If it meant losing these last months with you, I wouldn't change anything that happened to me."

Dean reached his other hand through the bars and cupped the back of Cas' head, feeling the silky strands of hair slip through his fingers. He heard the door at the end of the hall open and he held Cas' hand tighter to his chest. He couldn't let go.

"It's time to go, Dean," Jody said from the doorway.

"Cas," he breathed. "Cas, I can't. I can't."

"You must, Dean." He stroked his fingers down Dean's cheek. "Thank you for everything you have given me," he said and then gently pulled his hand from Dean's and turned away.

Dean stared at his back for a long moment before turning abruptly and hurrying down the hallway. He brushed past Jody into the hall beyond the cell block and stopped. That was it, that was the last time he'd ever see Cas. And not just because he lived far away but because he would be dead.

The sobs that he'd refused to let out when he was with Cas ripped their way out of his throat now. He bent over, hands on his knees, helpless to do anything but let them wrack him, not caring that Jody was there. He just cried until there wasn't anything left and he was empty and exhausted. When he was finally able to stand, he wiped at his face and Jody offered him a tissue.

"I didn't know it was like that between you two."

He searched her face for any kind of judgement, and when he didn't see any, gratefully took the tissue. He couldn't think of anything to say to her, though, so he just shrugged. He didn't have any energy left for anything. His whole body hurt and his heart felt like it was in shreds.

"Why don't you go home, Dean. You look like you're about to collapse."

He simply nodded and turned to head back to the front of the building. For once, his mind was utterly silent. He was just numb.

"Do you have someone to drive you?" 

He nodded again, but didn't say anything. There wasn't anything left to say. Cas was going to die and Dean didn't know how he was going to keep going.

Just before they emerged into the station proper, Jody stopped him with a hand on his arm.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I really am." She pulled him into a hug. "They're transporting him day after tomorrow at eleven thirty," she said softly.

Dean pulled back. "Okay. Bye Jody."

He left the station in a fog and just stood on the steps, suddenly dazzled by the sun. He knew there was something he was supposed to be doing, but he couldn't remember what it was. He looked around, trying to recall it, but his mind was so fuzzy and he felt so tired. Why was he so tired?

"Dean?"

He looked around and saw Sam standing there. "Oh, hey, Sammy."

Sam's brow drew down. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"How's Cas?"

Dean smiled at the thought of Cas. "He's…" And then he suddenly remembered and the smile fell from his face. "He's doing alright, considering."

"Are you sure you're okay?" Sam's body language was wary, like he was dealing with a spooked animal.

"Yeah, I'm… I just…"  _ Zoned out. Fugued_, his mind provided. He looked at Sam. "There's nothing Jody can do. They've only held off this long because he's a witness." He looked out over the parking lot again, not really seeing anything, just feeling lost.

Sam came up the steps and took Dean's arm. "Come on. Let's go home."

Dean let Sam help him to the Impala, let him open the door for him, because pulling the heavy steel door open himself seemed like too much effort. Sam tried to talk to him a couple of times as he drove them back to the apartment, but Dean didn't respond. He just stared out the window blankly, not seeing the scenery scroll by.

When Sam got him up to the apartment he just stood there, looking around. What was he supposed to do? Sit down and flip on the tv like everything was normal? Like everything was going to be okay? Like tomorrow he'd show up at work and eat breakfast with Cas?

"Do you want anything, Dean?" Sam asked gently. "Some water or something to eat?"

Dean started to tremble. "No," he snapped. He didn't want any fucking  _ water_. What he wanted was to have Cas back. Cas who had stupidly decided to kill Alastair in a bid to save Dean. Who Dean had finally,  _ finally_, gotten to hold in his arms and kiss.

The lamp shattered against the far wall before he'd registered that he'd thrown it. The sound of it breaking, the pain it had caused in his ribs to throw it all felt good, felt  _ right_. Dean grabbed the next closest thing - the end table the lamp had been on - and hurled it across the small room with a scream.

"Dean!" Sam shouted but Dean ignored him. He needed to feel this rage, he needed to let it out or he was going to explode. Cas had  _ chosen _ this. He'd done it  _ on purpose_. He worked his way through the room, destroying anything he was physically capable of lifting.

Where the was nothing left, he just stood there panting, looking around at the ruined apartment. There was almost nothing left intact, but Cas was still going to die. Dean sunk down to the floor and curled an arm protectively around his chest because his ribs were killing him. There was nothing he could do to save Cas. It was really starting to sink in. There was nothing he could do. He was going to fail Cas just like he'd failed Anna.

He heard someone's footsteps crunching over broken glass but he didn't look up. He didn't care who it was. "Leave me alone."

"Sam called me," Bobby said. "He didn't know what else to do. Said you were tearin' up the place."

Of course Sam had called Bobby. Dean had probably scared the shit out of the kid.

"You wanna talk about it?" Bobby asked as he cleared a space in the debris with his foot and then sat beside Dean.

Dean tossed one hand half heartedly. "What's there to talk about? Cas killed Alastair and now he's going to die. They're taking him day after tomorrow at eleven thirty."

"How do you know that?" Bobby asked, sounding surprised.

"Jody." Dean sighed. "Do you know why he did it? Did he tell any of you before they took him?"

"No. That boy only had eyes for you. He was so worried that you weren't waking up. He held you and wouldn't let go until the police got there."

Dean's lips twisted and he pressed his fingers against his eyes. Cas had just wanted to protect him.

"But I assumed he went into the barn and saw them killing the animals he's spent all these months taking care of and lost his temper."

"No," Dean said. "There was no temper involved." He told Bobby what Cas had said in as steady a voice as he could manage, cycling through anger and despair again as he told it. Bobby sighed when he was done.

"Castiel has a lot of heart, you have to give him that."

"Had," Dean spat bitterly and Bobby put a hand on his shoulder.

"He ain't dead yet, son." Dean didn't respond, just sat there looking down at his lap. "Alright come on, let's get up. You boys can stay at my place tonight."

"No, we're fine."

"Yeah, well…" Bobby looked around and sighed. "I'm going to have to insist. This place is trashed."

For some reason, that made Dean break down again. He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes and tried not to sob outright.

"Ah, Jesus," Bobby muttered and scooted closer to Dean so he could wrap an arm around his shoulders and pull him against his chest. Dean didn't have the energy to fight, so he just let Bobby hold him and rock him. "It's alright, son. I know you love him and I know how much you're hurtin' right now."

For the second time that day, Dean cried until he had nothing left in him, until he felt completely scrubbed out and numb. When he was finally quiet in Bobby's arms, Bobby stood and helped Dean to his feet. After overexerting himself destroying everything in the apartment and then god only knew how long sitting still on the floor, his body was on fire with pain. So much so that Bobby had to help him down the stairs to the parking lot and into the Impala. When he finally sat down in the passenger seat he was pale and sweaty.

"You get him to my place. Make sure he eats something and have him take four ibuprofen. He's gonna feel like hell tomorrow as it is, least we can do is make it a little better."

"What about you," Sam asked.

"I'm just gonna grab you boys a couple of changes of clothes and be right behind you."

"Alright. We'll see you there." Sam walked around the Impala and slid behind the wheel. Dean's head was leaned back against the seat and his eyes were closed, but he could feel Sam's gaze on him. "Are… are you okay?" 

Dean forced himself to sit up and look at his brother. "No, I'm not okay. But I'm sorry for scaring you, Sam. I'm sorry I trashed the apartment."

"You don't have to apologize, Dean. I get… I know why you're so angry."

Dean huffed a breath and leaned back again. If  _ Bobby _ had figured out he was in love with Cas, then it was almost certain that everyone else had, too. And he thought he'd been so subtle. But the thought of going back to Harvelle's… He'd already been afraid to, afraid of all the memories, but now layered on top of that would be everyone's pity. But he didn't think he'd be going back to Harvelle's immediately, didn't think he could. He couldn't be that close to Cas' presence knowing that he was gone.

  
When they arrived at Bobby's, Sam practically force fed Dean a bowl of cereal before handing him a glass of juice and the ibuprofen. Dean dutifully took it before trudging upstairs to his room. He didn't even bother undressing or turning down the bed, he just laid himself down gingerly and let the sorrow drag him under.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why is Dean accepting this so easily, I hear you all screaming. Well, two big reasons: He's heavily concussed (he got kicked in the head!) and he's in shock. Throw in a little bit of he's already failed an angel he loved before and is feeling incredibly hopeless and down on himself, and you have your answer. But come on! This is Dean Winchester! If there's one thing he will always do when everything is against him is rally.
> 
> And my promise to you, despite how this chapter went... Cas isn't going to die.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are! The final chapter!! It's been a very long and satisfying road and I want to thank everyone who took the time to kudos or comment. They certainly kept me alive when I was struggling with both life and the story. And if you love it, please rec it! It would warm the cockles of my heart! ;)
> 
> We cover not many hours, but A LOT of ground in this chapter. It's just shy of 9k words! I hope everything is clear. I'm not a car person, but a car person gave me the idea I use here. I also really did try to steer clear of angst, but there's a little bit. If you reach a point where you're about to proverbially throw down this story because you think I'm about to do something really horrible to you... just keep going. Trust me.

As soon as Dean opened his eyes, the crushing despair of the previous day hit him. It took his breath away, and for a while, all he could do was lay there and leak tears as he tried to remember how to breathe. The thought of waking up like this every day for the rest of his life made him wonder if he could just lie there until he wasted away to nothing and died. It was an appealing thought, but he knew that Sam and Bobby would never let him. He knew, too, that eventually the enormity of his pain would fade, that he'd be able to wake up and not feel like there was a dagger in his heart. That knowledge made him feel guilty, like he was betraying Cas' memory.

When he finally moved to sit up, unable to stew in the grief and guilt any longer, he found that his body was one enormous network of pain. It took him three tries to get upright, gritting his teeth against the pain the whole time, and when he finally made it he was sweaty and breathing hard. And breathing just made everything hurt worse. He sat there for a bit, waiting for the pain to abate a little, trying not to think about the day stretching out before him. At some point he noticed that someone had left him a glass of water and more ibuprofen. Leaning over to get everything hurt like a motherfucker, but Dean downed the pills and the water gratefully.

He sat there for a while, until he felt like he could move without wanting to die, and then stood, slowly peeling off the hospital scrubs he'd been given. It was still early, so he limped down the hallway naked to grab a towel from the linen closet before heading to the shower. He let the hot water beat down on his sore body and forcefully kept his mind from wandering. He didn't think about anything beyond how good the shower felt. And that was his plan for the day. Stay busy, focus solely on whatever he was doing.

In the kitchen, later, he contemplated breakfast, but instead just took a piece of bread and ate it plain. He didn't really want it, but he knew the ibuprofen would upset his stomach if he didn't eat something. He drank another glass of water before wandering outside.

Bobby had owned this place forever, and that, combined with his penchant for buying old fixer uppers, had made the place look like a salvage yard. But that also meant that Dean had plenty to choose from to keep his mind occupied. Anything to avoid thinking about Cas sitting in that cell all alone, waiting for death.

He shook his head. He wasn't going to think about that.  _ Couldn't. _ If he did he was going to lose his mind.

He found an old Lincoln Continental, a big, luxurious boat of a car, up on blocks. He thought he'd take a look under the hood, see if there was anything interesting going on with the engine that he could fix, but just popping the hood made him gasp in pain. When he tried to lean over the engine to peer in, he was trembling within seconds, the pain forcing him to stand up straight again. He looked up at the hood and knew there was no way he was going to be able to get it shut in his current condition and he clenched his jaw in frustration. He hadn't hurt this much when he'd left the hospital yesterday. With an irritated grunt, he turned away from the Lincoln. He knew this was fallout from trashing the apartment, from forcing his body to exert itself in a way it shouldn't have.

Unable to do what he'd gone out there to do, Dean wandered instead, remembering all the hours he'd spent here as a kid, how Bobby had taken them in after their father died and Dean was trying to figure out his father's debts and get them back on their feet. And after Anna, when John Winchester had been livid, Bobby had let Dean hide out here for a while.

The sun was finally getting high enough to burn off the morning fog, and Dean sat on the hood of a rusted out Chevelle and let the sun ease some of the ache from his body. Of course that made him remember Cas telling him that he sat in the sun because his wings ached. Arthritis, Chuck had said. Dean hoped Cas' wings weren't hurting him too badly right now. He didn't want Cas to be in pain…

_ Oh Jesus_, he thought, wiping at his face. In just a little more than twenty four hours, state officials would be picking Cas up from the Sheriff's Office to take him to the state Angel Affairs office. And there, Cas would be given a lethal injection. Dean gave up on wiping away the tears, just let them drip from his chin onto his thighs.

_ You can do something about this, _ a part of his mind whispered. But there wasn't anything. What was he going to do, burst into the Sheriff's office, guns blazing, and break Cas out? Even if he was kitted out like Rambo, he was still just one guy against at least a dozen deputies. And he wasn't willing to kill anyone. He wanted Cas free, but he wouldn't murder anyone to do it.

_ There's something else, another way. _ Dean pondered this little voice, turned it over in his mind. Something was trying to shake itself loose from the fog that had suffused his brain since he'd woken up in the hospital yesterday. He wanted to chase it down, but he knew that it would elude him if he went directly for it, so he let his mind wander near it, following whatever memories arose.

Excitement started to build behind his sternum. He didn't know why, but the knew there was something in his head, something that could get Cas free. It was floating right there, just out of his mental reach, but he was getting closer. He could almost…

"Figured I'd find you out here." Dean was startled out of his reverie by Sam sitting down next to him with two cups of coffee. "This is where you always used to come when we were kids."

"You're still a kid," Dean said as he took the coffee Sam offered and looked back out at the view - flat Nebraska land with a few gentle undulations. It was beautiful in its own way, even though people called it boring.

"I came out here to work on a car, distract myself, but I'm too busted up. Couldn't even lean over the engine."

"You should be inside, resting," Sam said and Dean snorted into his coffee.

"Sure, mom. Jesus, have you always been ninety?"

"I don't think you've looked in a mirror since you've gotten home." It was true, he hadn't.

"That bad?"

"Worse. It's kind of a horror show."

"Thanks Sammy, that's real encouraging for my healing process."

They sat in silence for a while, enjoying the coolness of the day while they could, but the cicadas were already starting their steady chirping. They were in for another hot one.

"How are you doing?" Sam asked gently after a while and Dean's lips quirked.

"You know what? I'm doing okay."

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Sam staring at him, clearly unbelieving. "You don't have to be, you know."

Dean nodded. "Yeah, I know, but I am. I'm gonna bust Cas out."

"What?" The amount of squeak in Sam's voice was impressive. "Dean, you just said you can't even stand over an engine. How are you going to break Cas out of jail?"

"I don't have to break him out of jail, the state's going to do that for me."

"What are you talking about?"

"They're moving him tomorrow from Broken Bow to the state facility in Lincoln."

Generally, things having to do with angels in Nebraska, such as private sales and transfers, went through local county offices. But larger issues like auctions and euthanizations all happened at the state Angel Affairs office in Lincoln. The time that it would take them to move Cas from Broken Bow to Lincoln… that was Dean's chance.

"How do you know that?"

"Jody," Dean said with a grin. "Jody fucking Mills. She's been on our side from the beginning, right? Just as pissed as us that we've never been able to get any proof on Alastair. Yesterday as I was leaving the Sheriff's Office, she hugged me and told me she was sorry that she couldn't do anything. And then she told me that they're moving him tomorrow at eleven thirty. It didn't really register at the time. I was… well, you saw me. I was fucking out of it. But last night Bobby was surprised that I had that information. And it's just sort of percolated and while I was sitting here, it finally came to me.

"Why would she tell me that? I didn't need to know and really, it seemed sort of cruel to give me that kind of info, right? That she would allow me to pinpoint his time of death like that... But she wanted me to know. She was giving me a chance to get him free."

"Dean." Sam sounded utterly incredulous. "You can't know that she was helping you out. What if she was just telling you to help you find comfort, finality."

"Because that's not Jody!" Dean snapped. "It was completely irrelevant information and I have to believe that she gave it to me for a reason. So I'm going to break Cas out."

"Jesus, Dean, you'll never be able to pull something like that off. Best case scenario is you go to prison and Cas still dies."

"I've gotta do something!" Dean exploded. "I can't just sit by while the state murders him! I'll figure out something. Even if  _ I _ get caught, maybe I can get Cas free."

Sam was silent for a long time. "You know I can't let you do this, right?"

"You think you can stop me?"

"No." His fingers gripped his mug. "But Bobby and Ellen can."

Dean narrowed his eyes at his brother. "You wouldn't fucking dare."

"Yeah, Dean, to save you from making another stupid mistake I would."

It was only because Dean's ribs were screaming at him that he didn't punch Sam senseless. He didn't think he'd ever been so furious at his brother in his entire life. Anna hadn't been a stupid mistake and neither was Cas and that Sam could even suggest they were…

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear you say that," Dean growled. "Because I don't think I could stand to look at you if that's what you really think."

Sam was stiff next to Dean after that, and they silently sipped their coffee as they looked over the landscape. Finally, Sam sighed and lowered his mug.

"You know I didn't mean it like that, right?

"Like exactly how you fucking said it?" Dean's expression was tight.

"It's just… You lucked out the first time. If you get caught this time, it's a  _ federal crime_, Dean. You'd be in prison for god knows how long!"

"Yeah, and so what? I'm willing to do that if it means Cas'll live. Are you seriously sitting there telling me that I should just let Cas die?" Dean shook his head and eased off the car, trying not to wince. "I can't be near you right now."

"Of course I don't think you should just let Cas die, but breaking him out? I don't… how are you even going to do it?"

"Don't know, yet. I'm working on it, but you cannot breathe a word of this to Ellen or Bobby."

"Word of what?"

Dean's shoulders went tight at the sound of Bobby's voice. He turned and saw Bobby standing there, casual as anything. "Uh, nothing."  _ Genius, Dean, _ he thought.  _ Very good. _

"Mmm," Bobby hummed. "Thought it might be about your plan to break Cas out."

Dean felt crestfallen. He probably could have worked around Bobby, but if the other man was actively trying to stop him, Dean didn't think he'd have a snowball's chance in hell of saving Cas. "You heard us?"

"Nope, I didn't hear anything, but I know how your brain works, boy. I knew that once you got over your initial shock those gears'd start turnin' and you'd come up with some cockamamie plan. So let's hear it."

Dean reached up to rub the back of his neck nervously, but stopped when pain jabbed through his chest. "I don't really have a plan, yet."

Bobby grunted and shook his head. "Well, we best start getting to work on it. Everything's gotta be in place by eleven thirty tomorrow."

Dean's jaw dropped open and he just started at him. Behind him, Sam said, "You're  _ helping _ him?"

"Castiel deserves a goddamn medal for killing that shithead, not to die. And honestly, I just don't think I'd be able to stand watching what his death would do to you, Dean."

Dean swallowed the lump in his throat. "Thanks, Bobby."

"Now come on back inside and we'll figure out a plan. If you want any kind of life after this is over, we've gotta make sure you can't be tied to it."

They sat around the kitchen table, throwing out ideas for the next couple of hours, slowly piecing a plan together. By the end of it, Dean was even thinking it might actually work. But they had a ridiculous amount of things they needed to get done and Dean was hot to get on the road.

They took one of Bobby's clunkers and made the hour long drive to Kearney. Once there, they bought three prepaid cell phones, two new tranquilizer guns, a length of thick insulated wire from the auto supply store, and masks.

"Thank god for Bobby and his paranoia," Dean said after they'd dropped over a hundred bucks in cash on the tranquilizer guns. "We never would have been able to scrape together enough cash to get all this stuff without his coffee can savings."

The drive back to Broken Bow seemed to take forever and Dean fidgeted in his seat. On top of that, his ribs were killing him. The ibuprofen wasn't cutting it. He needed to get something stronger from Chuck because he needed to be able to work on an engine.

When they finally pulled up to Harvelle's, Dean took the phones and looked at Sam. "This isn't going to be fun."

"You never know. Bobby surprised us."

"Yeah," Dean sighed and headed for Ellen's office. Dean stopped short when he saw the building. A corner of it was burned out. That would have been the office supplies and general storage space, he thought. He pushed down his anger, though. He had more important things to do right now. When they got inside, he knocked on the jamb. "Hey, Ellen, can we come in?"

"Dean!" She came around the desk to give him a hug. Dean grunted in pain and she let him go quickly. "Oh, I'm sorry. What the hell are you doing here in the shape you're in."

Dean licked his lips. "I need your help with something, Ellen."

She leveled a stern look at him. "That sounds serious. Why don't you boys sit down."

"I want you to hear me out before you say no, alright?" She nodded and Dean told her the plan he'd cooked up with Sam and Bobby that morning. She didn't offer any input, just listened. When he was done she shook her head.

"I can't believe that old coot is helping you. Dean, this is insane."

"I know, Ellen, but I have to do this. I have to try at least. I can't… I can't just let him die without trying anything."

"Do you have any idea the trouble that could land at my doorstep?"

Dean nodded soberly. "I know, and I wouldn't ask you if I thought anyone else had the resources, but you're the only one. Please, Ellen." Dean's voice cracked with emotion and Ellen's expression softened slightly.

"Alright. This is against my better judgement, but alright. Give me the phone. I'll call you when I've got some information."

"Thank you, Ellen. I… thank you."

"Just… be careful, kiddo."

"We will." She came around the desk again to give him a gentle hug and then hugged Sam.

"I'm counting on you to have a level head in this. He's too lovesick to see things objectively, okay?"

"Yeah," Sam agreed. "I'll look out for him."

Dean hadn't wanted Sam in on this at all, but with his body in the shape it was, there was no way he'd be able to do it on his own. He felt sick at the thought of endangering his brother's future, but when weighed against Cas' life, he'd deemed it worth it. He may be lovesick, but his need to keep Sam as safe as possible would help him keep a level head.

After they left Ellen's office, they went to the main building to see Chuck.

"Wow, you don't look so good," Chuck said when he saw Dean and Dean smirked.

"So I've heard. Listen, Chuck, I need you to not ask any questions. I've got some busted ribs from the other night and the doctor at the hospital didn't give me anything. I need some pain meds that'll do more than ibuprofen but won't knock me on my ass."

"Why…" Chuck started and Dean gave him a look. "I'm guessing this is part of some really stupid plan that I'm better off not knowing anything about, right?"

"Nope, no plan. Just need some pain meds."

"Right." Chuck took his keys from his pocket and went to a locked cabinet at the back of the room. He looked around inside for a bit before coming back with a bottle. "One every six hours."

Dean looked at the label. Ultram. "This won't make me sleepy?"

"No, but absolutely don't take it more than once every six hours. And don't drink any alcohol. It can depress your breathing all on its own, with alcohol, there's a good chance you'd stop breathing altogether."

"Alright, got it. No booze."

"Good luck with your not plan."

"Thanks a million, Chuck." Dean dry swallowed a pill after they left Chuck's and then looked at Sam. "One more stop and then I think we're done here."

At the end of the hall was the storage room that held all the rescue's tranquilizer guns and tranquilizer. Dean used his keys to let himself in and switched on the light. The tranquilizer was on the top shelf and when he reached for it, he winced in pain. He couldn't wait for the drugs to kick in.

"Here," Sam said. "Let me get it." He pulled the box from the shelf and opened the lid. "How many cartridges?"

"Bring six in case you miss."

Sam rolled his eyes and took the vials from the box. "I won't miss. I'm a better shot than you."

"Bullshit!"

"Whatever." Sam pocketed the vials. "Now we wait, I guess."

"Yeah. Let's head back to Bobby's, I'm starving." He noticed Sam's smile as he locked up the room. "What?"

"This is the first time you've wanted food since you woke up. It's good to see you with some… hope, I guess."

"Yeah, well. For the first time since I woke up, I've actually got some. If I can get to the transport truck tonight and Ellen comes through, I think we've really got a shot."

"Those are a couple of big 'ifs,' though."

"Yeah," Dean sighed and drug a hand over his face. "Yeah, they are. But I've gotta believe it'll all come together. We're so close, Sam."

They drove back to Bobby's in a nervous silence. Everything was riding on tonight and Dean's ability to get to the truck that would transport Cas to Lincoln. The rest of the plan would be easier if Ellen came through, but they might still be able to make it even without her help. Getting to the truck was absolutely crucial, though. If he couldn't, the whole plan would be fucked.

Bobby was outside working on a pickup truck with a camper shell when they got back.

"Got her runnin'," he said before they could ask. "She's not gonna be fast, but the plates are good and there's no paperwork tyin' her to me."

And the camper shell would hide Cas.

Inside the house, Dean threw together some sandwiches for everyone because he couldn't stand the thought of being still. And the Ultram was really working, too. Dean could finally take a deep breath without stabbing pain.

After lunch, he went out to Bobby's shed and started gathering the tools he'd need that night. It wasn't a lot, thankfully. His sabotage plan - well, Bobby's plan - was very straight forward. He was going to cut the wire between the alternator and the battery, splice in the length of wire he'd bought today, and wrap it around the truck's exhaust. It should take about an hour to melt through the thick insulation and then the battery would short and the truck would be left dead in the water. Even the radio would be shorted out, which meant that even if Sam and Dean couldn't surprise them, they wouldn't be able to call for help. That lead time was crucial. It would likely give them an hour on the run without anyone knowing anything was wrong.

Dean rubbed a hand over his chest where his heart was stuttering with a combination of fear and hope. This plan  _ had _ to work. The closer they got to the end, the more sure he became that it actually  _ would. _

The burner phone in his pocket started to ring and he dropped the wire strippers into the bag he was loading.

"Ellen?"

"I've got good news for you," she said and Dean closed his eyes in relief. "My friend still helps smuggle angels across the border and he's got some people near here. You're going to be meeting up with a girl named Charlie. She'll meet you in Thedford and from there take Castiel up to Canada. Got something to write down her number with?"

"Hang on." He went over to Bobby's workbench and hunted down a pen and scrap of paper. "Go ahead."

Ellen gave him the number. "Jim said she lives in Minneapolis and will head to Thedford now to make sure she's ready for you. Call her when you're close and she'll give you instructions."

"Thank you, Ellen. This… this means everything to me."

"I know, kiddo. And I can't believe that it looks like it'll actually work."

"If I can get to the truck tonight, I'm sure it'll work."

Ellen sighed. "My fingers are crossed for you. You be safe, Dean."

"Yes, ma'am."

After he hung up, he put the precious scrap of paper with Charlie's phone number in his wallet and finished packing his tools. Then he went into the house to find Sam.

"We've got a location. Let's go."

Sam hopped up from where he'd been lounging on the couch. "Where?"

"Thedford."

Dean drove yet another of Bobby's old jalopies while Sam followed in the rusted out Chevelle Bobby had also gotten running. The trip to Thedford took just about an hour and they hid the Chevelle outside of town, where no one would be able to see it.

Now they just had to get back to Broken Bow and wait for two am to head to the Sheriff's office to sabotage the truck. As they drove, he thought about how good it was going to feel to have Cas back in his arms, even if it was only briefly. He thought about how this time, he wasn't going to fail.

They pulled back into Bobby's just as night was starting to fall. "I'll order some pizza for dinner," Sam said.

"Great." Dean got out of the car and paused. "I can't stop thinking about all this, Sam. I'm so fucking nervous. What if it all goes sideways?"

"Then we'll deal with it. But it's going to be okay, Dean. You can do this. We can do this."

"Yeah." He rubbed his palms over his thighs. "I just wish the sitting around part was over. Waiting for eleven thirty to roll around tomorrow is going to be torture."

"I'll distract you with a game of gin."

"I hate gin," Dean said and Sam shrugged.

"Checkers, then."

Dean laughed and shoved Sam away. "Asshole." They walked back to the house in silence, but Dean stopped him just before they went inside. "You know I… thank you for doing this with me, Sam. I know you think it's bat shit crazy and I'd do it without you if I could but just. Thank you."

"It is bat shit crazy, but I know how much you love him and I get that you have to do something. And this plan'll work. I know it will."

Dean squeezed Sam's arm in appreciation before turning to go inside. He killed the rest of the evening as best he could, bedded down for a nap around midnight and came wide awake when his alarm went off at two. He went to wake up Sam and the two of them took Bobby's junker and rode to the Sheriff's Office.

Dean felt his heart sink as they looked around the parking lot.

"It's not here.  _ Fuck. _ "

Sam was biting his lip looking down at the ground and then he slapped Dean's shoulder. "Of  _ course _ it's not here. It's their only means of transportation. It's probably at whatever hotel they're staying at."

"Great. It's getting late, Sam. Sunrise is a little after six and it's already two forty five, we don't have time to drive around searching the parking lot of every hotel in town."

"They're probably staying at one near the station." Sam took out his phone and opened the map app. "Okay, there are four hotels and motels that are pretty close. Let's go check."

The first three parking lots were a bust and Dean felt his hope fading and his frustration mounting, but then, at the fourth motel, they spotted the transport.

"Thank fucking god," Dean breathed. He parked the car and turned to Sam. "You stay here and honk if you see anything, alright?" Sam nodded and Dean grabbed his tools before leaving the car.

The van wasn't in the most ideal location. Dean would have preferred if it had been parked in shadow, but at least it wasn't parked directly under a lamp post, either. He jimmied the door open and popped the hood. This wouldn't take long, hopefully.

Moving fast, he disconnected the battery and then cut the wire going from it to the alternator. He pulled out the length of wire he'd bought at the automotive store and used the wire strippers to strip the ends of it and wire he'd just cut. He spliced one side together, wrapping it tightly with electrical tape. He let the other end drop down through the engine and then got on the ground and shimmied underneath the van. He pulled the wire down and wrapped it around the exhaust pipe, just below the O2 sensor, before feeding it back up through the engine. It took him a couple of tries to get the wire to rest against something and stick, but it finally did and he shimmied back out. Now all he needed to do was splice the two remaining ends together and hook the battery back up.

He closed the hood as quietly as he could and then wiped it down. He wiped off the door handle and hood lever, too, before locking the van back up and shutting the door. He was trembling with adrenaline when he got back to where Sam was waiting.

"She's good to go."

"All of the big ifs are taken care of," Sam said with a grin and Dean grinned back.

"Yeah, they are. Now let's get back to Bobby's and get some shut eye."

The next morning, Dean was a bundle of nervous energy. He forced himself to choke down the scrambled eggs Bobby made even though his stomach was twisted in knots. Finally it was time to leave and he and Sam drove to the Sheriff's Office in the pickup truck with the camper shell. The transport van was there and Dean looked at the exhaust pipe, trying to see if it was idling. He didn't want the insulation to melt too soon, but it looked like the van was off. A little after eleven thirty, the two officials from Angel Affairs came out, Cas following behind them. He was flanked by two deputies and had another following behind with a tranq gun. His head was bent, but Dean's heart still raced to see him.

_ Hang on just a little longer, Cas. I'm coming for you. _

"You should have put some sort of GPS tracker on the car. Keeping them in sight without being obvious is harder than it seems," Sam said when they came to a stop with only one car between the van and them for the fifth time.

"I'll keep that in mind next time we do this." Dean kept his head down in case one of the guys in the van looked up. He didn't know if they knew what he looked like, but he figured better safe than sorry. "But it looks like they're heading to NE 2. The insulation on that wire should last about an hour, so we can hang back a little and then catch up to them."

"What town's an hour away?"

Dean took out the burner phone and poked at maps for a bit. "Looks like Cairo. Hopefully they'll short out before they actually hit town or we're going to attract some attention."

"I guess we'll have to wait and see."

Once they were on NE 2, Sam fell well behind the transport. It was even out of view a few times and that made Dean extremely anxious, but it always eventually came back into view. Dean tapped his foot nervously. They'd been on the road for nearly an hour; that wire should be going soon, and this would be the perfect place. The traffic was light and they were surrounded by corn fields. Dean tried to will the insulation to fail, his fists unconsciously bouncing against his thighs.

"Holy shit," he said suddenly, because there was the transport, pulled over to the side of the road. "Son of a bitch, it actually worked."

"Grab the masks and the guns," Sam said, and Dean leaned down to pull everything from under his seat. He double checked that each of the guns was loaded with three vials of tranquilizer and put one down next to Sam. The masks were cheap vinyl, but they covered their entire heads. They both pulled them on just as Sam pulled up behind the truck.

"Alright, let's do this," Dean said and opened his door.

"Hey, you guys need help?" Sam called as he walked up the side of the van and one of the men stepped around from where he'd been standing in front of the engine.

"Yeah, that would be…" He stopped when he saw Sam in the mask with the gun pointed at him. "Don't," was all he got out before Sam shot him in the shoulder. The dose was for a fully grown angel, so the guy was out in a matter of seconds.

Dean rushed up the other side of the van and saw the other man, who just looked confused, like he hadn't figured out what was happening, yet. Dean put a dart in him and felt a little stab of satisfaction when the guy clocked his head on the bumper on the way down.

Sam was already dragging the man he'd shot around the side of the van so he wouldn't be visible if anyone drove by. Dean moved the other guy and then started patting them down for keys.

"Gotcha," he said as he hooked them from the hip pocket of one of the unconscious men. He had to try three different keys before he finally found the right one and swung the door open. Cas blinked at him, suddenly blinded by the sun. "It's me, Cas."

"Dean?" Cas sounded utterly perplexed and Dean stepped up into the back of the van.

"Yeah, baby, it's me. I'm busting you out." He took Cas' face into his hands and pressed a kiss to his lips before dropping to his knees to try the keys in the lock that secured Cas' chains to the floor.

"How… how are you here? How did you do this?"

"I'll tell you all about it once we're on the road, but for now… there," he said as he finally undid the lock on Cas' chains. "For now we've gotta hit the road. Is it all clear, Sam?"

"Yeah, you're good."

"Alright, Cas, listen to me. You go get into the back of that truck. Sam and me are going to load those guys in here and then we hightail it. I'll be there with you in just a second, okay?"

"Yes." He broke out into a huge grin and pulled Dean into a short kiss. "Yes."

Cas scrambled down from the truck, his movements hindered by the chain between his ankles, and hurried to the back of the pickup truck. Sam and Dean made short work of loading the two agency men into the back of the van and then Dean locked the door.

"Was that necessary?" Sam asked and Dean smirked and shrugged.

"Come on, let's get while the getting's good."

Dean climbed into the back of the truck with Cas and closed everything behind him. He breathed a sigh of relief when he felt the truck sway as Sam made a u-turn to head to Thedford.

"Jesus it's good to see you," he breathed and wrapped his arms around Cas. He could feel Cas' hands clutching the front of his shirt, unable to hug back because of the handcuffs. He sat back and took Cas's hands. "Let me get all this shit off you."

"Hopefully this is the last time you'll have to release me from restraints," Cas said with a smile and Dean grinned up at him.

"Damn straight." He got the cuffs off and then unlocked the ankle restraints. "Alright," he said, reaching into his pocket to get his knife. "Wing bindings now. Trust me?"

Cas reached out to cup Dean's cheek. "Yes. Completely."

Dean put his hand over Cas' and turned to press a kiss to his palm. "Then let's get them off."

He was no less gentle or respectful this time, and he carefully made sure to touch Cas' feathers as little as possible. Cas sighed and shrugged his shoulders when the straps came off.

"Thank you. They were on very tight."

"I'm sorry you don't have room to stretch." It was so tight under the camper shell that Cas' wings were already bent at an awkward angle.

"I'll be fine. It's a relief just to have them off." He stopped and looked at Dean. "I can't believe they're off. How did you do this?"

Dean grinned and told Cas everything, from Jody telling him what time the transport was happening, to sabotaging the truck and ambushing the officials from Angel Affairs.

"How are you going to get away with this, Dean? You said this is a federal crime."

"We were careful with everything. Nothing can be linked to us and Bobby's going to alibi us. But we're not out of the woods yet. We've still got to get you to Charlie and then you've got to make it across the border."

"Charlie? The border?"

"Yeah, Ellen got in touch with some people she knows who smuggle angels into Canada. You'll be free there, Cas. The Canadian government will grant you asylum and you'll be one hundred percent free." Dean was grinning, but Cas looked troubled before looking down at his lap. Dean put a hand on his arm, his smile faltering. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, it's… it's wonderful news. Amazing. It's all just a little much to take in. I've been preparing myself to die today. And I… I've been hoarding all my memories of you close - the green of your eyes when the sunlight hits them, the sound of your laugh, the warmth of your hands. I never thought I would see and feel those things again." He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Dean's shoulders and held him tightly. "Thank you for saving me. Again."

"I told you, Cas. Always. Anything you need."

They held onto each other for a long time, reassuring themselves that they were there, together and safe. Cas was warm and alive in Dean's arms, and Dean was going to do whatever it took to make sure Cas made it to Canada. Sorrow pinged briefly, because now he was really never going to see Cas again. But Cas would be safe, and alive, and best of all,  _ free. _

Cas drew back first with a wince and tried to adjust his wings. The long primaries were pressed against the bed of the truck, bent, even though Cas had tipped his wings down. It must be putting a lot pressure on where they grew along his wingbones. 

"I'm sorry you're so cramped in here," Dean said, watching Cas shift uncomfortably.

"It's not the most comfortable seating arrangement, but it's greatly preferable to the alternative." Dean huffed a laugh just as Cas sighed in frustration. "I'm just going to lie down."

He turned onto his hip, trying to get his wings behind him, using his hand to force the feathers of one wing back. He unthinkingly stretched out his other wing as he continued to turn onto his belly and it collided with Dean's face.

"Ow!" Dean yelped, putting his hand over his mouth. He could taste blood, but Cas was sort of on all fours, his wings completely filling up the space, a look of horror on his face, and he couldn't help it. He started to laugh.

Cas' face started to fill with humor. "I'm so sorry. Are you alright?"

"Oh, yeah," Dean said, still laughing. He touched his fingers to his mouth and then pulled them away. There was a little bit of blood, but nothing too bad. "From what I hear my face looks like, this is nothing." Cas looked sad again at that and Dean shook his head. "No, really, Cas. It's fine. I barely felt it. Lie down, get comfortable."

Comfort wasn't really something they were going to get back here. Dean had thrown in a few blankets to give them some relief from the hard metal bed, but it wasn't exactly luxurious. Cas didn't seem to mind, though. He laid himself out and rested his head on his arms.

"Dean," he said after a moment. "Bugs."

Dean chuckled. "You can just ask me to rub your head at this point, I think." Cas just hummed contentedly as Dean's fingers slipped through his hair. "Was I painfully obvious the first time I did this?"

"Will it hurt your feelings if I say yes?"

"No, I think I'd survive."

"Then yes." Cas lifted his head and caught Dean's fingers in his own and pressed a kiss to Dean's knuckles. "Painfully obvious."

Dean couldn't stop the fond smile. "I just wanted to touch you so bad."

Cas smiled at him and dropped his head back onto his arms. His wing lifted and trembled slightly before relaxing down again.

"You can touch my wings if you want to," he said softly and Dean's breath hitched.

"Cas, you don't have to," he started, but Cas nodded his head.

"I know. I… I want you to." He lifted his wing slightly in invitation and Dean reached out tentatively.

He'd never touched and angel's wings, not even Anna's. He'd been too young and shy and it had seemed too intimate. And Cas' soft inhalation when Dean's fingers brushed along the top felt incredibly intimate. The feathers there were small and soft and he watched them fluff has his fingers passed over them.

"I like it when you do that."

"Do what?"

"Fluff your wings. It's like seeing your happiness become tangible."

Cas smiled and did it again, only this time the whole wing was involved. They both puffed up larger than Dean had ever seen them and then shuddered briefly. The cabin was suddenly filled with a spicy smell.

"I am very happy right now," Cas sighed and Dean ran his fingers more firmly over the feathers, down the shaft of the longer ones.

"Even stuck in this tiny box, huh?"

"Stuck in this tiny box with you," Cas murmured.

Dean's fingers found a spot where the barbs of Cas' feather had gotten twisted and mashed up and he used his nails to pull them straight, smooth them out. Cas practically melted into the floor.

"Feel good?"

"It's very relaxing. Much like when you run your fingers through my hair, only more so."

Dean's fingers kept finding spots of snarls to smooth out, but then he realized that Cas also enjoyed it when he took the whole feather in his hand and smoothed his fingers along its entire length. He went methodically through each feather he could reach, undoing the snarls and then running his hand down its length, tugging gently. He mourned the large gaps that still remained in Cas' wings, but he also smiled at the evidence of new growth. Short, fat feathers that would eventually grow into the long primaries.

He didn't realized he'd finished until he'd reached the tip and there were no more feathers. Cas' breathing was deep and even and Dean thought he might have been asleep. He himself felt calm in a way he rarely did. Who knew grooming an angel would be so meditative.

"Dean." Cas' voice was a barely there grumble that made Dean's body vibrate.

"Yeah? Want me to do the other one?"

"No." He shifted a little onto his side and lifted his wing from where it had been resting over Dean's lap. "Will you lay with me a while?"

Dean's heart started an uneven tattoo in his chest. "Are you sure?"

Cas nodded and held his hand out. "I want to feel you close to me. If this is to truly be the last time I see you, I want to know what you feel like."

Dean felt like all the air had been punched out of him. He wasn't exactly sure of what Cas was expecting here, but Dean would follow wherever Cas led him. So he scooted down and then laid down on his side, facing Cas. Cas let his wing drape over them and then leaned in. 

Dean met the kiss eagerly, moaning softly when he felt Cas' hand on his waist. Cas drew back slightly, and Dean was about to protest, but Cas was smiling at him softly.

"I enjoy the sounds you make." Dean blushed furiously and Cas just smiled wider. "I want you to make more of them."

The languor that they had started with slowly faded away as Cas demanded more. His mouth explored Dean's and then dipped to taste the skin of Dean's neck, to suck gently on his Adam's apple before dipping his tongue into the valley between Dean's collarbones. Dean let him have whatever he wanted, gave him everything freely. They didn't move beyond kissing and gentle touches, even when Cas' hand trailed down Dean's chest and belly and Dean wanted nothing more than to beg him to go a little farther. This was for Cas. Dean wanted to give him exactly what he wanted and needed without pressing him for more, even though,  _ god, _ Dean wanted it all.

They eventually slowed down again and Cas ended up pressed tight against Dean's side, his head on Dean's chest, Dean's lips brushing absently over his forehead. Dean was thinking of everything and nothing. Snippets of his time with Cas at Harvelle's, anxiety over getting Cas out of the United States, wonderment over the fact that it hadn't even been two hours since they'd pulled up behind the transport. Things just kind of floated through his head and then floated away. He was happy, content, and he was about to let that go.

He wanted to go with Cas, with every fiber of his being, but he couldn't. Sam needed him. Harvelle's needed him. He'd committed himself to taking care of those people and he couldn't leave them just because he'd fallen in love. He squeezed Cas a little tighter.

"I'd go with you if I could," he said, because he wanted Cas to know that. "I'd go in a heartbeat, but I have responsibilities here."

Cas squeezed him back with both the arm around his chest and the wing pressing down on him. "I know, Dean. I can't expect you to just leave your entire life behind."

_ You're my life, _ Dean thought, which… He'd risked everything to get Cas out, even Sam's future. Dean didn't understand how these things could exist in him at the same time. Cas meant everything to him, but so did Sam and Harvelle's.

"I love you. I know I've sort of skirted around it, but I wanted you to hear the actual words from me. I love you, Cas."

Cas pushed himself up on his elbow and gazed down at Dean, his hand on Dean's chest. "I love you, too. You have taught me what love is."

"I thought Eos did that," Dean said to lighten the mood but Cas fixed him with a stern look.

"I think you know what I mean."

God he was so fucking beautiful. Everything that he had endured, all the pain and humiliation and fear, and he was still this amazing man who had found his way to love. That he had any love to give, that he wasn't just an open wound of rage and sorrow, was stunning to Dean.

Dean reached up and pulled Cas' head down to him so he could kiss him gently. "Yeah, I know what you mean." They made out slowly until the truck came to a stop and turned off. "We must be at the rendezvous with Charlie."

Neither of them made a move to leave. Cas closed his eyes and sighed. "I don't like having all these lasts with you."

"Maybe we'll get to have another one someday."

Cas looked at him, his eyes clouded with tears, and then sat up, his feathers bending along the bottom of the bed again. Dean sat up and scrubbed his hands through his hair before opening up the back of the truck. 

Sam was talking to a petite redhead who was standing by an ice cream truck. She looked over at the sound and beamed a smile their way. Cas and Dean made their way over exchanged introductions.

"I was just telling Sam about the route. It's about a nine and a half hour drive to where we're going to cross. Are all of you going? Because it's going to be a seriously tight fit if you are. Jim didn't say I'd be transporting three giants."

"No, just me," Cas said.

Dean swallowed and looked down. Charlie looked between them but didn't say anything.

"Alright, we should get on the road. I heard on the scanner that they've already found the truck you sabotaged. The staties will be out hot and heavy looking for you, but we've got pretty good cover." She patted the ice cream truck and smiled. "You can just hang out in the back for most of the time, but I'll show you the secret compartment you'll need to hide in when we cross or if we get pulled over."

Cas nodded. "May I have a moment to say goodbye to my friends?"

"Oh! Yeah, of course! I'll just," she hiked a thumb over her shoulder, "be over here."

She wandered away to the front of the truck and Cas turned to Sam, who was startled when Cas stepped forward and hugged him. Sam gave him a good squeeze.

"Farm's not going to be the same without you, Cas."

"Nor you. Enjoy Chicago, Sam." Sam lit up at the mention of his university and Cas smiled at him before turning to Dean.

"I thought I was ready for this." Cas' voice broke and Dean just nodded, unable to look at him. "It was easier to say goodbye when I was facing death. Now I understand why you were so angry with me."

"I wasn't angry, Cas." Dean tried and mostly failed to keep the quaver out of his voice.

"It's lonely thinking about all the days I'll have without you.."

Under normal circumstances, Dean would have been dying of embarrassment to have Sam overhearing such a personal conversation, but right now, all he could think about was how much pain he was in, how his heart was shattering.

"Yeah." Dean's voice completely fell apart and he cleared his throat and finally looked up at Cas. "But you're going to be alive and  _ free. _ "

Cas nodded and then stepped into Dean's space to hold him a final time. "I love you, Dean," he whispered and Dean turned his face into Cas' neck.

"I love you, too."

Cas stepped back and started to turn away. Dean held his breath. He couldn't stand to watch Cas walk away, so he turned to Sam. "Come on, let's go."

Now that Cas was safe in Charlie's hands, they were going to drive the truck out to where they'd hidden the Chevelle yesterday, torch the truck to get rid of any evidence, and then take the Chevelle back to Bobby's, where it would be disassembled into parts.

"Want me to drive?" Sam asked, and after a moment, Dean handed over the keys.

"Yeah." He was too distracted to drive, too on edge. This was it. Cas was heading to Canada and he was going to be free. This was what Dean had wanted, but he felt so miserable. He didn't look over at the ice cream truck as he slid into the passenger seat, and he didn't look up as Sam started the engine and started to pull away.

"Wait!"

Dean did look up at that and saw Cas running toward them. Dean was out of the truck before Sam had even fully brought it to a stop. 

"Cas?"

"Don't," was all Cas said. "Don't go."

"Cas, I told you…

"I know," he interrupted. "And I'm sorry, I'm selfish, but I have to at least ask you. Come with me, Dean."

"Cas, I can't. I have to stay here. I have responsibilities"

Cas looked at him, his face full of sorrow. "I understand."

"I don't," Sam spoke up behind them. "Why do you have to stay?"

Dean turned to face his brother. Sam was standing in the open door of the truck, his arm leaning against the roof. "To look after you, help at Harvelle's."

"Dean, I'm leaving for Chicago in a week. I'll always need my big brother, but I don't need you to take care of me anymore. And I'm sorry if this is a blow to your ego, but Harvelle's will do just fine without you."

"But I promised Dad. I promised Ellen."

"Jesus, Dean. I'm pretty sure you've fulfilled those promises. And there's no way that Ellen would want you back if she saw how torn up you are right now. You get to think about you sometimes, Dean. You get to have a life of your own. Your love matters. Go with him."

Dean looked back at Cas who was looking cautiously hopeful. Dean had tied himself to Broken Bow, to Harvelle's, because those people were family. They had seen him through the worst time in his life and he owed them. But Cas had become family, too, and losing him would be like losing a part of himself. But he was willing to make that sacrifice because…  

He looked at Sam again. His little brother who was giving him permission to go, telling him that he  _ deserved _ to go. And Dean was suddenly able to see that he was willing to give up Cas because he thought everyone around him, their needs, were more important than his. Than him. And Sam knew it and was telling him he was  _ wrong. _ He was telling Dean that he could have this.

"I can't just…"

"Yeah, you can. Ellen would want this. Bobby and all your friends, too. And  _ I _ want it, Dean. I want you for once to do something that makes  _ you _ really happy."

Dean reached out a hand to Cas and Cas grasped it tightly. "You really want me to come?"

Cas quirked an eyebrow. "Don't ask stupid questions."

"Hey guys," Charlie said tentatively as she walked up. "I hate to break up what is very obviously a  _ moment, _ but we've really got to hit the road. The longer we stand here, the narrower our window gets."

Dean held onto Cas' hand, the guilt over leaving Sam and everyone in Broken Bow being edged out by how much he loved Cas, how much he wanted to be with him.

"That secret compartment'll fit the two of us?" He was talking to Charlie, but he was looking at Cas, who looked like he couldn't decide if he wanted to laugh or to cry.

"It'll be cozy, but sure."

"Alright," Dean nodded, suddenly feeling like his whole life was opening before him. He looked at Cas and grinned, squeezing his hand tightly. "Alright, then. I'm coming, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END.
> 
> I thought a lot about this ending. I thought about going on, but I decided that I really liked it. For those of you feeling the need to bludgeon me with something heavy and/or sharp, fear not! I am writing an epilogue. And likely a few time stamps, including a porny one because, well, because Dean and Cas fucking is the hottest thing on the planet. :)
> 
> I did way too much research on various parts of this story, but especially the geography, flora, climate and sunset/rise times for Nebraska. I've never been there, but I feel like I have! All the towns I mention are real, too, and all travel times are taken straight from Google maps! My entire history is searches for Nebraska!!
> 
> And come say hi on Twitter! I mostly screech about destiel and cockles. @downstairsgirl


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